Secret Blog of a TV Controller (age 36 and a bit)

I'm safe now

2011-04-21T00:09:00.004+01:00

A new beginning doth beckon. Besides, it's probably been ages since anyone looked at this. I think I'm safe now.

Idents

2010-10-27T18:12:00.005+01:00

FROM: FIFI01@corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@corporation.co.uk
DATE: Wed, 27 Oct 2010 18:12:05 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: one channel; one love

Can you book in some face-time next week so we can discuss these exciting plans? Specifically, on slide 32 of your powerpoint One Love: Programming, Synergy and Strategy 2012 you mention a complete channel rebrand (including stationery)? Are you sure this is prudent?

Whilst I admire your youthful enthusiasm over the last couple of days and your desire to get started 'with a bang', given the treasury announcements I hope you understand that we cannot be seen by our (many) enemies to be spending money on cosmetic changes of any sort.

I love the idea of various ethnically diverse 'No.1' figures of different sizes flying from all parts of the UK map to reveal a giant pulsating 3D 'ONE', inside of which will feature our key channel faces and serial drama brands morphing into one another, but perhaps this is something we could revisit in the spring when the heat is off...

Fifi x

PS. Will we see you tonight for a celebratory drinky-poo in Rm 3702 (outer corridor near Studio 5) in honour of your new appointment??!

Jay Hunt's awful autumn slate

2010-10-25T09:01:00.003+01:00

Oh. My. Fucking. Christ.

I've just had some dull 50 year old woman in my office (my Channel Commissioning Executive, apparently) pitching me the forthcoming autumn slate which Jay Hunt greenlit just before leaving.

Top of the list (!) is Alesha Dixon's new chat show which she promises me is going to 'go beyond chat to reveal the raw emotions of all her guests', and in a 'genius new twist' will feature a house band made up of ex-members of real famous bands.... Some Countryside Dreams series which allows ordinary members of the public a chance to win a job as a market stall holder in Wiltshire..... Some horrendous puffpiece with the nation's darling Gloria Hunniford traveling the world on the trail of the honey bee called Hunniford Hunts Honey...some yawn-tastic nature spin-off called Autumnwatch Goes Urban where the team are based in Coventry and will be showing the public the truth behind the secretive nightime world of rats.....A complicated studio interactive thing hosted by Gary Lineker... A disappointing paint-by numbers Dame Judy Dench drama series based on her life story...

Sigh.

I am going to have to slash and burn my way through this lot, because it simply will not suffice.

Where is the itchiness? Where is my voyeurtainment? Where is the drama? Hasn't anyone watched the youth channel output of the last 3 years, and seen what I've achieved?!! I have shown time and time again that we needn't shy away from uncomfortable topics (provided we have the right celebrity angle). We should be embracing the edgy mainstream - not simply being content in some wishy-washy shiny floor universe where people are always happy.

Where's the itchy posh-out-of-water formats like my outstanding footballer series which really highlighted the the important issues of living in a modern day slum?

I get on the blower to Tricky Dicky at Love and tell him to get a 10 x 60' edgy mainstream reality format on my desk by the end of the week. If anyone can transform a dire social issue into light entertainment, it's Tricky.

My Exciting New Image

2010-10-22T13:35:00.004+01:00

The Headmistress has asked whether I am going to be updating my image, or as she put it "align your new look to the new grown-up responsibilities that await you". She wants me to embrace a Brand New Me and ditch the ‘horrid’ T-shirt, blazer and jeans look which I’d been sporting at the end of my (triumphant) reign at the Youth Channel.

She feels I need to make a serious statement of intent…a haircut that will ensure people take me seriously. Something that will enable me to sit down with Paxo and the cardigan crew at Panorama and not feel out of my depth.

...Youthful but with gravitas
...Sharp yet soft around the edges
...Timeless not trendy

Glancing around at my peers for inspiration, I was thinking about something like this

Modules

2010-10-21T09:42:00.002+01:00

FROM: executivetalenttraining@corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@corporation.co.uk
CC: TVC_ASSISTANT@corporation.co.uk
DATE: Thurs, 20 Oct 2010 09:38:12 +0100
SUBJECT: Modules

Firstly, on behalf of everyone in the Executive Talent Board office here on the 6th Floor of Television Centre, congratulations on your exciting new position at Corporation One. We all hope your stay with us is a little longer than the previous incumbents (Channel 4, ITV and Five really aren't all that they are cracked up to be, believe us!)

As mentioned thoroughly - and I hope succinctly - during your exit interview from the Youth Channel, we have had to review our records in respect of your One People, One Nation - The Excellence Performance Chart and we have noticed that you have not completed all the safety modules in the Ensuring Safety: Lessons in Value and Building Viewer Trust for The Future training course.

You’ll be pleased to know that these can be easily completed online (estimated time of completion including video and interactive elements is just 6.5hrs).

Unfortunately, until Talent get receipt of these modules being successfully completed they will be unable to issue your new contract.

The modules include:

Cables: Proper use and storage on location (includes using multiple power supplies, other general electrical safety and understanding operational risks)

Studio Shooting: Live, As-live and Pre-record Dos and Don’ts [Note: This is an essential component for all Execs involved in this year's Strictly Come Dancing]

Who's Health is it Anyway? (includes correct deskspace management guide and how to prevent musculo-skeletal stress and injury)

NB: Given the spending cuts announced yesterday by the government, whilst you may have once been entitled to claim Additional Work Relief expenses for 6.5 hours of time spent carrying out this vitally important Personal Gateway Development Plan, unfortunately as from today, dated 21st October 2010, this personal development must be purely undertaken outside of your contractually stated hours at no additional cost to the license fee payer.

I am sure that you understand.

Yours,

Vittorio
Training and Development, Executive Talent
Rm 3546

My vision for ONE

2010-10-20T08:00:00.000+01:00

Only 48hrs into the big new job and I've already formulated a 'holistic' channel vision powerpoint that I am excited about presenting to my new commissioning colleagues. I've prepared an exciting range of buzz words I cannot wait to unleash on the Broadcasting world. There's a lot riding on this meeting. Time for Kleiny and the other culture vultures to see what I'm fucking made of:

Thai Chicken Family. As in my channel needs to shed the Egg and Cress Sandwich viewer and embrace the Thai Chicken Salad Wrap Family; more vibrant, spicy and 'now'.

Canapé content. As in our viewers do not want to feel bloated after a night's viewing so we should offer them more choice in bite-sized morsels.

Vapour. As in the channel brand should feel 'cool' but also mysterious, hard to pin down and identify - like a vapour mist.

Indigestible. As in 'fuck me did you see the last episode of The Bill, it was sadly indigestible.'

Voyeurtainment. A canny combination of both the visceral and voyeuristic thrill of watching real people doing extraordinary things on TV.

Big things lie ahead in the poly-platform voyeurtainment landscape of The Mothership.

I have finally arrived at the top table and I won't let my supporters down

I'm Torn

2010-10-18T08:48:00.000+01:00

Hello.

It's been a long time since I last wrote, and a great deal has happened both to my career and the wider broadcasting landscape.

On Friday the best kept secret around Television Centre was finally revealed to the masses.

Fifi immediately asked me: 'Do you want to resurrect that blog you once wrote?'

I must admit, a shiver of excitement rushed through me. I'd enjoyed revealing my true self to you, my wider audience, during those heady moments when I first started out running the Youth Channel.

But then I grew tired of the responsibility I started to feel as I shared the pain in trying to convince the likes of Kleiny of my high brand concepts like Itchy Reality™; the criticisms I got from likes of the Smurf, and the snipping from the sidelines that others felt able to thrust towards me.

Fifi has said she thinks running Corporation One and blogging in the same heartfelt and honest way might do me the world of good as I attempt to negotiate the ensuing battles I obviously face taking up the command of the Mothership.

I've told her I'll probably only do it if my erstwhile former school chum Ed Milliband joins me and does exactly the same as he navigates the treacherous course of leading the Labour Party. I need partners. I need soulmates. I don't want to be alone in putting myself out there again in such a painstaking way.

Or maybe I should just be populist as is my want, and put it out there to the vote. Do you want me to return?

Comments are now open, and I shall forward the responses to Fifi before I shift offices on the 6th floor later next week.

Yours in Itchy Reality

The TVCx

online search behaviour

2009-07-30T12:22:00.001+01:00

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My Oxford Union address

2009-04-21T02:04:00.006+01:00

My old chums at the Oxford Union (what fond memories!) have asked me to attend an event to kick-start the new academic year in October. It's titled: "The Truth About TV: Uncut" and they've begged me (naturally as the Youngest Channel Controller in Television History™, etc, etc), to share my insider knowledge with them.

They want me to do a 'How Documentaries Really Get Made' session (but I'm going to call it "how FACTUALITY Really Gets Made"). I said that I'd only be too happy to oblige. Anything to cement my Oxford alumni status.

So with nothing better to do today (no new pitches from Richard McKerrow for me to deal with - strange), I set to work on my thesis.

These are the notes I passed on to Anthony for him to type up properly onto Obama-style cue-cards:

* X pitches me an idea. But it's way too wet. Not enough "bite" to it. I suggest ways of ramping it up. X gets a hard-on, thinks he could grab a commission and rushes back to his development lackies. They spice up the proposition, relieved in the knowledge that they won't be the poor fuckers who have to deliver these over-promised ideas in the final programme.

* X runs back to me, desperate for approval of his revamped, totally revved-up and (unrealistic) pitch. I stroke my stubble, make him sweat a bit, swivel a few times on my chair, and then casually agree to sign off the project - but slice another 20% off the projected budget. Tough times I'm afraid (Jonathan Ross still needs his personal stylist after all).

* X then has to find some lackies to actually make it. His budget is totally disproportionate to the dreams and lies sold to me by his desperate lackies, so lots of prospective P/Ds gasp and tut and shake their heads. But as they are all desperate to work in these most distressing economic times, none of them would ever consider not taking the gig.

* I take my time signing off people. I only work from a preferred list of my star directors. This process takes a good 6 weeks (when in reality it should only take me a few hours if I could really be arsed).

* Production starts with a team made up of the following:

- 1 x cynical, world-weary late-thirties P/D
- 1 x super-ambitious and flirty 20-something AP
- 1 x dumb-as-fuck-but-cheap-recently-graduated researcher

They really need to double the manpower to come even close to replicating the magic promised in the pitch document, but budgets are a bit tight these days.... nevermind.

* Shortcuts are made from day one. The 6 weeks of pre-production suddenly becomes just 3, and it turns out that the budget my programme finance bods signed off is not the actual budget the production team has to play around with. No, their budget has been doctored by the indie - who have had to take a huge 25% wedge from the bottom line to keep the owner in her flash holiday home in Marbella and season tickets to Spurs.

* Filming kicks-off with the poor researcher being turned into a 'location director' (posh title to make amends for his paultry £350-a-week and 18-hour days) because there's "not enough money in the budget" to afford a professionally-trained, experienced (and unionised) camera crew.

* Weak storylines and contributors (not enough time to research them properly/find other stories, people, etc) provide a lackluster 2-week shoot. P/D already stressed to the hilt that his exec (and also me) will find the finished film a failure and never give the P/D another job in his life again. P/D has children to feed and bills to pay, so bites the bullet and uses his carefully honed people-skills to "produce" some outrageous actuality with dumb, working class-desperate-to-be-on-TV contributors.

* Edits go massively over budget as I insist on wholesale changes and reshoots to get it even remotely what my demographic are going to want to watch. The P/D is facing the brunt of my wrath as all the lies and exaggerations at the start of the project come back to haunt him, whilst the Series Producer calmly moves on to their next project.

* The press people take one look at the finished product in a weekly meeting lasting 15 minutes and decide to throw their minuscule promo budget behind a series with Ian Hisplop in it instead. Thus relegating the programmes to the dustbin of the EPG where it rots, week in week out, attracting fewer viewers and reminding me constantly like a dog turd on my frontstep that I never want to hire the P/D ever again.

* 6 weeks later I am being pitched again by the same production company and all is forgiven when they sit in my office and promise to deliver "Amy Winehouse being filmed going through rehab in a raw and uncompromising film about addiction"......Hmmm, I sit back and smile, this could just be the type of thing to solidify my reputation as a creative visionary amongst my rivals......."

Think that is about as honest as I would like to get with the Oxford kids.

NB. Simply MUST remember to bring Anthony with me so he can jot down the names and contact numbers of any impressive undergraduates who are desperate to work for cheap.

Where is Newcastle?

2009-04-14T09:56:00.001+01:00

Back in the office after a pleasant Easter break in County Durham endulging my little hobby of egg jarping. I was first introduced to the delights of jarping by my chums at Oxford and I can't tell you how relaxing it is after a hard few months of chasing the ratings.

But my chilled state wasn't going to last. James Silver from the Media Guardian has rung four times this morning - and it's not even 10 o- fucking-clock yet!

Reluctantly I called him back whilst trawling google for 'nicole+kidman+small+breasts+fetish'.

What came down the telephone line stunned me into silence. "I've got an 8-page highly-confidential memo leaked to me from one of my insiders at the Corporation Trust. It's all about plans to move the Youth Channel to a new media base the Corporation is going to create in Newcastle Upon Tyne. What's your immediate reaction? Off-the-record of course."

Er, where the fuck is Newcastle??

AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUT THIS BEFORE??

I jumped into action and grabbed the phone: "Anthony - get me Ant and Dec on the phone ASA-fucking-P"

Young, Yiddish and Proud

2008-11-12T10:02:00.001Z

Frankly I've reached the end of my tether.

I've had to attend another brain-numbing PC-correct 'workshop' on under-represented ethnic minorities and how The Corporation needs more "Exec producers, series producers, directors and APs" from "ethnic-centred" (whatever the fuck that really means) backgrounds.

I didn't pipe up about the under-represented minority that I personally feel remains marginalised by the television elite: 30-something white males from a jewish religio-economic background.

So with the help of these cutting edge Jewish radicals I am aiming to tackle this problem head-on....

It's time for a Jewish media revolution! Fuck-YAY!

Let's show them that we're better at comedy. That we're better at drama. That we're better at documentaries. But most of all let's show them that we're miles fucking better at youth orientated programming!

Why should Yentob be the only Corporation top-cheese to have his own TV show?? I've instructed Hincksy to hire Bertie to series edit a brand new series for the spring. I will be doing a Yentob and fronting it myself called Who Da Jew?™ which will see me report on cool young Yiddish hipster sub-cultures each week, with live music and some interactive bits and bobs too.

With me at the helm EVERYONE will sit up and take notice. I am expecting - at the very least - glowing reviews in heat, Grazia and the JC

Suddenly (and with Obama in my reaches) I feel a new power surge coming on...

Everything's going to be fine

Shag, Marry, Kill or Commission?

2008-07-19T11:54:00.012+01:00

To keep myself amused I often play a game with grovelling producers who line up outside my office waiting to pitch me their latest ideas, called:

SHAG, MARRY, KILL or COMMISSION?

Whilst they stand around nervously, chatting last minute detail about 'interactive added value', I mentally imagine who I'd prefer to shag, marry, kill or commission. You'd be surprised at some of the fruity combinations I've come up with!

For example, I'd commission Richard McKerrow but probably not fully shag him (a blowie is probably my limit if I had to). I might go a couple of rounds with Hincksy (but hate myself in the morning) and I'd definitely 'do' Camilla Lewis AND commission her, marry her and, most likely, kill her too.

See how much fun you can have?!

[Although once I bumped into both The Wolfster and Sir Yentob in a Corporation lift... and suffered mental anguish for days afterwards. Some decisions in life - thank fuck - don't have to be taken.]

This amusing executive de-stress game of mine inspired my latest, fantastic new youth format SNOG, MARRY, AVOID? which by now you will have all seen and enjoyed. Not only have I invented the world's first 'make-under' TV format, but I believe it is the first time a 'virtual assistant' has been used in a primetime features slot. Not since the heady sci-fi days of 2001: A Space Odyssey has the use of a pointless flashing light been so revolutionary.

Fuck, I'm way too good for this Corporation.

Inspired by its HUGE ratings success, I have decided to conduct the first ever straw-poll of industry big-wigs to discover exactly how important sex appeal is in getting ahead in the world of British broadcasting.

Here in the land of the TV controller gods we all know that getting pitched to by a sexy nymphet is far preferable than a grumpy northerner, or - god forbid! - those wretched regional scallies from Wales.

So from the following randomly selected beautful people please select who you would prefer to SHAG, MARRY, KILL or COMMISSION?

Fifi
Tommy Nagra
Dan Trelford
Dominic Crossley-Holland
Grainne Lyons
Gurdip Bhangoo
Janet Lee
Lauren Hennessey
Lisa Dunn
Martin Davidson
Michael Jackson
Nick Mirsky
Nick Woodroffe
Sara Ford
Sara Hardy
Tim Martin
Adam Kemp
Carla-Maria Lawson
Charlotte Moore
Eamon Hardy
Jacqueline Hewer
The Wolfster
Rosalind McInnes
Anne Mensah
Meredith Chambers
Basil Comely
Perry Mansell
Ben Evans
Caroline Ormerod
Diana Kyle
Foz Allan
Dave Gravy
Gaynor Holmes
Havia Taylor
John Yorke
Cunton Allen
Lucy Hetherington
Andy Zein
Mark Freeland
Alan Hayling
Timothy Hincks
Amanda Ross
Annabel Raftery
Charles Brand
Clare Paterson
Daisy Goodwin
Denys Blakeway
Simon D Arkwright III
Elodie Gornall
James Burstall
Justin Gorman
or Sophie Gratton

Your vote counts. All comments are confidential and the results will be revealed someday

My Priorities for Comedy

2008-06-18T14:55:00.004+01:00

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Corporation Comedy Unit; All Key Comedy Suppliers; Armando Iannucci; Jimmy Mulville; Ash Atalla
CC: Perry Mansell; John Thoday

Hello everyone.

I thought it would be a good time to outline a couple of thoughts regarding Comedy and the Youth Channel for Spring 2009.

We've had some amazing successes in this area over the last couple of years, but I am worried that we're a little bit niche when it comes to this part of the schedule.

Are we too "cool" for our own good?

Lucy Lumsden and Simon Wilson are doing brilliantly in this area, but they, like me, are also very keen for us to open up comedy on the Youth Channel to a new, bigger, more accessible (and perhaps a little less bright) audience.

Whilst our core audience is - and always will remain - the hard-to-reach PSP-obsessed Bebo-committed 10-17 age group, perhaps we can catch their 32-45 year-old parents, friends, colleagues, uncles, older friends and family if we chime the right chords??

Fawlty Towers did hotels, Only Fools and Horses did market trading, Dear John did bedsits, Open All Hours did corner shops and The Office did offices. So what are the new spaces where we spend our work, leisure and private times? Where are we going to find the new Del Boys, David Brents, Arkwrights and Basil Fawltys?

Don't forget the power of the red button in all of this. How can we make the audience at home BECOME the audience in the comedy venue? And where is the new Dennis Pennis coming from? They can't all be up in Edinburgh!!

I think there is also room to create a new comedy genre: the "reality comedy". Imagine for a moment Mike Leigh and Stephen Lambert (RIP) locked in a room with just some paper and pencils for an hour. What would they create? What kind of wicked characters and situations would come out of that meeting?

With the goodwill of Myfanwy Moore and Richard Klein I want the finest reality producers to sit down with some of our most ambitious comedy talent to develop ideas that blend these two brilliantly popular genres. Only on this channel could we invest and support such a dynamic partnership. Throw in a cool up and coming house band and we'll be cooking with gas.

I will call this exciting new hybrid: Drama-dy™

Talent - both on-screen and off, is a major thing we care about here. I want to ensure that under-represented people get a fair chance to develop and hone their skills within the Corporation on My Channel.

So where are the disabled or lesbian (or both!?) comic talents?? Where are the next Ash Atalla's coming from? What is happening with the underground yet hugely funny area of blind comedy? Is that genre ready for youthful, mainstream audiences yet? And what exactly can we do (or not do possibly) with deaf and/or albino talent??

Look, just go out there and have some fucking fun. Be brave, and be bold. My team are eagily awaiting your Dramady™ ideas.

Best wishes

TVC

My new suicide documentary

2008-06-13T01:39:00.001+01:00

I was delighted to spend 20 minutes of my time this morning with the lovely Melinda Messenger and a group of unwashed Fleet Street hacks briefing them about our forthcoming campaign about suicide and young people.

Fuck off Stephen Fry, and your 'depression and me' crap on Corporation Snooze 2. Here on the Youth Channel we have more immediate ways of doing this kind of shit!

Melinda authors the series, and goes on a personal journey into the dark world of suicide.

I am thrilled at the heavyweight yet light and, dare I say it, very "itchy" way we've made this series. I have to hand it to Bertie for saving this project in the fucking edit. Well done my man from Notting Hill!

All kinds of problems hit us: characters not showing enough "emotional reaction" to Melinda's interview technique; tears at the wrong time; a lack of meaningful exchanges with loved ones (Bertie needed four reshoots to make the edits work)... but anyway, the most important thing is I am happy with the final outcome.

Talking of which, I am delighted about the EPG impact factor of the series title:

"MELINDA MESSENGER: IN SEARCH OF THE FINAL COUNTDOWN"!! [Cue the theme tune - we've licensed Europe's song "The Final Countown"!!]

The boys in scheduling and marketing have pulled a blinder on this one.

Bold, ambitious, brave and as fucking "shouty" as you could get!!! The kids will kill themselves if they miss it (joke)

Rap the Iraq War

2008-04-07T07:15:00.008+01:00

At last! Brian Hill has finally come up with something worthwhile for me to consider commissioning. It's noisy, shouty, young and very fucking itchy.

Rap The Iraq War is a 90 minute special that I can play straight after the new series of kung-fu-tastic Phoo Action. I am very fucking excited.

Let me explain:

Hill's preferred soft Yorkshire poet Simon Armitage has spent a few weeks hanging with some former soldiers who have recently returned from Basra and has managed (admirably) to piece together some kind of narrative detailing their experiences "fighting the enemy". For once, his pseudo-realist poetry actually works!

The TV composer Danny Pemberton has been commissioned to create a musical piece full of "thunder, reckoning and remorse" to accompany the words, and some of Brian's lackies have gone onto the streets to film vox-pops with under-16s that can slot into the musical intervals to add realism and relevance for my hard-to-please demographic.

But my biggest coup by far will be the exclusive appearance of Lethal Bizzle, who I am reliably told is one of the country's hottest up-and-coming grime artists (whatever that means). He's agreed to do an exclusive 2 minute rap and create some "beats 'n shit."

[I'm praying that this Lethal chap won't remember the last time we bumped into each other at the MOBOs.]

I don't think I'm over-egging the project by predicting that this film could very well be the Apocalypse Now for my young and itchy generation.

Commissioning Code of Conduct

2008-03-25T10:02:00.006Z

Whilst I am all for greater co-operation and understanding between people like me and people like them, I do think McVay and his feeble PACT chums have taken a rather over-the-top approach to that delicate relationship between over-stressed Commissioner and thoroughly-expendable Worker, with this new, frankly ridiculous code of conduct:

FROM: john.mcvay@pact.co.uk
TO: roly@corporation1.co.uk; roly@corporation2.co.uk; TVC01@corporation.co.uk; janice@corporation4.co.uk; jbellamy@channelfour.co.uk; grade@itv.com; ben.gale@five.tv
CC: woolfster@skyone.com; youngspunk@itv2.com; jhunt_tv_flirt@hotmail.com
DATE: Tue, 25 Mar 2008 09:38:12 +0100
SUBJECT: CCC (Commissioning Code of Conduct)

Dearest colleagues,

I think I've managed to fudge together a code of conduct that will appease the moaning freelance industry just enough to let bygones continue to be bygones. Have a read and if there's anything you really object to, let me know ASAP.

We've got to do a press launch for this next Tuesday. I know it's a little embarrassing, but any takers to be on the podium alongside me?

Once again, I am sorry it has come to this. I would never - dear God - lay blame at your doors directly for this, but perhaps you would be so kind as to instruct your underlings (for whom I think this is really intended) to take heed of the concerns that the insecure indie sector has on matters like this.

Your humble TV champion,
J

PS Can one of you please remind James Herring he's not allowed to print the CCC on the back of t-shirts and distribute freely at this year's Edinburgh TV Festival? Cheers

COMMISSIONING CODE OF CONDUCT (CCC)
Pact directive 14.3.5(b)
*ratified in accordance with the Broadcasting Act 1996 by PACT board in consultation with Broadcasting organisations within the British Isles & beyond

1. Thou (meaning "the Commissioner") shall not dismiss ideas pitched by producers outright without proper and careful engagement. This means actually listening properly and intently to said idea before rejecting it out of hand based on some lazy outdated or personal idiosyncrasy to do with concept or approach to subject matter

2. Thou shall refrain from obsessive use of meaningless jargon to cover up your complete lack of knowledge and purpose in knowing the type of programmes your boss expects you to commission

3. Thou shall show proper respect (smiling upon arrival, saying hello, shaking hands, making eye contact, remembering everyone's name) to each and every member in attendance at an ideas meeting, no matter how junior and irrelevant they may appear to be

4. Thou shall not use mobile digital devices (such as blackberry's, PDAs, 3G phones etc) during edit viewings, and instead appear keen and alert to the programme you are watching in order to substantiate your important feedback and comments at the end of said viewing

5. Thou shall not make half-baked and ignorant suggestions of 'talent' to front landmark programmes you have commissioned and expect knowledgeable producers to have to deal with your naive wishlists, thus avoiding a huge amount of time and money wasted in the pre-production process

6. Thou shall never offer commissions to preferential producers or directors based on private agreements or 'favours' following previous commissions or places of employment

7. Thou shall not stagger into an edit suite all gung-ho munching on a stinking donor kebab and slugging down a bottle of Kingfisher lager at 11am because you genuinely think it puts you in "the mindset of the youth target audience watching this after the pubs have shut in some shitheap like Rochdale"

8. Thou shall remember that the people who provide you with shows are freelancers who would like to know sooner rather than later whether you will be able to commission their next six-month contract so that they will not go begging to their mortgage lenders looking extremely desperate and weak

9. Thou shall not flirt with the executive producer or series producer in order to cover up your failures at commissioning stage when the shit appears to be hitting the fan during final weeks of the edit

10. Thou shall demonstrate during pitch meetings that you are proud to think independently from your channel controller and are prepared to take risks and stake your beliefs clearly and confidently; that you posses 'balls' in other words by being brave enough not to refer every single idea up the food chain of television command

11. Thou shall appreciate the great lengths your freelance independent producers go to bring you hard-to-achieve access, and show understanding of the intricate difficulties and stresses involved for all footsoldiers involved in gaining said access.

12. Thou shall never reject an idea with the excuse that it is too similar to something else in production, when clearly you have merely run out of ways to say no to a perfectly feasible idea. Nor shall thou patronise the vastly experienced producer by worrying whether his/her ideas will "rate" highly enough for your mediocre and underperforming channel

13. Upon the unlikely event that you have commissioned a hit show, thou shall resist the temptation to heap praise and champagne on the Executive Producer, and instead give the proper credit due to the footsoldiers who have slogged their guts out, cut their weekly rates, and put their homelife on hold in order to deliver the show on time and on budget (and against the odds) thereby saving your arse and keeping you gainfully employed for another year

SIGNED (Commissioning editor/Executive)....................
DATE .............................

Major Security Breach

2008-02-25T09:02:00.001Z

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: All Departments; All Corporation; All Operations
CC: Ben.Roe@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Mon, 25 Feb 2008 08:10:12 +0100
SUBJECT: Security Threat

It has come to my attention this morning that there has been a major security breach in the building:

Ben Roe has been careless enough to lose his Corporation ID card, which could easily have fallen into the hands of a Shepherd's Bush terrorist cell, or even worse, an investigative journalist from The Sun.

Thankfully my ever vigilant PA Anthony was the first to find it before any serious harm was done.

In these times of heightened security, we must all remember to do our bit to help protect the Corporation from coming under needless attack. As a result of this potentially dangerous loophole in security, I will be implementing a brand new training initiative for all Youth Channel employees entitled: "Keep Your Eyes Peeled: You Are Important in the Global Fight Against Terror" starting lunchtime on Monday the 3rd March for 6 weeks.

Ben, please come immediately and collect your ID from my office.

TVC

51 TV Love Poems by The TV Headmistress

2008-02-18T06:37:00.000Z

FROM: Herring@DarkLordPR.com
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:27:02 +0100
SUBJECT: The Headmistress

TVC,

Don't take this badly but it appears another one of my clients has decided to branch out into the blogosphere. She's got a new book on the way and thought the idea of keeping a blog charting her progress would be, and I quote, "rather fun".

http://tvheadmistress.blogspot.com/

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.... but then you would know that working at the Youth Channel! (joke)

Rest assured that this is not a conflict of interest for me and I remain totally committed to your 5 year brand strategy (Head of BBC1, President Obama's communications director, Director General etc etc etc)

Yours as ever,

The Dark Lord

An Apology

2008-02-01T14:03:00.000Z

AN APOLOGY TO TIMOTHY HINCKS, CHIEF CREATIVE OFFICER, ENDEMOL UK

I recognise and accept that a number of statements that I made on my blog “The Secret Diary of a TV Controller (aged 33 and 3/4)”, in particular the posts of 16th June 2007 ("Squash"), 26th August 2007 ("My Edinburgh networking night from hell") and 9th October 2007 ("MIPCOM Madness"), may have caused offence to both Endemol UK and Timothy Hincks through the depiction of the fictional character "Hincksy".

It is important for me to stress that as far as I am aware, the conversations, emails and activities depicted between the characters "Hincksy" and "TVC" never occurred, nor was there any intention to discredit or call into question the professional reputation of Mr Hincks or his employer Endemol UK.

Mr Hincks does not play squash regularly with a channel controller as falsely stated on 6th June 2007 ("Squash"), nor did Mr Hincks describe Melanie Leach, Lisa Opie and Hannah Johnson as the "bitches of Eastwick" whilst attending The Media Guardian Edinburgh International TV Festival 2007, as posted on 26th August 2007 ("My Edinburgh networking night from hell").

I would also like to state for the record that Endemol UK has never represented the international format rights to "Salopes Anglais", the fictitious television reality series described in my blog, nor did they try and sell it at MIP or any other international market, as claimed on the 9th October 2007 ("MIPCOM Madness").

I would like to apologise for any unintentional personal or professional embarrassment or distress that this may have caused, or any confusion that may have arisen from these false statements.

As a demonstration of good will I have agreed to donate an undisclosed figure to Mr Hincks' chosen charity and I trust this matter is now closed.

Yours,
the anonymous author of The Secret Diary of a TV Controller (aged 33 and 3/4)

A sneak preview of Lily

2008-01-10T12:40:00.002Z

Hello again.

Here's an exclusive 2 minute preview of my forthcoming itchy entertainment show Lily Allen and Friends made by Princess Productions. I must admit I was quite surprised by the tone of it at first but Karl assured me that this is exactly what the kids want to watch these days.

I'm incredibly proud of the way it turned out. It promises to be the Youth Channel's first breakout hit of 2008!

Thanks to...

2007-11-06T08:28:00.000Z

A big thanks to all of you who made it possible (in no particular order):

James Herring for keeping my identity hush-hush, Steven D Wright for all his indiscreet emails (don't worry I won't show anyone), Fiona Lennon for the iced skinny lattes, James Silver for his great advice, Rowena Gray for being a saint, Michael Gove for staying stum (thank you!), Kevin L for encouraging me during my darkest days, Lucy Lumsden for first rejecting it as a sitcom, Addison for coming up with his own storylines, David Flynn for sorting out the 'Itchy Reality' t-shirts in Edinburgh, Marty Durkin for all those inspiring rants, Andrew O'Connor for teaching me how to play poker, Jemima K for always fighting my corner, Murray for keeping me sane, Martin Davidson for being totally straight with me, Ro Newell for the birthday cake, Will Self for never knowing who I was (and not caring!), Dan Mazer for being a top man, Kufena for offering to sleep with me if I went on Screenwipe, Helena Peacock for the rollerskating lessons, Graham Smith for being a great sub-editor, Jo Shinner for the Anthea insights, Bear for being a pussy, Dan McGolpin for getting drunk to celebrate his mention, David Glover for the NASA contacts, Stuart Murphy for agreeing to play the villain, Rob Thirkell for lending me his signed McGee book, Camila Lewis for having the bottle to wear her old Word outfit in a Brighton hotel room, Danielle Lux for the Pret muffins, Kleiny for keeping me in on the loop, Nigella for taking it on the chin, Charlotte Black for the inside scoop on the "E4 years", Neale Simpson for getting me into Soho House, Ben Gale for showing me his REAL bathroom, Hannah Barnes for the gym story, Wayne Garvie for the anecdotes about Fincham, Gary Reich for the encouragement, Lambert for sexing it up just for me (thanks man, I owe you), Adam Freeland for never pandering to me, Peter for the MGEITF invite, Jon Ronson for his patience, Chris Curtis at Broadcast for being the first hack to support me, the constant smirking from Peter Salmon that kept me going during the early days, Robert Popper for taking the first hits (sorry mate), Mahoney for putting up with my kinky boot fetish, Steve Gowans for our early conversation about myspace, Dom W for giving me her opinions whether I liked them or not, Elaine Bedell for feeding me home-made hummus when the going got tough, Dan Chambers for all the proof reading (slap on back well deserved), Jay Hunt for flirting with me without realising who I was, Dan Hine for the late-night emails, Sue Murphy for the corduroy fashion advice, Yentob for the Groucho cocktails and gossip (I owe you big man), Julian B for his words of wisdom, Riley Anderson for never doubting me, Hincksy for letting me beat him at squash (and the pic of his car), Grimsdale for passing on his literary agent's details, Ben Silverman for being so Hollywood, Jana Bennett for blanking me (twice), Henrietta for introducing me to Dave Gravy, Ralph Lee for asking nasty questions, Simon Shaps for not being in it (no matter how hard he tried), Daisy Donovan for the coffee and salad, Grace Dent for worrying on my behalf, Peter Moore for his (very) dry anonymous comments, Duncan G for his invaluable help with the meaningless commissioning jargon, Claire Grimmond for the long lunches, Remy for being robust but charming, The Wolfster for giving me Murdoch's feedback on the blog, Daisy Goodwin for the encouragement (and help with Mexico), Suzanne Gilfillan for the watch, Tara Conlan for being an absolute star, Lisa O for laughing out loud at her cameo, Holly Pye for the access, Julia Wrigley for spending more time on the blog than on facebook, Andy Mac for thinking I worked at Tiger Aspect, Stephen McCrum for being very bitter, Peter Dale for finally understanding what email is for, Liz Warner for the DVDs, Charlie Brooker for snubbing me, Anna Blue for the cough medicine, Richard Bacon for the story about Ant & Dec, Simon Dickson for using the word 'organic' a record number of times in one pitch meeting, Jay Rayner for worrying that I was going through a midlife crisis and blowing the biggest break of my career, Danny Fenton for the beers and scoop on Jez, Reemah S for brainstorming buzzwords with me, Meredith for the sushi and bitching, Claudia Emery for being so supportive (will you marry me?), Helen Veale for the cycling maps, Lorraine H for inspiring me to write my favourite post, Roy Ackerman & Amanda C for the 'early years' stuff, Helen Bullough for forwarding those emails, Andy Newman for being my ultimate Libertine, Peter F for having a good sense of humour, Ben Frow for the anecdotes (I miss you- please come home), Dawn Porter for supporting me in the press despite the conflict of interest and DC for pretending not to read it. You're a legend. Thank you all and goodnight x

Love, Dominic Vallely xx

The Observer Q & A with the TVC

2007-11-04T05:10:00.000Z

Journalist James Silver (left) probing the anonymous blogger. Picture courtesy of Rex features.

The Observer: Why did you start writing the blog..? Was there a particular moment or incident..? Was it general exasperation? Describe the origins, where the idea first struck?

TVC (puffing on cigar): I started to get increasingly frustrated and annoyed by the state of TV and some of the attitudes of execs and channel controllers to ordinary programme makers. I started thinking about how many ego maniacs run the industry and yet are completely unaccountable for their actions. Satire was the best way of bringing to light some of these personalities, their monstrous working practices and apathy for the ordinary viewer on the street.

The industry was lacking any kind of satirical comment, especially about the mercurial way channels are run and the dirty habits of how commissioning editors treat their producers. I’ve always enjoyed the irony of how TV channels are obsessed with chasing youth and yet they are mostly all run by middle class, middle of the road, middle aged white men. This inspired me to create the ultimate character who is obsessed with youth, and yet has no clue what the kids really want.

I remember sitting through a Channel 4 briefing when Hamish Mykura said he wanted more programmes that felt like "scaling the north face of the Eiger". Anyone who is seduced by jargon like this is in danger of disappearing up their own arse. Jana Bennett is a prime example of this awful Harvard business school-approach to talking about and making tv, and it is something we should try and resist. And so the concept for 'itchy reality' was born. So, indirectly, we can all be thankful for commissioning editor bollocks speak which has been a big inspiration for my writing.

The blog never intended to create such a fuss, it was merely supposed to be a playful 'poke in the eye' to some of the industry's big self-obsessed egos and a way for me to vent my spleen after a bad day at the office. I would highly recommend starting a fake blog for anyone who wants to engage in a cathartic up yours to their own industry. As long as you can keep your identity hidden, of course.

The Observer: What are you trying to achieve with it...? it strikes me as far more than that just a funny read/office entertainment? Is the aim for it to become, in a wonderful hall of mirrors type way, a Larry Sanders style sitcom..? Is it all one big pitch for a show!?

TVC: Well it's certainly not a pitch for a TV show. I'm not self promoting or trying to make a name for myself. To be honest, the blog just evolved over the first 6 weeks and grew organically. Writing the blog is a very 21st century way of communicating directly with my peers without the meddling influence of publishers, editors or channel execs telling you what to do and how to do it. It has been a cathartic and liberating experience.

The Observer: Why are you calling it a day?

TVC: I've been writing this now for 6 months straight updating it virtually on a daily basis which is quite a hefty amount of time and energy writing about the manic world of television.

Not to mention keeping my identity a secret which is almost a full time job in itself. I have lost count of the times my colleagues have asked me who i think is behind the blog and keeping things hidden is quite a stressful burden to carry.

I feel the time is right to take a rest, park the character of 'TVC' and his world for the time being and go back under the radar until it’s time to re-ignite things next year. There’s still a few more surprises left in store for 2008 and beyond.

The Observer: What is it about the TV industry that is so ripe for satire right now?

TVC: I started the blog in April 2007 just before the fakery scandal and crisis in viewer trust broke; little did I know the blog would become a fantastic off-the-record news source for what was happening inside White City at the time. I certainly didn’t join the bandwagon of self-flagellation going on at the BBC or use this blog as an excuse to attack Mark Thompson. I’m not a bitter disgruntled programme maker. I think history will remember Thompson as someone who made the right choices, ultimately. Job cuts are hard but so is working in an overstaffed bureaucratic-heavy organisation where lifers work with impunity no matter how useful their job role.

At the time when i started the blog it felt like no-one was pointing out how overblown, melodramatic and, frankly, ridiculous the TV industry can be or the nitty gritty of how programme makers are put under tremendous pressure to create 'narrative jeopardy' where no jeopardy exists to begin with.

If you'd have come to me 6 months ago and said that Stephen Lambert would one day be out of a job because he sexed up a trailer for a fly-on-the-wall film about the queen I wouldn't have been at all shocked or surprised. My early postings about Lambert showed him to be no longer interested in making programmes for the youth channel and snubbing TVC regularly for the warm bosom of Peter Fincham's higher profile channel. It's very easy to see how this arrogance led to the Crowngate scandal.

The Observer: The world you describe is like a seething basket of vipers. Is it as bad as the way you portray it?

TVC: There are things I've witnessed and wanted to write about but have resisted because it would have compromised me and led to my identity being outed. TV is such a bizarre, neurotic and schizophrenic place to work. It often rewards people whose erratic behaviour and bullying attitudes just wouldn't be tolerated in any other working environment.

The Observer: Your depiction of the meetings, empires, petty behaviour at the BBC is particularly sharp - instantly recognisable for anyone who has worked there - ie VEPVMC in your latest post (i) surely you must have worked at the corp at some point, perhaps you are there now? (ii) what is it about the BBC which so intrigues you as a writer?

TVC: I have worked at the BBC before, but the truth is that I've not had the type of top-level access that I fictionalise in my blog. I don't go to lunch with Mark Thompson or Jana Bennett. It's very much written from an outsider looking in and yet some of the scenarios I write about do obviously happen. When the queen stuff exploded, for example, I wrote a post about Fincham and Lambert waiting to be dressed down by Jana Bennett as 'naughty boys waiting to see the headmistress'. A day later and the media guardian reported it happening exactly like that. Everyone assumed Jana had exploded and she was quite annoyed by this suggestion when questioned at Edinburgh.

The BBC is a bit like a posh public school, anachronistic and old fashioned at times, brilliant and inspired at others. It always amazes me how a company with a guaranteed income of £3billion can be run in such a chaotic fashion. We all fund the BBC so we should care about who runs it and how they go about making programmes, much more so than ITV or Channel 4.

The Observer: Why did you pick Danny Cohen as a (semi-fictionalised) subject..?

TVC: I don't know the guy personally and I have drawn inspiration for the character of ‘TVC’ from lots of TV executives in the industry. I've got nothing personal against Cohen at all and I’d be very surprised if he had taken any of it very seriously.

The Observer: Some have criticised you for anti-semitism. How do you answer that? Why have chosen to make this character Jewish? Would you, as [Stuart Murphy] said, have made such a big deal of his skin colour..?

TVC: I'm a Jew myself so calling me anti-semitic is puzzling, and it strikes me that this is simply the only way that my detractors can have a dig at what I'm doing. If i was Sanjeev Bhaskar I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to write about an Asian channel controller.

I write from the same school of playful self-parody that Larry Sanders or Mel Brooks do. The fact that TVC is Jewish is a very minor part of his character, which is evident by how little his religion has featured in the 240-odd posts I have written.

The Observer: Similarly: How do you answer complaints that it's "bullying" (Stuart Murphy said that), "spiteful and at times downright nasty" (Owen Gibson, Guardian journalist)?

TVC: It surprises me when journalists or former channel controllers think the blog is bullying or nasty. The loyal readers who work lower down the TV food chain have never accused it of these things. It’s the same as saying that the 'Vicar of St Albans' in Private Eye was "spiteful" towards Blair and The Thick Of It was “nasty” towards Alistair Campbell. I suppose some people are too close to what I write about to understand the subtle nature of the satire.

The Observer: Why the anonymity? Would it really be career-ending, or might you not end up lauded as someone who exposed the industry for what it can be, at its shallow sharkpool worst?

TVC: I've heard that very high-powered people in the industry (some of whom feature on the blog) have not seen the funny side to what I'm doing at all. Television is a very small world run as an exclusive club and doors would certainly shut in my face after the storm I've caused. I have a successful career which I cannot risk jeopardising.

The Observer: There are those who say, so many details are spot-on that you have access to DC's diary. Can you scotch some rumours? Are you James Herring? Steven D. Wright? Are you two people?

TVC: Who I am is not important. What is more important is who I'm writing this blog for. I'm writing it for the footsoldiers of the TV industry who have no public voice, who are expected to lie to contributors, visit sink estates and persuade single mums to sell their soul, sign away their European working time directive on working hours, have no job security, slog their guts out for months on end without holiday pay and then see people like the fictional ‘TVC’ steal their ideas and take all the glory. If you look back at the over-stressed, torn-to-pieces P/D in my 'secrets of editing' post, that's who the blog is written for.

The Observer: So who are you..?! Do you work in the indy sector, tell us that much?

TVC: I am an established programme maker who has won awards and achieved critical acclaim. I love modern TV and formats, I am not some old school disgruntled programme maker with an axe to grind. I simply wish the BBC, Channel 4 and other channels were more honest about how the industry really works.

The Observer: What kind of feedback have you been getting from industry insiders? Any angry emails? Have you heard from industry bosses?

TVC: If you'd have told me that over 200,000 people would end up reading the blog I'd never have believed you. I’ve had hits from all over the world, from the Disney studio lot in Hollywood to Dominos Pizza headquarters in New York to the Houses of Parliament. The themes I address obviously resonate with a wider audience other than just the media classes.

It always amused me that lonely perverts who googled ‘sex & animals’ would regularly come across a post I wrote about a fictional animal therapy TV format from Ricochet (makers of It’s Me or the Dog) and gain this unexpected insight into the world of TV!

The level of support from well known industry figures has been surprising. I have received words of encouragement and tip-offs from indie bosses, former channel controllers, commissioning editors, producers and lots of anonymous insiders. I think the worst email I ever got was from Daisy Goodwin, who simply said: "take me off your email list". One big player - who I would never dream of naming - said the blog was "the highlight of my day" and that I was "nothing short of a phenomenon, darling".

I think that's why i was always a bit surprised when the press would use words like "despicable" or "disgusting" or "spiteful" ... That certainly wasn't the kind of feedback I was getting on a daily basis from the industry.

FUCKING FUMING!!!

2007-11-02T15:38:00.000Z

Gobsmacked. I sat in silence at my desk as the rage built inside me. I feel badly let down. Distraught, actually. How can I show my face in the corridors of White City now? I have mustered all my energies into this big push, encouraged by the people I've trusted. The people who helped poach me from Channel 4; the very people who I have always placed my absolute faith in. I did everything - from meeting the great unwashed in Glasgow to bloody showing my face at these awful events.

What a HUGE fucking mistake. I have exposed my ambitions in a way that makes me a laughing stock in the industry.

Well fuck The Corporation.

And fuck them all.

Stabbed in the front

2007-11-02T14:30:00.000Z

TO: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:18:31 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: Corporation One Controller Application

Fifi

I’m stunned. Was there anything in particular that hindered my application?? I thought you had given me assurances last week that I had (and I quote) “a very strong chance of securing the position” especially having revitalised the Youth Channel with appointment-to-view squelchiness.

Despite this admittedly devastating setback, rest assured that I will continue to do the job I was hired for and re-energise the Youth Channel going forward.

Best wishes
TVC

TO: Hincksy@EndemolGlobalUKInc.Com
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:21:14 +0100
SUBJECT: SHAFTED

Fucking asexual workman-like boot wearing stuffy bitch!!!!!!!!! Fifi has fucked me over for sure. And I cannot fucking believe they are even considering that Tranter witch over me!!!!!

Fuck!!!!!

TO: Herring@DarkLordPR.com
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:25:02 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

I would like to formally terminate our 26-month Brand New Me contract. I am aware this will be to great financial cost to myself but I cannot continue with this marriage of convenience any longer, James.

It pains me to say that I feel badly let down by you and your agency’s inability to secure me the Top Job.

Ciao, and thanks for the memories,

TVC

TO: Headgirl@silverbollocks.com
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:03:02 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: Swishing Format

Where were you when I needed you the most?????
TVC

TO: Roly01@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:06:24 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: good luck today!

I thought I had your backing for the Top Job? The world is changing son, and I worry that you're going to be left well behind.

Fuck you,
TVC

TO: Yentob-personal@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:07:24 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

Don't you have any fucking power left anymore? Or were you just humouring me over lunch last week??

TVC

TO: Beddell@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:08:41 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: The Wall talent sign-off

Kleiny says you’re supporting Tranter over me??? Explain. Is this some RSC fucking drama mafia connection???

I’m bitterly disappointed in you

TVC

TO: personalassistant@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:10:12 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

Anthony- get me Clifford on the fucking phone NOW! I need to get hold of some dirt on Tranter. And do NOT put any journos through to me, especially those cunts Glibson, Conlan and Norman.

TO: Rt Honourable James Purnell MP
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:19:40 +0100
SUBJECT: Any openings?

Sir,

I would like to be considered for any future Ministerial posts that might become available in your department. As a young firebrand creative leader, I have all the necessary skills to be an asset in your team. (I also went to school with both the Milliband brothers).

Respectfully,
TVC

TO: Applications@HarvardBusinessSchool.Com
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:23:01 +0100
SUBJECT: Fast track application?

Dear Sir / Madam

I would like to enquire about your Dual Semester Fast-track Advanced Senior Media Executive Consolidation and Expansion Course 2007/8. I am the Youngest Controller in British Broadcasting history (by 9 months) and I would like to find out if you could squeeze me on your new course starting next week?

Best wishes
TVC

STUNNED

2007-11-02T13:27:00.001Z

FROM: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
CC: humanresources@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 13:26:02 +0100
SUBJECT: Corporation One Controller Application

Dear TVC,

On behalf of The Corporation, I would firstly like to thank you for taking the time to take part in the formal internal application process for the role of Controller of Corporation One.

As you can imagine for such a prestigious job, the calibre of applicants was extremely high.

Unfortunately, after very careful thought, on this occasion you have not been selected to go through to the next stage of the internal interview round.

Once again thank you for your application, and we wish you the very best of luck in the future.

Yours sincerely

Fifi

still waiting...

2007-11-02T11:59:00.000Z

13.10: Snuck out to the canteen. Felt all eyes were on me. Noticed Jane Tranter looking very pleased with herself. What's going on?

12 noon: Nothing has come through yet from top brass on either my email, blackberry, direct line, mobile or on the ringmain... but I know it's only a matter of hours now. Have locked myself away in my office to work on my acceptance speech whilst Anthony decorates the office with balloons and party banners in readiness for the party later on.

Richard not Judy

2007-11-02T10:49:00.000Z

A bottle of MOËT is chilling in the fridge and Anthony is rushing about making frantic last minute arrangements so there's an Ariel photographer present when my appointment is announced on the Ringmain later today.

For the special occasion I am wearing a cashmere blend knit jumper (that I picked up in Scotland on my travels) and simple chinos. It is understated and says I am approachable, friendly, a safe pair of hands, and most of all - that I would never dream of fucking over The Queen.

What better way to start the first day of my soon-to-be new empire at White City than with the sun shining down and Richard & Judy announcing they are free agents? Richard is coming in to see me next week (I knew wooing Amanda Ross would pay off) and I cannot wait to float my new idea past him for Corporation One's primetime Sunday evening show called "Richard NOT Judy" ( in which Richard hosts an itchy chat show and 'virtual' Judy joins via live satellite link up from her boudoir, reclining in a black-lace negligee and sipping on a glass of chilled Chardonnay)

The grannies will love it. Fuck yeah!!

The TVC Years they'll call it (maybe Maggie Brown will write a book about me? Must lunch her ASA-fucking-P)

I put my feet up on my desk, ordered a double espresso, and waited...

Stephen Lambert's CV

2007-11-01T12:42:00.000Z

Fuck me, guess which persona non grata has just emailed!

FROM: StephenLambert@formatguru.com
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Coffee?

TVC,
As the architect (and founding member) of itchy reality factual formats, I feel you and I have always had a lot in common. We both understand what the kids want to watch (scraps, conflict, jeopardy etc). Now that I have left RDF Media I feel it is the right time to try my hand in commissioning. I'm keen to know if you could use someone at the Youth Channel with my track record in building core programming brands from creative kernels and jumpstarting teams?

CV attached.

Best,
Stephen
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Shit - there is no way on earth I can be associated with this cockcheese! What if IT were to find out I was in email dialogue with him?? Imagine the fall out for my media brand if some tabloid hack ran a scurrilous "new Mothership Controller considers Lambert for key post" headline??

I immediately hit delete and ask Anthony if its possible for old emails to be saved in some central server or something. I cannot risk there being any fucking trace of Lambert's approach to me.

Must admit though, it's funny how the mighty have fallen. Next thing you know he'll want to start making 'serious' 'organic' sob-umentaries!!

10 Reasons why I hate Glasgow

2007-11-01T10:40:00.001Z

1. The helicopter ride was very fucking bumpy. I was sick twice.

2. It took over 30 minutes to drive from the airfield to the Corporation Scottish HQ!

3. Everyone looked cynical and very miserable.

4. No one laughed when I told my Aspen skiing trip joke.

5. Too many girls wearing cashmere

6. Angry atmosphere during Q+A - there is nothing worse than a shouty Scottish crowd when you've been on the road all morning.

7. Lack of ambition in their ideas for Corporation One during 60-second itchy pitch session.

8. Muriel Gray lives up here.

9. So does Hamish Barbour.

10. Even colder than fucking Manchester.

10 Reasons why I hate Manchester

2007-10-31T12:57:00.000Z

1. It's really fucking cold.

2. It rained the entire two and three-quarter hours I was there.

3. No on-site holistic therapist waiting for me at Oxford Road HQ (I felt like I needed a treatment after sitting in British Midland economy for the 40 minute flight up from Heathrow).

4. Too many small teams = lack of creative impetus and creativity. It's obvious they just sit around on their arses all day feeling fucking sorry for themselves.

5. Total lack of drive. No probing questions AT ALL about what Itchy Reality™ programming will mean for their regional quotas.

6. Lack of girls wearing peeptoe heels. I know it is cold, but you have GOT to make an effort!

7. I just don't like their accents very much.

8. They dress way too provincially.

9. I am sure I saw Mark Radcliffe sitting in on the meeting. Old school Radio 2 fart. Has no place in the future television geology of Corporation One. Someone (other than me) should have spotted him and escorted him out of the meeting room.

10. Lack of black and asian faces in the audience. This won't do.

Off to Glasgow now... let's hope they do a fuck of a lot better!

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Giving to charity

2007-10-31T09:08:00.000Z

On my way back from last night's very successful Oxford Union speech, Anthony soured the atmosphere in Hincksy's car by reminding me about this.

The Corporation's in-house Charity Tsar has suggested that for this year's Children In Need event, all the Controllers should engage in doing something for charity. (I hear Fifi is threatening to attempt a high NRG dance aerobics session in the Canteen, in leotards and all....gulp....)

Shit.

After that unfortunate mishap shortly after rocking up at The Corporation, the last thing I need is for this to go badly wrong for me. These events are great for my media brand but a PR disaster if you fuck them up.

The Dark Lord has emailed his thoughts and says I should take a leaf out of uber agent and party monster Perry Mansell's last charity fundraiser.

Shit shit shit!

The last thing I want is for Mansell to steal my limelight. How can I do something that is edgy but doesn't involve doing anything quite so life threatening and dangerous as the Gumball rally?

And then it hit me: instead of ME doing some embarrassing stunt I can volunteer my hapless PA Anthony and he could be my figurehead in all of this.

So I have suggested to my lackie that he should do a marathon parachute jump (six times over in the same afternoon) to raise thousands for Scope or whichever charity is 'in' at the moment.

What a chance I am giving him!

[I'll be expecting Yentob to dig a lot fucking deeper than the measly £50 he only bothered to muster for Mansell's effort. I mean, how much is he paid a year??? I'll certainly be wanting him to at least quadruple that for Anthony's multiple suicide jumps.]

"My Destiny" speech

2007-10-30T11:21:00.000Z

Tonight I am addressing my old chums at the Oxford Union (what fond memories of my youth!)

Make no mistake about it. This is like launching a political campaign and I need to have all the trappings of a Corporation One Top-Level Executive if I am going to secure The Big Job.

So Hincksy has very kindly promised to drive me up in his car:

Here's a sneaky peak at my speech. I cannot wait for Thommo to hear this!

"Good evening.

I look around this grand, historic hall and then I look down at you. The young creative intelligent minds of the future. The people that will someday lead governments, industry and, most importantly, the media.

You, my friends, are the future. Your turn will deservedly come. Just as mine has come now.

You see, ten or twelve years ago, I was exactly like you.

I was bright, intelligent, hard-working and ambitious.

I still am.

I studied here for three years, dreaming of my future. Well tonight, I'm going to reveal exactly where my future lies.

Lord Reith once said it was the Corporation's job to educate, inform and entertain.

One day, our current Director General Mark Thompson will become a Lord, and his mantra will be remembered too: To reach out and touch the audience.

I am one of Mark's New Generation of creatives, here to implement His Vision. It is my job to boldly go where no channel controller has gone before. To always strive for what is beyond the event horizon. To innovate, motivate and creatively exfoliate, so I can be the best a man can be™.

It is the only way we can keep ahead of the curve and provide value for money for all our users.

Yes, you heard me right. User as opposed to viewer.

You see the next generation don't just "view" the media. They "use" it.

And by the same token, they can also "abuse" it.

And we have to make sure that this self abuse does not tarnish the hard work being done to harness the eyeballs of the New User Generation.

And who are these New Users? You are.

You are the ones who'll want to buy homes, find good schools for your kids, and have amazing holidays in far-flung places abroad. Television can feed these important life stages with itchy reality™ programming.

I put it to you, in an age of concern over fakery, deception and spin, that we need to ensure that the Corporation never fails its audience. Be them your parents, grandparents or your nephews.

Or you.

Because it is your generation that matters to me.

When I was your age, I used to think: Why isn't there a channel just for me?

What I want to see is the Corporation becoming this beacon of media light. It is not simply a pipedream, it is my destiny. And it is here, and it is now.

The Corporation has more difficult and painful decisions to make. Like who should be leading Corporation One, our flagship channel, into 2008 and beyond.

For the Corporation to survive and to remain relevant to its users, it's simply not enough to have young creative visionaries like myself pigeon holed into running "youth" programming. That's like saying that the people who run the Asian Network can't work in network television. Ludicrous!

The new breed of Television Executive who is in touch with contemporary culture, like myself, should be driving the future development of our broadcasting crown-jewels.

I hope you agree.

If it is my destiny, then you have been privileged here tonight to listen to my oration and I put it to you to decide for yourself whether the Corporation will be bold and brave enough to make what I think is a momentous decision.

Thank you and good night Oxford

[PS. Remember to pump right hand in the air at this point during rapturous applause]

[PPS. Remember to have Anthony video it all from the back of the hall]

The campaign

2007-10-29T10:23:00.000Z

With the considerable help of Hincksy and The Dark Lord (acting as my campaign managers) we've put together a timetable for this week as I strive to position myself as the number one frontrunner for the Top Job.

Hincksy reckons I need to grow a support base in the regions as they feel neglected. Plus it will look good for Thommo to see that I'm not an exclusive metropolitan media animal.

TUESDAY:
Breakfast with Fifi @ Automat to get her seal of approval(AM)
Interview with John Blunkett from Guardian to counter-bluff suggestions I am a favourite for the job (AM)
Lunch @ Petrus with Matthew Norman from The Independent
Second Lunch with Glenwyn Benson to get her onside (grab a canteen sandwich)
Interview with in-house hack for Ariel rag (PM)
Speech at the Oxford Union (EVE)
Dinner with Thommo (VENUE TBC)

WEDNESDAY: Whistlestop Tour of the Regions
BD582 Heathrow-Manchester departs 07.05
Meet & Greet with Manchester in-house Entertainment and Factual development (AM)
Helicopter to Glasgow
Meet & Greet with Scotland drama and factual Execs (LUNCHTIME)
Helicopter to Bristol
Meet & Greet with Bristol in-house factual & features development teams (PM)
Return to London - interview on Newsnight? (TBC)

THURSDAY: Charm offensive London
Appearance on Today programme (very early AM)
Monthly Controller Meeting (AM) - Hincksy thinks I should treat this like I'm doing PMQs as Leader of the Opposition!
Interview with Chris Curtis from Broadcast (LUNCH)
Do walkabout through White City production offices accompanied by photographer to lift staff morale (PM)
Mass email to key execs outlining my 10-point plan for Corporation One (PM)

FRIDAY: Gain power!
Live appearance on Snooze24 to talk about My Plans for the Channel (AM)
Press Conference at somewhere very media like Century Club flanked by Fifi and Thommo (LUNCHTIME)
Sack Anthony and move into bigger office on 6th floor (PM)
Meet my two new sexy PAs and set down dress policy (peeptoe heels, cleavage, etc) (PM)
Dinner with Thommo to start work on 5-year plan (EVE)

Daisy G in Tears

2007-10-28T03:23:00.000Z

I've just come off the phone from a hysterical Daisy G. Jesus! Here I am, in Hincksy's sitting room, sipping herbal tea whilst mapping out the next few days of my campaign to take the Top Job, and I get this!

Daisy is all upset about the latest problem to hit her controversial child-rearing Channel 4 show Bringing Up Baby. The Times (who usually love her - even to the point of permitting her to write meandering fluff pieces about 'lifestyle' stuff) have put the boot in by questioning whether one of her experts was bonafide or not.

For fuck's sake, relax people!

Just because some kiddy nurse doesn't have a fucking BTEC in nursery school studies doesn't mean she isn't good telly. I happened to like Claire Verity A LOT and would hire her for one of my itchy parenting shows. This is a woman, remember, who has worked for people like Sting (viewers love that kind of shit).

I consoled Daisy G as best I could, but also vowed to blackmark the scurrilous hack Patrick Foster. Are there not people dying in Africa, Patrick? WMD to find? Homeless folk who need beds? Etc. Etc.

Go and do your job reporting and investigating IMPORTANT STUFF, not wasting time on TV stories trying to smear a bloody good friend of mine.

10 Good Reasons why I should get the Top Job

2007-10-26T06:59:00.000+01:00

1. What the Corporation needs right now is some uplifting good news, so what could be better than appointing The Youngest Controller of the Mothership in the Entire History of Broadcasting? Think of the positive shockwaves that such a bold move would send around the media world!

2. I have no fucking intention of ever moving up north and running the Youth Channel from this place:

3. I live, breathe, eat, sleep my job. I am single, have no children, and have no other life outside of my career. I challenge Thommo or the Trust to find anyone else who can come even close to matching my unbridled commitment, passion and enthusiasm for media content and delivery.

4. A safe pair of hands: I will never commission ANYTHING from RDF ever again.

5. I am under 40 (by six whole years in fact). The Mothership needs the pure elixir of my youth.

6. I have laid the groundwork for the next generation of ambitious genre-defining concepts like Itchy Reality™, and it would be a huge loss for the Corporation to see them rot away on a digital channel that no-one watches or takes very seriously.

7. It would be a huge loss for the Corporation to see ME rot away on a digital channel that no-one watches or takes very seriously!

8. I could get a sexy female PA of my choosing (maybe even two) and dump Anthony.

9. I am brilliant at handling on-screen talent (such as Anthea Turner) and would look to snatch a whole host of big names straight away (like Derren Brown - perfect to host a revamped 360° Generation Game format)

10. My CV is jampacked with unrivaled experience in all forms of programming: Spunky comedy (Live! Girls! Present Dogtown), Shouty multimedia entertainment (incl my shiny floor forthcoming studio show The Wall), sensitive, thought-provoking documentaries (Help I Smell of Fish!), High Impact drama (Skins) and Noisy Reality (two series of The Games).

What fucking more does Thommo want from me??!

[I am also in the process of getting a written reference from Barack Obama, after my dialogue with him and his team earlier this year. If that doesn't swing it, I'll eat my favourite corduroy jacket!]

Bertie gets drunk on my expense account

2007-10-25T08:59:00.000+01:00

Had lunch with Bertie (the butcher from Notting Hill) yesterday at Tamarind.

We ended up in a heated discussion about the merits of his earnest Channel 4 Last Chance Kids versus my noisy, very shouty Leave Us Kids Alone.

He hit his second bottle of Pinot Noir before informing me that he had nailed the TV formula for doing "rough kids in inner city schools" and was planning on writing a book about it for Harper Collins. He looked chuffed with this statement, and sat back smoking an imaginary cigar. What a prick.

"Bertie, your literacy series was admirable and very 'Jamie' but it felt a bit like you'd messed about too much with the series stucture in the edit. It wasn't organic enough. My series is really tackling different things," I said sipping from my mineral water on ice.

He started twitching at this moment, and then went into an involuntary spasm. Remembering that Bertie wasn't used to any kind of criticism, I got a little worried to see such a fine master of the edit lose control like this.

"Wake up and smell the 3 act structure TVC! There are only 2 and half types of different stories to tell! How many times have you actually bothered to read the Robert McKee book I gave you??" he shouted back. The waiter looked disturbed. I made a weak smile and signaled for the bill.

"I made Jamie who he is today," he yelped as he dragged himself up from his chair (having slipped a few seconds previously with glass of wine still in hand). Fuck. I thought he was having a heart attack or something.

After this unfortunate episode, how the hell can I trust Bertie in the edit with my Next Big Gig? I've drafted him in to series edit Betty TV's constructed documentary series about teens who give up smoking, drinking, taking drugs and having sex to make sure there's enough emotional confrontation in their transformations.

Very fucking worried.

I settled up the bill and got Bertie into a cab, before heading back to the safe confines of White City trying to figure out who the other decent Series Editors were for my twitchy™ new reality show. Maybe Liz 'the mentalist' Warner can suggest someone?

Muscling in on Docudrama

2007-10-24T10:10:00.000+01:00

I really want to muscle in on the crowded docu-drama genre but I haven't got a fucking clue what will resonate with my young, spunky myspace audience.

They don't give a fuck about Tony Blair, Iraq, the Queen or David Blunkett's latest floozie.

But what they *do* care about is getting drunk, taking drugs, going to T in the Park and falling out with their parents because of a difference of opinion over the new Arctic Monkeys "download".

Hardly typical grandad Tony Marchant stuff, but I've thrown £5K his way on a whim anyway and told him in no uncertain terms to think up three of four "shouty docu-drama ideas" by close of play next week.

I'm missing out on this zeitgeist (why don't people use that word anymore??) and need to find something that feels right for me.

No cast-offs and failed ideas please. They've got to strike right at the heart of my "sweetspot" 19-20 year old core viewers, and I've told Marchant to ensure that each drama has at least 4 or 5 amazing YouTube moments – great television my tech-savvy viewers will want to share with their friends.

Bring me something bang on the fucking money for the Youth Channel!!!

Sarah Walmsley's carcrash cock-up

2007-10-23T14:22:00.001+01:00

I'm a bit fucking worried.

Having had my job offer rebuffed by Dominique Walker (something to do with her impending marriage to that Touching The Void millionaire and mutterings about only wanting to do "two days a week"), I decided to make a lightning quick move for IWC's in-house vixen Sarah Walmsley.

(Now there's someone who can wear boots with a bit of style!)

But I fear that I have made a grave mistake.

I have just got round to watching a tape of her crown jewel Location, Location, Location that was broadcast live on Channel 4 last week. It was without doubt the worst car-crash telly I'd seen since watching Mick Fleetwood and Samantha Fox host the Brits when I was just a kid!

Walmsley has been talking nonstop about Kirsty's sister, saying she was a "bright hope" in terms of on-screen talent for My Channel. Not on this evidence she fucking isn't.

I simply cannot be associated with an Exec responsible for anything this clunky and have made moves to backtrack super quickly.

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: sarah.walmsley@iwcscotland.com
SUBJECT: RE: Re: London meet-up

Hi Sarah,

Given the current climate, I think it probably best if we think about bringing you in possibly in the New Year, rather than now. No-one here really expected the kind of cuts that Mark is going to have to make, and I think it will be difficult to get you in right now with tension among the staff running so high.

Lets talk again soon though. PS loved the fresh move of doing Location live last week. Very brave decision to use Kirsty and Phil in that way. Was Sue (Murphy) happy with the results?

Please give my regards to Hamish and the lovely Muriel, as ever

TVC x

And now for the Northern Irish vote...

2007-10-23T11:35:00.002+01:00

Some nobody regional commissioning exec in entertainment from Northern fucking Ireland has had the cheek to email me:

FROM: Mike.Edgar03@Corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Friday Nights

Hi TVC,

I know it's probably already in hand, but would you consider letting us pitch for the prestigious tender of producing your Friday night live entertainment show?

We've been working with Paddy Kielty's independent production company Green Inc and think we've got a real spinner of an idea for you.

Me and my team are coming to the mainland in two weeks. Can we pop by and see you?

All the best

Mike

What, the Corporation has an entertainment department in Belfast?? I suppose post the troubles there would have been a need to corporately realign the staffing (less news, more 'fun' stuff).

Anyway, I'm not going to get sidetracked from my plans for Friday night (it's now down to Hat Trick, Objective, Zeppotron and the in-house Comedy Unit) so I send this stiff but polite email back to Edgar:

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Mike.Edgar03@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: RE: Friday Nights

Hi Mike,

Thanks for getting in touch, and nice of you to be thinking of me and my channel.

I'm afraid I've now finalised the companies shortlisted to produce the Friday evening post-peak studio entertainment format for My Channel. However, if you've got any other ideas that you think might appeal to my nationwide (let's not forget!) youth audience please feel free to email them to Suzanne Gilfillan who looks after this part of the schedule for me.

Best regards,

TVC

Little Britain Complaints Committee

2007-10-22T10:30:00.000+01:00

At this morning's monthly yawnfest meeting with the 12-strong Vision Editorial Policy and Viewer Monitoring Committee (VEPVMC), I was forced into a corner defending of all things a fucking 2am repeat of Little Britain from last week.

Why?

Because some ignorant, dumb-as-fuck viewer (probably from Middlesbrough) has launched a petty letter-writing crusade against the portrayal of Daffyd Thomas as "the bullying of a young defenceless homosexual man living in the provinces"

Jesus Christ! What fucking planet is this guy on??

I had to wade through 27 pages from the Viewer Logs reading every single piece of twaddle this person has made against the show:

"I think that the show is disgusting actually. The insights about physically handicapped people are funny. But the bullying of Daffyd is pretty revolting. And when it starts to talk about his boyfriend and his sexual orientation . . . I've got to say the media have been outrageous to keep going on about it. Would they have done that if it kept referring to his skin colour? No. So why is it OK to keep commenting on the guy being gay? I mean what the fuck has that got to do with anything?"

Have been forced by Fifi to draft a groveling response (Kevin never made me do this kind of shit at Channel 4.)

Dear Viewer,

As the Controller of a publicly funded and accountable broadcaster, I treat any complaints about our output very seriously indeed.

Little Britain is a phenomenally successful comedy show featuring fictitious characters that has won countless awards and brought a great deal of joy and happiness to viewers.

The portrayal of Daffyd is actually a satirical and affectionate play on sexual identity in contemporary Britain. I should also stress that Daffyd is a work of fiction. Any references to real people called "Daffyd" who happen to be gay, live in Wales and wear tight-fitting black PVC shorts are entirely coincidental.

The sharpness of the character reflects how sophisticated this country has become in terms of tolerance, to the point where David Walliams (straight) and Matt Lucas (gay) - along with the entertainment commissioning teams here at the Corporation - felt able to create a character tackling sexual tolerance in the regions.

Your valued comments have been noted and I take great pleasure in enclosing a £5 Corporation token that can be used to purchase books or DVDs from the Corporation shop. (Little Britain Series 2 is 50% off right now)

Yours sincerely

TVC
Channel Controller

Give me back my £10million!

2007-10-19T10:11:00.000+01:00

FROM: James.Silver@Guardian.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Grade

TVC,

Are the rumours true that Michael Grade was hauled in for questioning last night by the Serious Fraud Squad and questioned over how his company was able to fleece the public of £7.8million and get away with it? And how is it that heads haven't rolled over this?

Is it also true that Simon Shaps brought in Paul McKenna to coach Grade in presentation techniques to prepare for yesterday's announcements?

James
PS. Are they going to axe the Youth Channel or not?

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: JamesHerring@DarkLord.com
SUBJECT: Grandad Grade

Herring

Are the rumours true that Michael Grade was hauled in for questioning last night by the Serious Fraud squad and questioned over how his company was able to fleece the public of £7.8million and get away with it? And how is it that heads haven't rolled over this?

Is it also true that Simon Shaps brought in Paul McKenna to coach Grade in presentation techniques to prepare for yesterday's announcements?

Best
TVC
PS. Why haven't you squashed rumours about My Channel getting axed??

FROM: JamesHerring@DarkLord.com
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Re: Grade

I'm busy. Go away.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Youth Channel rumours

Fifi,

Slightly concerned that these vicious rumours about the Youth Channel being axed have been allowed to run in the press unchallenged. Should I meet with Press&Publicity today and draft a swift and unequivocal denial from yourself to run in Monday's Media Guardian??

Your humble servant,
TVC

FROM: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: RE: Youth Channel rumours

Please schedule a meeting for next month with my assistant to discuss this.

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: All Suppliers; All Commissioning; All Genre Heads
SUBJECT: Don't believe what you read in the papers

Hello.

Despite the unfortunate redundancies and across-the-board programme budget cuts, I'd like to reassure you - our valued suppliers and creatives - that I remain absolutely committed to commissioning the best Itchy™ programmes and finding the best Screamy™ onscreen talent.

The Youth Channel remains very much Open For Business!

I am available next week for face-time meetings to drill down on my 2008/9 Needs List.

Keep the faith,
TVC

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Anthea_perfect@aol.com
SUBJECT: your idea

A,
Terrible news - have you seen the papers? I've had £10million slashed from next year's budget and until I have a chance to re-allocate my (meagre) funds, I will have to put a temporary hold on your new development: ANTHEA TURNER BATTLES THE YOSHIMI ROBOTS.
Lunch soon?
TVC x

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: personalassistant01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: crying in the workplace

Anthony,

I know these are difficult times and you're upset about your camp friend in programme finance being given the chop, but we need to keep professional about this. (And not cry all over the level one treatments for next week!)

Imagine how I feel? I've just lost 10 million quid, I've got the Trust poking their noses into all the ed specs for my Autumn 08 slate, my brand manager is refusing to answer my calls and my boss won't meet me, but you don't see me weeping about it, do you?

Your boss (and friend)
TVC

What the Fuck is Herring up to?

2007-10-18T12:57:00.000+01:00

Increasingly alarmed that Herring's slick campaign to raise The Smurf's profile is having a dangerous impact on my own media brand.

I can see what The Dark Lord is up to: in a perfect world, I get the Mothership job, and Murphy gets his old job back at the Youth Channel. Why else would Herring be orchestrating a campaign for The Smurf to speak out defending My Channel left, right and centre? First it was the Guardian, now it's fucking Newsnight! What next? Going on Dickinson Moss and dancing around with 4 poofs and a piano?

Where was MY fucking invite to appear on Newsnight or even The Heaven & Earth show??

How can I be expected to implement my important creative vision with The Smurf snapping away at my heels like a ferocious pug-faced little Chihuahua! Doesn't The Dark Lord think I'm old enough and strong enough to fight my own corner anymore?

I have decided that the only option I have right now is to abide by Herring's oft-quoted slogan: "keep the cunts you hate closer than the dicks you dislike" (he has this hanging up in his ensuite office bathroom)

TO: Stuart_Murphy@twofour.regional.com
FROM TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
BCC:fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Congrats!

Stuart

You and your team have successfully won our Mexican tender.

Fifi, Ben and myself thought '24hr Mexican Rave' would be a fantastic accompaniment to the next series of Last Twat Standing airing next spring. I love the way we can access the grim poverty of the country through an upbeat mix of hedonistic drugs and music. Let's meet up soon to go over how we can strip it over 2 weeks and build the jeopardy for the live finale.

Also, re: presenters. I have my doubts about Preston from the Ordinary Boys. Can we have a think about someone a bit more screamy™?

Regards
TVC

Murphy is in my sights now......

Dickinson Moss's Benevolent Fund for Unemployed Hacks

2007-10-18T11:10:00.000+01:00

Having emailed the notorious uber-agent Perry Mansell with a request to do lunch, I get this rather aggressive response back instead:

FROM: perry.mansell@closedheadphones.com
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Re: Lunch?

I've got an idea for you, you nerdy little prick. I've just come back from a meeting with all the creatives for Children In Need. Mossy was there, as was Gervais, Norton and the rest of the cunts. They want to club together and donate a week of their fees to a benevolent fund for the soon-to-be out-of-work Broadcast Journalists that the Ginger bearded cunt is going to lay off.

Dickinson wants to know if you'd do a programme following his efforts to convince fellow A-list celebrities to do the same?

But we have to call it Dickinson Moss's Benevolent Fund for Unemployed Hacks (D.M.B.F.F.U.H for short) - none of this Save the Journos or fucking crap like that.

You have 1 hour to respond to this email or I'll fuck off and take it to ITV

Perry x

Christ! What a load of shit. Not to mention a complete rip-off of that crudely executed idea over at C4.

I emailed Perry back within ten minutes:

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: perry.mansell@closedheadphones.com
SUBJECT: RE:Re: Lunch?

Perry

Fantastic to hear from you. I'm honoured that you thought of The Youth Channel as a home for this wonderful idea. Dickinson should be knighted for his selfless actions (by my rough calculations 1 week of Moss could probably cover the salary of 13 Broadcast Journalists, so we're well on our way)

Have you considering getting the likes of Paxman, Moyles, Humphreys or Wogan involved? They earn a wedge (Paxo is on £800k a year I hear) and their involvement would be crucial to the integrity of this Big Thinking project.

I will take this immediately to Fifi and get her thoughts.

Warm regards,
TVC

Is my job safe?

2007-10-17T12:06:00.000+01:00

Called Anthony into the office, put my feet on the desk and barked: "What's happening in my empire, cock?"

He handed me a secret job cut memo he'd pinched from Fifi's assistant's desk. It confirmed all my suspicions about where the jobcuts will fall:

20% Staff Directors (Ego maniacs with no films who are now stuck in development at a cost of £1400 per week)

20% Producers (Feeding the bloated egos of staff directors with ideas to pitch in weekly meetings to Exec Producers)

10% Exec producers (Acting as filters for good ideas telling commissioning executives what to think)

30% Commissioning Executives (Whose only function it seems is to second guess and decipher the whims of important controllers. Like me)

10% New Media (3G content functionality wafflers and assorted techno wankers)

10% Scheduling (How many fucking people does it take to decide when to air a programme? I can do this with my eyes closed)

Has my beloved world of TV gone completely and utterly fucking insane??

Anthony also tells me that twinkle toes Andy Zein is jostling for poll position in the race for the top prize. Fifi is supporting the youthful munchkin because of his favourable links with the indie sector and ability to secure top level talent. (I immediately make a mental note to email top talent cock Perry Mansell to arrange a lunch.)

Anthony tells me not to fret, however, because he's heard that she is a little concerned about his lack of programme making experience.

(Shit! Since when has not making programmes ever been a problem for Fifi???)

Re-branding from hell

2007-10-16T08:51:00.000+01:00

£75 grand in 'visualising' and 'brand extension' fees and this is what Bryan and his wanky bunch at Wolff Olins have come up with...

Bryan said it was 'hyper-modern' to appeal to the myspace generation and that the images of policemen and stuffy older figures of authority was 'post-ironic'.

Rubbish!

It's a sad, pathetic red number being held by some thinning hair geriatrics. Hardly £75k worth of the best brand designers in the country.

I didn't get to be the youngest (and most talented) TV Channel controller of his generation without spotting when I'm getting bullshitted.

(Mind you perhaps I should have known better. After all the Wolff Olins gang were behind this debacle.)

Have ordered the 22 Immutable Laws of Branding from Amazon.

I'm sure I can do a lot fucking better than these re-branding media wankers.

Fuck Stuart Murphy

2007-10-15T11:20:00.000+01:00

I feel betrayed. In today's Media Guardian, Stuart Murphy and his dark forces are gathering their troops and making the first of a series of assaults on my precious empire. Dream on Smurf boy! The top job needs something a bit special, not a kid from the north in an estate agent's suit. They need me: The Special One.

I've been trying to build a relationship with the Smurf but he seems intent on dissing what I'm doing. Reading the article (for the 17th time) I feel that Smurfy doesn't 'get me'. I can't work with anyone who doesn't 'get me' or see where My Channel is coming from.

This Sunday I was supposed to go to this Jewish speed dating event at the e-bar (for 40 and 50 something hot MILFs!) with Smurf as my wingman. Normally, I like having the cheeky northern Smurf at my side as a lucky dating mascot (he's so smooth with the ladies - despite the wicked rumours that Anthony keeps spreading around the doughnut canteen) and the last time Smurfy acted as my wingman I got the phone number (or 'digits' as Smurfy calls them) of Miranda Raison.

[I never had the bottle to actually call her, but that's not the point]

Emailed smurfy:

To: s_murphy@twofourindie.com
From: tvc01@Corporation.co.uk
Subject: the weekend

Stuart,

Nice interview in The Guardian. Love the suit. I'm afraid I will have to cancel our dating event on Sunday, as I have an important meeting with Mark Thompson on Monday to talk through my plans for Corporation One. He is very keen to hear my thoughts on taking the channel forward. I simply cannot risk getting squiffy on white wine spritzers - I know what you're like!
Regards, as ever
TVC

Chicks with Drills

2007-10-12T10:24:00.000+01:00

Oh no, Daisy G has a brand new obsession: power drills.

She is convinced that her NBC (Next Big Commission) is going to come from this plainly ridiculous notion that women are meeting in suburban semi-detached houses across the nation to teach each other how to wield Black n Decker power tools and screw in lightbulbs.

"It's the return of Tupperwear parties!" she screeched down the phone at me. "And another thing TVC. You simply must come to a swishing event I'm throwing next week when I get back from Woodstock."

My heart froze.

Finally, after years and years of secretly dreaming, Daisy had invited me "to swish".

I've studied all the documentaries on swishing (usually aired late night on Five and Bravo) and have always wanted to throw my keys into a pot and take my chances.

"Daisy, I don't know what to say. Am I ready for that sort of thing, do you think? Can't it be a bit, er, embarrassing?"

"God no TVC! Unless you have terrible taste in fashion... which you don't of course!" (she quickly added)

Fashion?!

I immediately swear Anthony to secrecy and instruct him to pop to Ann Summers and pick me up some saucy jock-strap undies and a cock ring.

Mr Know-It-All then points out that 'swishing' is substantially different from 'swinging' and did I know this?

Hiding my embarrassment I say "Of course I know that, cockface" and ring Daisy up to cancel. Phew. Close call.

It turns out thet Daisy is talking about some crazy new trend where you swap clothes with your best mates. And then these PowderPuff girls turn up to do your hair (sounds very girly and incredibly dull).

Not exactly the kind of itchy™ & squelchy™ formats My Channel needs to commission. How the hell can I tell Her Royal Poshness to raise her game without pissing her off for good?

Taking over the No.1 job

2007-10-11T08:04:00.000+01:00

There's a reason why I've deliberately refused to make any kind of official comment yet on the constant speculation linking me with the Mothership Controller's job.

Yesterday, soccer mom Jane Root, daytime drama queen Alison Sharman and the old professor himself Roly Keating officially ruled themselves out of the job.

Yeah, right!!

I am planning a far more surreptitious and canny approach to landing the top job rather than mouthing off to the likes of Tara Conlan at the fucking Guardian.

Or for that matter confiding in Fifi (she's a dead woman walking, and to be honest I want nothing more to do with her. I made my intentions clear by completely ignoring 14 emails from her yesterday).

Upon my instruction Anthony lunched with Roly's very sexy PA and came back in high spirits: "I knew it! I knew it!" he gushed getting all excited and mincing around his work terminal. "Roly ABSOLUTELY is going for the top job. What should we do, TVC? What should our plan of action be?"

Very alarmed of his use of the word "we", so I made him sit down and said: "Anthony, I am totally in control of the situation. Thank you for lunching with your PA friend for me. Your assistance shall not go unrewarded. Now get back to your work, cock."

This is how I intend to woo the DG:

Next week I am due to address members of the Oxford Union as one of its more prominent alumni. Beforehand I shall enquire whether Thommo (being a local lad) wants to enjoy a v discreet supper at this place (highly recommended by my old pal Jay Rayner so it must be good).

And that is when I shall make my move.

Already it reminds me of when Blair and Brown met at Granita and created New Labour all those years ago.

Thommo and I can plan key broadcasting multi-platform convergence strategy for the next century well away from the media throngs of London, and he can come to think of me as his natural heir.

What a divine plan - even if I do say so myself!

Stick that one up your arse Roly fucking poly!!

Bored of Facebook

2007-10-10T09:34:00.000+01:00

Checking my emails over breakfast (high fibre bran, Innocent smoothie, Uruguay blend espresso) when I received a "poke" from McDonald (one of my lackies) via the Facebook website.

Upon further investigations, I realised that McDonald has been spending upwards of 6 hours a fucking day on that bloody site!

I went to Jessica in HR, and expressed my concerns that McDonald was wasting (my) valuable time and not concentrating on his work. Surely this was solid grounds for instant dismissal?

She laughed, told me to "relax" and that it was unofficial Corporation policy that every employee be permitted to use Facebook as part of Thommo's progressive 'Work/Life Balance: Managing Creativity Effectively' policy report published last week.

Once again, this tired, bloated, fucking whale of a broadcaster has thwarted me from exercising the kind of power that is commonplace in any indie or commercial broadcaster when dealing with the smallfry (who are deliberately kept on short, insecure freelance contracts.)

Bollocks.

At least I hope McDonald's addiction isn't as bad as someone else I have the misfortune to know: Simon Arkwright III, the Biggest Fattest Gayest man in TV.

Yesterday I received an invitation to join him as one of his 'friends' AGAIN (this was the 137th time in the past month he's tried to befriend me in his virtual world)

I have NO fucking intention of publicly declaring my friendship with this cock cheese I can assure you!!

Where does he find the time? If he was Execing one of my shows, I'd be a bit fucking concerned about the amount of time he spends on Facebook.

Mind you, it comes as no real surprise. From what I hear, Arkwright's going to be needing as many friends (virtual or otherwise) as he can get quite soon.

[Goodbye Facebook. Hello P45]

MIPCOM madness

2007-10-09T08:56:00.000+01:00

Got woken abruptly on the Blackberry by Hincksy. It was 6.40am and it was fucking obvious he'd been up half the night partying his white-boy posh arse off [I know he really likes to let his hair down when he does the south of France]

He said that he'd managed to secure a deal with some nobody broadcaster called Spektrum in Hungary to do Salopes Anglaises, and wasn't I "over the moon to finally see it make it to screen?"

This is just fucking ridiculous. That was (and still is) MY FUCKING IDEA!!! Christ, I put it up for a proper editorial spec for fuck's sake!

Emailed Hincksy straight back:

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Timothy.Hincks@endemolglobal.inc.tv
SUBJECT: Re: Salopes to air in Hungary!

Dear Hincksy,

You're obviously having a ball out at MIPCOM. Especially now you're free of that posh twit Baz, but please do remember that Salopes Anglaises is a Youth Channel idea (even if I cannot get it off the ground right now) and that you should tread very carefully regarding the format rights to this project.

If I take on the Controller's job of the mothership, this is one idea that I still have high hopes of bringing back to life (possibly for Saturday teatimes), so I hope for your sake that you haven't Endemoled it to pieces and really aren't flogging the fucking shit out of it on some mega-yacht to all and sundry.

PS - can you still do squash on Thursday night at 6.45pm when you get back?

Best regards,

TVC
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

That should do it. Now back to refining that all-important mission statement.

I need a personal Mission Statement

2007-10-07T17:36:00.000+01:00

Surprised to read in today's News of the Screws that Lauren Hennessey might throw her hat into the ring for Head of Corporation One job.

Was I worried?

Fuck no.

In fact a shiver of excitement went through my body at the thought of going one-on-one in a heavyweight Broadcasting bigwig slugfest with the tiny (but perfectly formed) sexy little midget.

I would come out victorious, of course. Besides she's done the job before. Old school; old hat; old g-string knickers (or not).

I called up Daisy G to upload the latest titbits from the gossiping indie classes. I think I must have interrupted her Bikram Yoga session mid-stream as she was out of puff, and all I could hear were women grunting in the background.

After flattering her a bit by saying I loved the noise Bringing Up Baby was creating, Daisy warned me that to succeed I needed my own personal mission statement that clearly defined who I am to Thommo and the Trust.

It should focus on my best personal qualities (good looks, charm, fantastic management bedside manner, etc) and communicate to people how successful I ultimately want to be.

She reminded me that even the precocious art students at Leopard films have posted up their Mission Statement on the wall (printed on a grubby piece of A4):

"We sell carefully crafted ideas to commissioning editors that are HOT and FRESH"

(And this is the best James Burstall's cutting edge 'ethical' indie can come up with??! I must remember to remind Burstall that I couldn't care less how ethical his company is, as long as his ideas are 10 notches above HOT (scorching nuclear holocaust HOT?) and at least fifty times more FRESH than just fresh (line-caught halibut fish FRESH?)

So after spending a few hours consulting the Five-Step Plan for Creating Personal Mission Statements it came to me in a flash.

Succinct.

Catchy.

Encompassing my core brand values and key relationship with Da Kids:

"TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO CHANNEL CONTROLLER HAS GONE BEFORE. TO ALWAYS STRIVE FOR WHAT IS BEYOND THE EVENT HORIZON. TO INNOVATE, MOTIVATE AND CREATIVELY EXFOLIATE, SO THAT I CAN BE THE BEST A MAN CAN BE"

Genius! I doubt Taylor Herring or even Charles Saatchi could have come up with anything better than that.

Tomorrow I will instruct Anthony to print one thousand laminated copies on 3"x3" card to be distributed at all the watering holes throughout the Corporation. And perhaps I might even mount one on my office wall in frosted glass (or should it be coloured perspex?? Will ask Daisy).

The Top Job is mine for the taking mutha-fuckas!!

Cabinet reshuffle

2007-10-05T16:14:00.000+01:00

I don't fucking believe it.

The dinosaurs are mobilising their forces to take over the fucking Corporation. Roly has been handed the reigns of The Mothership and bloody Entwistle is in the running for the Top Job with a reputation as being a 'moderniser' according to the Guardian.

What the fuck?! No mention of yours truly.

I'd like to think that when it comes to being modern, hip and scratchy™ I have that territory pretty much sewn up. There's only one TV Controller wearing fucking Carhartt in the office today, and it isn't Peter fucking Barron.

Determined not to be left behind I bash out a quick email to the Corporation's headmistress Fifi:

TO: Fif01@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: URGENT

Dear Fifi

In the short time that I've been here, I hope that my key strengths as a creative leader - not to mention my unbridled enthusiasm for the job - have been apparent.

I've been at the helm of the creative renewal of a channel tarnished by the sordid brush of commercialism, and I am very proud of how the demographic has been envigorated with the exuberance of youth.

We are forging ahead with some key architecture (ie. the rebrand) and building an extremely robust Spring schedule (My web-comedy written by a ten year-old, Lily Allen's Streetz Smartz, Anthea Turner: Perfect Lay and Steven Seagal night - to name but a few)

I'm certainly ready for the next challenge and would hate to be overlooked in the current re-allocation of roles following Peter's unfortunate error of judgement.

Your humble servant,
TVC

Is this my destiny?

2007-10-05T13:20:00.000+01:00

Boy, why did I decide to dress like Eminem today of all days?

Camera crews from rival stations are gathering outside the gates of TV Centre because Peter 'The Billionaire' Fincham has fallen on his sword and will be escorted out of the building by security at 4pm.

Fifi is nowhere to be seen, although a highly confidential email addressed to just a few key execs (like me) from Caroline Thomson says "she's safe - for now".

Down the road in West Kensington I hear a tearful Stephen Lambert is packing all of his Wife Swap awards into a cheap backpackers rucksack borrowed from a runner and making for his yacht off Le Cap d'Antibes.

All this just because of a dodgy trailer?

Cripes.

There's an old TV proverb that goes something like 'sniffing the right moment to pounce doth maketh the new controller of Corporation One'.

I lock the door to my office and get the Dark Lord up on speed dial.

"So..." I begin a little hesitantly, "is this my time? Is my destiny upon me already??"

Silence on the other end.

I get a bit more specific: "Should I be gathering my supporters around me? Mending bridges with my enemies?" Still nothing. Getting a bit frustrated, I continue: "Look, James. I suppose what I am trying to say is have I got a chance of making the shortlist to takeover the mothership: Corporation One?"

There's a long, long silence on the other end of the phone. "Hello?" I say in a bit of a nervy, girly voice. Then all of a sudden The Dark Lord breaks into a laugh. And doesn't stop. This cacophony of laughter nearly splits my eardrum. I've never, EVER heard such guffawing come down a phone line like this before.

Why do I even fucking bother with Herring sometimes?

I hang up and call my old boss Kevin Lygo - it goes straight to voicemail.

"Kev, hi, it's TVC. I wondered if you had some time next week for me to ask your advice on something über important....."

Poaching Dominique Walker

2007-10-05T09:37:00.000+01:00

Here's me travelling into work this morning on the tube, sporting a pair of cool-as-fuck Carhartt Carpenter jeans that I had Anthony buy for me yesterday from somewhere in Shepherd's Bush, as today is Jeans For Genes day!

I am also wearing a pair of Adidas Stan Smith white trainers to complete the outfit.

(these 'trainer' thingies are really comfortable aren't they?!)

Confidently bounced all the way into TV Centre knowing that unlike last time I wasn't going to get caught out again.

My sartorial look is bound to remind the likes of Karl Warner and Fifi that I'm still totally on top of my fucking game: I know what looks good on the street, and I can wear it fucking well.

It got me thinking about someone else who always looks hot in a pair of jeans... my old friend Dominique Walker at Channel 4.

Dom is unloved, under appreciated and totally ripe for the plucking. I can't understand why Julian has sidelined her and marginalised such an ENORMOUS talent within a channel devoid of totty who are in touch with the popular tabloid female-skewed Jacobs Creek-drinking demographic.

Did he not see Jamie's School Dinners for fuck's sake?!

Time to flex my well-toned muscles I feel. I'm going to instruct Andrew Heath to be on red alert and start making the necessary arrangements. I think I'll want her to join as my new Head of Popular Specialist Entertainment and Formatted Factual Lite. If Kleiny can't grasp the meaning of 'factual with a light touch' than I shall have to light a fire up his Tory backside with DW's arrival.

I'm sure I can fast-track her through the (tortuous) interview board with a bit of expert coaching on when to mention 'public service entertainment' and her driving passion for 'holistic programming solutions' to the 'gaping holes in the schedule'.

Piece of piss when you know how.

Giving Alan Yentob head

2007-10-03T07:05:00.000+01:00

Just woke up from a v v fucking disturbing nightmare that I feel I must urgently share with someone:

I was working late (no surprise there!) on the 6th floor when I looked up from the ninth re-write of my 'More Cuddles: The Youth Channel Rebrand Implementation' powerpoint to see Alan 'Botney' Yentob slide into my office puffing on a $1,000 La Carona 5 and a half inch cigar and looking a bit like this:

(Disgusting, I know....... to see him flout the no-smoking ban so brazenly)

The next thing I knew, he had unzipped the ample girth of his manhood from a smart Gucci suit and forced me to pleasure him for what seemed like three neck-aching hours.

The thought of this still makes me want to gag.

I could hardly eat any granola for breakfast. I'm still plucking imaginary grey beard hair from my teeth.

What can this disturbing dream/premonition mean???!

[Texted Daisy G and asked her for the number of that Polish therapist she has been seeing recently. I get the feeling I'm going to need professional help to get over this one.]

Rebranding The Youth Channel

2007-10-01T10:20:00.000+01:00

I've got a fucking good idea for how to make people sit up and take notice of My Youth Channel. Every executive in the building is asking me how I'm going to launch my itchy new schedule on the masses.

Simple.

No, not invest in 'boring' programmes.

I'm going to hire Wolff Olins, the best branding experts in London.

Gone will be the strange claymation figures and DelaSoul "Three" theme tune - which reminds me of The Smurf and his cheeky northern days.

(Makes me feel really dirty and old.)

Their Head of Brand guru Bryan is going to Sex Up the Youth Channel with some bright colours and meaningful 'youth iconography'.

The old Three will be replaced by the brand spankingly modern NEW Three.

A number that will say to the world: Watch me, I'm relevant. I'm contemporary. I'm not full of repeats and shock docs about children, pregnancy, pregnant children, smelly people or Anthea Turner slumming it with poor dirty working class folk.

Scouse bus shelter

2007-09-28T11:16:00.000+01:00

One of the Corporation's comedy commissioning editors has just emailed me this:

FROM: Jon.Rolph02@Corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Liverpool bus shelter sitcom issue

Hi TVC,

Bad news I'm afraid. Dave Longley's sitcom pilot set in a Liverpool bus shelter on a Sunday afternoon might need to be temporarily shelved.

I've just got word from Lee Martin, his agent, that he tried to crack a gag about Rhys Jones (the kid that got murdered) whilst doing stand-up in Liverpool and nearly got bottled as a result.

How do you want me to proceed with this highly charged situation?

Yours,
Jon

This situationalist sitcom is a cracking idea and I don't want to lose it. We have three hip, shouty, cool-as-fuck Scouse teenagers just hanging around in a bus shelter and every week their respective grandparents come by because they need to catch a bus to go to Bingo.

Often, the young people are still strung out on high-end drugs from partying at Cream the previous night. Hilarity ensures! There is no laughter track and the dialogue is very 'street' (much to the confusion of the elderlys).

Real generation gap material that My Audience will completely relate to (even if I don't).

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Jon.Rolph02@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: RE: Liverpool bus shelter sitcom issue

This is way too hot for the Corp right now. We don't need another Hillsborough or Boris Johnson fuck up. Fuck Longley. Go find me someone else who's funny and can patch this mess up.
Warm regards
TVC

It is paramount that the people of Liverpool don't get wind that the Youth Channel was ready to give Longley his TV break - that city has a nasty history of ganging up and holding grudges on the media.

(I hear Dave Gravy is one Scouser who still to this day refuses to buy The Sun)

The last thing I need is to be hated by the entire population of Liverpool!

Poaching Jeremy Kyle

2007-09-27T10:00:00.000+01:00

Whilst Kyle is getting a bashing in the news about his 'human bear baiting' style of information-rich daytime content, I have instructed Anthony to contact his agent ASA-fucking-P to set up a secret meeting with the talented (and very suave looking) Jezza.

With ratings-proven talent like this getting a kicking at Network Centre (I hear that uber-nervy old man Michael Grade wants to tone down his whole raison d'être) Jezza is ripe for the plucking.

My aim is to lure him to the Youth Channel at a bargain rate of £145k per year (plus appearance fees, book spin-offs, etc) and a guaranteed commissioning run of 364 episodes (he can have Xmas day off) to be made by his own indie [I'll even let him stay in Manchester if he so wishes].

He'll be swimming in a veritable semen-and-piss-filled jacuzzi of cash.

And I'll have secured the youngest and most talented shock-journalist of his generation to host a new late night talk show called, simply, KYLE!

Move the fuck to one side Paxo and Charlotte Church!!

What a coup. This will send shock waves through the industry that will even be felt in Thommo's sleepy Cotswold retreat. And it will make My Channel feel really front-agenda stuff.

You can't deny I know how to spot raw talent when I see it.

F**king fuming with Andy Parfitt

2007-09-26T13:28:00.000+01:00

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: AParfitt03@Corporation.co.uk
CC: legal_compliance01@Corporation.co.uk
BCC: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Wed, 26 Sep 2007 13:08:31 +0100
SUBJECT: Buzzwords & Trademarks

Andy,

Firstly, really enjoyed attending the VIP Radio 1 40th birthday party the other night. Thanks for the invite and your kind hospitality.

Anyway, it has been drawn to my attention by a third party that the Insight Boards over at the Corporation's Switch HQ may contain mission-speak that closely resembles some of my programming slogans. Specifically, "make it sticky".

I must remind you and your colleagues that the term "Itchy Reality" was official registered as a trademark in May shortly after I arrived at the Corporation. On May 29th I sent out my first commissioning brief outlining my vision for the Youth Channel, where I debuted the term "Itchy Reality" for the first time. I have subsequently made the term a key part of my mission slogans (as you would know if you visited my office and saw my various mood boards), and also launched an exclusive range of Youth Channel merchandise (courtesy of Taylor Herring) at the Edinburgh TV Festival in August.

This means that I have exclusive use of the term "Itchy Reality", 'including any phrases or other adjectives that obviously link or allude to the notion of any content that is produced or formed with "itchiness" in mind at the creative point of origin. These words include, but are in no way limited, to: SCRATCHY™; STICKY™; PRICKLY™; SMUDGY™, SCREECHY™ & SQUELCHY™...

(that's all taken directly from the terms of my trademark agreement, by the way).

Look, I certainly don't want to poo all over the great work the Switch team are starting to do - after all, their demographic feeds directly into mine - but I think that stepping on the Youth Channel's toes is something you need to be acutely aware of.

I look forward to working with you on more sticky™ (!) projects in future.

Warm regards,
TVC
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Fuck Storyville

2007-09-26T07:50:00.000+01:00

Enlightening breakfast meeting with Fifi at The Grill at the Dorchester, discussing at length what to do with the re-allocation of funds from Storyville.

[Personally I cannot wait for the extra cash to plow into innovative drama and spunky music entertainment with Zane Lowe]

She agrees with me that Storyville had long since ceased in its usefulness and been taken over by the predictable elitist artfilm wank brigade.

A bit like the Sheffield Documentary Festival.

I want my TV to be entertaining and fun and young. We should cater for The Kids, not a bunch of documentary obsessed rich Guardian-reading jacket&jeans-wearing white blokes... like me!

No!

Our output must be inclusive. Welcoming. Multi-dimensional. And have 360 degree scope.

So before you militant old school snore-umentary makers start picketing my office, please note that I am distributing a questionnaire through my alt-focus group community network of websites (Bebo, Myspace, Friends Reunited, FaceFluff etc), plugging mainline into what Da Kidz think.

They will have the final say.

TV QUESTIONNAIRE (please send back for your chance to win a PS3)
1) Do you know what The Corporation is? (for a bonus point have you ever heard of some 'geezer bloke' called Mark Thompson?)

2) When was the last time you saw a Storyville documentary?

3) Do you remember the name of it? (for a bonus point can you correctly spell the name of aforementioned documentary film?)

4) When was the last time you were at a 'banging' party and someone said the following: "yo, man, did you catch that great Storyville thinkpiece about karaoke singing farmers in the Ukraine last night, innit?"

5) When was the last time you ever met someone who worked in TV that watched Storyville and tried to get you to Sky Plus it (for a tenner and some free fags)?

6) Do you give a shit and prefer to download DVDs and happy slap your friends?

Once the results have been collated I will distribute them to prove once and for all that NO-ONE OUTSIDE OF TV GIVES A FUCK ABOUT STORYVILLE.

Now, where did I put my dental floss??

Richard Macer has been living in a Travelodge

2007-09-25T10:20:00.000+01:00

Offbeat, one-off, camp documentaries hold zero interest for me these days. Especially if it involves Richard Macer sleeping on a camp bed in this ugly couple's hotel room. He's been living with them for the past 6 weeks making a film about what he calls their "heartwarming yet extraordinary" lifestyle.

Now that Todd Austin has done a runner, I suppose Macer sees me as his next port of call for his One Life-substandard documentaries.

Fuck off Macer.

Still *very* unhappy at the way he fucked up the access I'd semi-negotiated for him to go in and do an observational but fluffy series at Selfridges.

Macer won't be getting any more free rides from the Youth Channel. I suggest he goes and makes friends with Corporation rejects like Jo "happy" Clinton-Davis at ITV or Ralph Lee at Channel fucking Five.

Mexico season tender Part II

2007-09-24T10:05:00.000+01:00

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: headgirl@silverriver.tv; s.wurtzler@target.tv; amanda_murphy@richochet.com; lauren.hennessey@walkoutthames.co.uk; sarah.walmsley@iwcscotland.com; amy@blastproductions.com; kellyf@maverick-tv.com; sarah_ramsden@cheetah.endemolglobal.inc.tv; leanne@wall2wall.com; r_wrigley@celadortv.co.uk; laura@outlineproductions.com; viv@gordongecko.com; virginia@fresh.com; lucysutcliffe@rdf.co.uk; jpilkington@monkeymagic.co.uk
BCC: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Mexico

Ladies,

I am exclusively inviting you and your teams to tender for a new Mexico Season I am thinking about for January08 (when it is really grey and depressing and people need to be cheered up).

I am keen to hear about your 3 F's (Fun Fabulous Fluffy) programme formats that are light, shouty, revelatory and sunny - so no 'favela slum makeover' shows please (!!!)

Is there a new hot 'n spicy Jamie Oliver that we can discover and nurture? How should My Channel tackle the world of fashion or art (think the new Frida Kahlo). What could we get Dawn Porter doing? (her take on whether Mexican men make great lovers perhaps?)

What's going on in the world of property prices over in Mexico City??

Although I am keen to explore Mexican society, I would prefer ideas that still reflected contemporary young female Britain. Think "Me & You TV" for the U-21 generation.

The deadline is 1st October.

Look forward to reading your ab fab ideas,

Love
TVC xxxx

Mexico Season Tender

2007-09-21T12:23:00.001+01:00

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: timothy.hincks@endemolglobal.inc.tv; andrew.oconnor@objectify.com; adam.bullmore@october.com; psommers@tigertiger.com; tim.carter@2020.co.uk; tom_gutteridge@standingtall.tv; remy@amaze!me.tv; mckerrow@lovemeproductions.co.uk; bruce.goodison@feelgood.tv; roy.ackerman@diversity.com; mortimer_d@feverishmedia.com; magnustemple@fireblaze.co.uk; soldinger_m@fireflametv.com
BCC: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Mexico

Gentlemen,

I am exclusively inviting you and your teams to tender for a new Mexico Season I am thinking about for January08 (when it is really grey and depressing and people need to be cheered up).

Obviously I want to keep the season light, shouty, revelatory and sunny - so no 'peasants dying' films please.

Although I am keen to explore the prism of Mexican cultural life, I would prefer ideas that still reflected contemporary young Britain. Think "Me & You TV" for the U-21 generation.

The deadline is 1st October.

Look forward to reading your insatiable ideas,

TVC

Yo, big up to the TV massive!!!

2007-09-20T09:30:00.000+01:00

"Welcome back TVC. I know it's last minute but shouldn't you be at the MOBO awards tonight to keep an eye on your channel's prestigious coverage?" Fifi said as a welcome greeting yesterday.

Fuck me, please no....

Not an evening of swaying to headache-inducing 'rhymes' and aggressive 'gangsta beatz' with all the other white Kidz.

What had I done to deserve such torture?

"Karl Warner is going, perhaps you two could use the time to Blue Sky upload about how we can attract more Me TV viewers."

Aha! An opportunity to show the little squirt who was Boss Man around here.

I called Anthony into my office, told him to drop everything and nip out to Oxford St to find me a suitably hip wardrobe for the evening that would impress the fuck out Karl Warner.

He winked at me, "Leave it to me boss, I'll pimp you up" (whatever this meant)

Three hours later, with bags under my eyes the size of Sky satellite dishes, I stumbled to the O2 Stadium in my new streetsmart gear.

I must admit, I thought I looked cool-as-fuck.

The music was deafening. I spent the evening on the exclusive Youth Channel table, sipping on half a glass of champagne and making small talk with Frank fucking Bruno.

Anthony told me that I should use this 'street sign' when saying hello to anyone black:

Everything was going well until I flashed the hello greeting to Lethal Bizzle - and he flipped out, stormed over, getting 'in my face' (as the kids call it, I believe) asking me "who the fuck" did my "whitey corporate ass" think it was?

I told him to calm down and flashed my Corporation ID badge but he just laughed and called me a "bitch muthafucka".

How rude.

That's the problem with this generation - no fucking respect for their elders!

Still, despite this little hiccup, the evening was a huge success. I thought Shaggy and Jamelia held the whole event together exceptionally well (maybe worth adding to the shortlist to front My New Friday Night Live show?)

It's also given me a cracking new idea.... seeing all the white kids 'shaking their booty' (Karl taught me this phrase tonight, do you like it?) made me realise that I should launch a new 'TOBO Awards' for 2008.

We'll get a famous black person (I'm thinking Moira Stewart and the football player Rio Ferdinand as a combo maybe?) to present the first ever TV Of Black Origin award ceremony.

Not only can I bump up my 12.5% diversity quota but it will score me HUGE brownie points with Fifi and send a noisy message to my Corporation rivals: I will not be moved.

Yeah!! I fucking love my job!! It's great being back.

My flight home from hell

2007-09-19T09:42:00.000+01:00

You have got to be fucking kidding me?!

I rocked up at the airport to find the BA flight that Anthony had assured me would pick up from Cancun and fly directly back to LHR was in fact this:

His catastrophic flight bookings have probably cost the Corporation at least half a day of My Time (due to having to get over the jet lag, not having a 'rest spa' awaiting me at Heathrow, screaming fucking kids and goats sat RIGHT BEHIND ME.)

Check-in at Cancun was a nightmare. Queues as long as Elaine Bedell's latest expense account. Managed to get an aisle seat, but this mattered little once on board and the fucking SCREAMING KIDS STARTED.

I complained to the dumb short-sleeved-wearing air steward and stated that I was The Youngest Channel Controller in British Television History in the expectation that he would immediately upgrade me to Business.

But he just shrugged his unmanly shoulders and waltzed off, probably to stick a fucking pram in the overhead cabin.

The nightmare continued once we had taken off. The fucking children behind me carried on their crying and screaming, whilst I tried in vein to raise the volume on my iPod. But fuck all. Those expensive headphones couldn't block out the irritant noise.

Only 45 minutes into the 10 hour flight, I felt like kicking the window in. I really did. (Time I did a show about sensible, cleaver people "doing" air rage I think). Was in no mood to put up with the rude tourists returning back to England having spent their two weeks of sun in some secluded 3* all-inclusive resort eating western European food with the occasional taco thrown in and listening to La Bamba every night in the basement disco.

Finally landed, crawled through passport control and stood outside Terminal 4 looking for my car.

I waited.

And I waited.

And then I fucking waited some more.

2 minutes wasted.

Got the fucking BlackBerry out and emailed Anthony.

"Where the fuck is my fucking car to take me fucking home, you cock?"
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

I got no reply, and ended up jumping in a black cab that cost £43.75.

Someone's got a P-fucking-45 waiting on their desk tomorrow morning!

My boredom is killing me

2007-09-18T10:53:00.000+01:00

Bored

Bored

Bored

Bored

Bored

Bored

Sigh

And über paranoid that I'm missing lots of important things back in the office...

I can't stand being so detached from the exciting hubub of the 21st century media coalface.

Texted Anthony:

"Has That Kid started work today? Do not fucking let him out of your sight. I want to know who he speaks to, what he does, and how he gets on. Hourly updates, cock, and I might bring you back a bottle of Tequila. TVC"

Thank fuck I'm going home tomorrow.

Me, Gerry and his Missing Daughter

2007-09-17T02:47:00.000+01:00

Hola.

I have a difficult decision to make.

I've picked up an email on my BlackBerry from Danny Fenton at Zig Zag who wants an immediate answer to whether I'll commission a fast-turnaround film from him on this whole Madeleine McCann thing. I have already turned down Michaela's take on this messy affair which was tonally wrong for me, but Fenton claims to have a "killer 'in'"( Hmmm, unfortunate turn of phrase) to the whole story and promises a "definitive, exclusive and uniquely authored investigation into whether the parents killed Maddie".

Apparently, he has one of his Execs Jes Wilkins embedded with the GP parents, and reckons his testimony holds the key to whether or not the parents get prosecuted.

"We have some cracking handicam footage TVC, especially of Gerry and Jes playing tennis together. My boy got his girlfriend Brigid to film it. Terrific revelations!"

This is a typical dilemma for me: good idea from the wrong producer.

Can someone like Fenton (and his football hooligan reputation) pull off a film of this magnitude? He's hardly known for his current affairs credentials is he?!

And who the fuck is Jes Wilkins anyhow?!

Plus, according to the Mexican press, the News of the Screws have already got hold of the story, so I don't feel it is that "exclusive" enough for me.

I'm not stupid. I know what Danny Fenton's gameplan is here. He would snatch a Channel 4 or BBC1 (or even ITV) commission in a heartbeat, so why the fuck is he fishing in my digital domain?

I'm not going to be drawn into a bidding war for this project. I immediately email Fenton back and say: "Hi Danny.

Thanks for this.

Obviously I'm interested but I will need to know an awful lot more before I can give you a proper response. I imagine Legal & Compliance at the Corporation will need to be across this too. I'm currently away, but will get back to you properly first thing next week.

TVC
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

I'm sure that will suffice for a couple of days whilst I finish topping up my tan.

My new format to save the world

2007-09-14T08:47:00.000+01:00

Each time I step outside of the hotel compound this little fucker keeps bothering me for presents, food, cigarettes (I don't smoke) and money.

But why am I so cynical and hostile all the time? Here I am, a privileged, rich westerner - who could afford to feed him and his family for a year on a single week's wages - and yet I don't want to give him a penny.

If there's one thing I've learn't on my trip is that we really need to engage more with the economically deprived.

I am going to get that sob-umentary BAFTA winning director Brian Hill to work up "Save a Street Urchin" (BUT NO FUCKING SINGING!!) as soon as I get back to London.

I might also get that one man band-outfit Renegade to have Nicky Taylor do a special Mexican one-off called How F**king Poor Can I Get? where she has to beg a peasant family to take her in and spend a month trying to live below the Mexican poverty line eating ants, brushing her teeth in her own urine, etc just to ram home the shocking existence these happy-go-lucky folk face each day.

I think it is good that I have been moved in this way to commission programmes as a result of my week away. No different to the period when Jane Root (bless her soccer mom status now!) wanted loads of shows about home improvement because she and her hubby were doing up their house.

At least My programmes have a much bigger and altogether higher social purpose!

My food poisoning hell

2007-09-13T03:28:00.000+01:00

Maria and her younger sister Tozi (who also works at the hotel as a chambermaid) have been at my side all evening. I have been unable to leave the confines of my bathroom. I have never, ever felt as rough as this before.

It all started at lunchtime. I had my favourite queso añejo and jalapeno enchilada with a glass of iced cherry cola at the poolside bar and 20 minutes later I was doubled up, bent over the side of the swimming pool.

(I am told by the hotel management that it took them 4 hours to clean and re-chlorinate the water afterwards.)

The next thing I knew I was in my room, on my knees, dizzy and totally out of it.

I still feel spaced out and light-headed. Think I'm having crazy dreams. Can't be certain but I think Maria has been asking me for "Two hundred American dollars please boss" for the past half an hour.

I cannot even focus. I think I've lost my glasses.

Squinting, is that Tozi I can see rummaging through my expensive leather wallet?

I am not feeling good at all. My t-shirt is still sick-stained. The smell is unbelievable.

Oh Christ, please, when will this hell come to an end??

Guess who's checked in??

2007-09-12T02:05:00.000+01:00

Relaxing at breakfast and who should I see sauntering through the lobby in terrible 1980s dayglow yellow swimming trunks?

Dave fucking laughing boy Liddiment!

What the hell is he doing in such an impossibly trendy Hip Hotel destination as this??

I hid behind my copy of the New Yorker, and hoped to hell he didn't see me...

My sexy waitress Maria

2007-09-11T01:31:00.000+01:00

This is a picture of Maria - one of the waitresses who works in my hotel - taken on my shithot postage stamp size 3G Sony Ericsson K950i.

She has been taking good care of me ever since I arrived and speaks perfect English. This morning as I was sat by the pool she noticed that I was reading some hardcore literature and whispered in my ear (as she poured me a glass of ice-cold cherry cola with such poise and elegance) "What are you doing later?".

Fuck.

I froze. This kind of thing has never happened to me before. I pretended not to have heard her, and tried to carry on with my Proust.

"If you wish, you may meet me later by the tennis courts. 3pm."

I looked up, threw her a faint smile and burrowed my head back in my book, before realising I had a sudden urge to take a long, ice-cold dip in the pool.

She's way out of my league

My new best friend Dave

2007-09-10T02:26:00.000+01:00

Meet 'Sombrero Dave' (as I've nicknamed him), an American investment banker from Massachusetts. He has lots of spare cash and wants to invest in British 'New Media'.

[He was involved in NBC's $350million deal to buy Sparrowhawk Media!!]

I have hooked him up with Hincksy's email address.

'Sombrero Dave' is quite a character and oozes charm (especially when the ladies are around). He was particularly impressed by the kind of annual budget I have to play around with and has been sharing his observations on media with me over late-night Grand Margaritas (although obviously I've been sticking to cherry colas).

It is so fresh to hear ideas from people who don't work in television - and who are successful in their own right in their own country.

Don't tell anyone, but when I grow up, I'd quite like to be like Sombrero Dave.

My beach

2007-09-08T15:01:00.000+01:00

Whilst dozing on My Beach this afternoon, I started thinking about who I want to host my exciting, fresh, spunky, spiky Friday night entertainment show.

So excited... I remember the glory days of Yoof Entertainment in the early 90s (when I was revising for my GCSEs) and my chums used to rush into school on a Monday morning gushing about The Word!

Here's my top 10 so far:

1. Fearne Cotton
2. Stephen Gately (the schedulers have told me we need a gay presence - according to the focus groups there are lots of young under-18 Pink Viewers who stay in on a Friday night to avoid getting beaten up in their provincial home towns)
3. Reggie Yates or someone else black from So Solid Crew
4. Dawn Porter (to do the obligatory OBs as a roving reporter)
5. Konnie Huq (her agent tells me she wants to 'go more adult')
6. Dave Brown from The Mighty Boosh
7. Kelly Osbourne (yo-yo dieters are 'in' right now)
8. Jamie T (he could rap the theme tune live each week)
9. Miss Dynamite
10. The girl who plays Stacey in Gavin and Stacey
11. And not forgetting Lauren Laverne - of course! (she ticks all the regional phwoar factor boxes)

That is some itchy as fuck line-up, even by my standards! And it certainly reflects the geological make-up of young faces My Channel works really hard to represent.

Or.....thinking totally outside of the box I could be REALLY bold and hire two nobodys who aren't yet famous.

Perhaps make it the first X-Factor-style Find A Face For The Youth Channel event with live auditions and SMS text voting?

Wow!!

I love the freedom I have to do proper blue-sky thinking now I'm away from my desk (seeing a proper blue sky helps a lot too).

My bedroom

2007-09-07T10:55:00.000+01:00

Hola! This is my room in Mexico. Very fucking cool. Daisy G's hotel recommendation is totally spot on (as always). I feel right at home here. And inspired too.

F*ck the Planet

2007-09-06T12:03:00.000+01:00

TO: Peter.Barron@Corporation.co.uk
FROM:TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
BCC: Mark Thompson
DATE: Thu, 6 Sep 2007 11:34:31 +0100
SUBJECT: Planet Relief furore

Peter, absolutely the right line to take. Well done. If Gordon Brown cannot save the planet then how on earth are we supposed to? Chat more about spiky current affairs for Da Kids when I get back.
Warm Regards,
TVC
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

TO: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
FROM:TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Thu, 6 Sep 2007 11:38:11 +0100
SUBJECT: Hole in the schedule

FYI - I've consulted with the Board of Young Public Trust and the data indicates that My Viewers are looking for more environment based programming (sensitively handled - of course!) Can I talk to you about this ASAP when I get back from my holiday?
TVC
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

TO: Hincksy@Endemol.co.uk
FROM:TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Thu, 6 Sep 2007 11:41:14 +0100
SUBJECT: Weather Porn

Hincksy,
On the plane writing last minute emails from row 32 of my fuel spewing Jumbo Jet. Can you get your lackies to work up Weather Porn Night for me A.S.A-fucking-P? Let's stick 2 fingers up to the global warming deniers and show the fuckers what a hurricane can really do!
I'll be back in a week,
TVC
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

TO: personalassistant01@Corporation.co.uk
FROM:TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Thu, 6 Sep 2007 11:44:20 +0100
SUBJECT: Delay

Anthony,
Why the fuck hasn't the plane taken off yet? We're 10 minutes late. Get BA Customer services on the phone NOW! I want free air miles credited to me. Sort it.
Oh, and 'World Traveller' is actually fucking Economy you prick.
TVC
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Fifi tells me to take a holiday

2007-09-05T10:53:00.000+01:00

I'm not a happy bunny today.

Fifi called me into her study first thing and suggested that having taken Edinburgh by storm I should pencil a few weeks break in full preparation for the Autumn push.

She said that I was the only top-level executive on the 6th floor not to have taken full advantage of the handsome 45 days annual leave package, and that I would really benefit from "a recharge somewhere hot"

I hate holidays.

I haven't taken a proper holiday for years. Not because I haven't had the time, but because I don't actually like them. I can't stand being away from my work. I hate being out of the loop, not privy to what's going on with MY PROGRAMMES on MY CHANNELS.

And I get very, very bored if I'm not dealing with critical broadcasting issues.

Must say that my initial reaction was one of total suspicion. Why all of a sudden does she want to bustle me out of the building, just as I am getting totally stuck into the job?? Was I not meshing properly with the ecology of the Corporation corporate dynamic?

To make matters even worse I have NO IDEA where is hot and funky right now (Fifi wants me on a plane out of Heathrow by noon tomorrow).

Luckily Daisy G texted me to say that Playa del Carmen in Mexico was the place to go, and suggested a hot hotel that Wallpaper* covered last month. I must say it looks very funky, urban, yet by the sea...

Exactly the kind of place that someone like me should be seen holidaying in.

Why I hate small indies

2007-09-04T09:26:00.000+01:00

Everywhere I went last week at Edinburgh I seemed to be dogged by earnest and naive 'regional' indies bosses.

Final straw today: being pitched (via email) an observational series looking at "...the tough times the Riverboat Authority has in keeping sober the thousands of canal-boat tourists that flood(!) to the West Midlands each summer..." by some fucking jumped-up lackies in Birmingham.

Contacted IT to try and block emails from outside the M25 (Surely this is a simple thing to do??).

Goodbye Moonbeam Films, Whizzkid Entertainment, Framework Television and PhartMedia.

Wake up kids, you are NEVER going to get on to My Channel. Ever.

I'm being cruel to be kind.

Because there is no fucking point to you. Not only do you waste MY time with your half-baked, poxy, regional ideas, you're really wasting your own time (and money I would have thought).

Don't get me wrong. I am always ready to listen to people like Mentorn Oxford, or RDF West. They have a track record. And a reputation. But some young unheard-of 'yocal' upstarts from the provinces?! Come on. I have a successful channel to run.

Try the fucking Community Channel, Teachers TV or failing that the highly annoying little twerp at ITV2.

Buzzspotting

2007-09-03T09:12:00.000+01:00

Karl Warner beware!

I am going to start a brand new focus group with a difference - none of them will be familiar with UK television. In fact, none of them will have ever have watched the Youth Channel before.

Tina has promised me that for a bargain sum (under £55k) I can have my pick of her 'Buzzspotting' team who will fly across the Atlantic to "start gathering bluesky intelligence on the British youth scene" for me.

(for an extra insurance premium of £10k The Buzzspotters will even spend a few days hanging out in Camden)

Can you imagine the valuable data we will get from a bunch of sixteen year-old Americans who've never seen Sex...with Mum & Dad or Freaky Eaters before?

Who are not familiar with our love of social-realism and gritty northern cop dramas? Or the edgy comedy (Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps) and breaking new subversive talent like Live! Girls! Present Dogtown which prove us Brits are still way ahead when it comes to creating much-loved and long-running comedy institutions.

Who know who "that Simon Cowell guy" is (but have never heard of Simon Mayo).

Tina has promised me a '10 Point Plan to Target the Youth' which I can easily translate into several must-see itchy as fuck entertainment formats.

I will be the envy of everyone in the Corporation!!

(And maybe Andrea Wong might even start returning my calls...)

What is the point of MGEITF??

2007-08-30T09:13:00.000+01:00

Shocked by this article in today's Broadcast magazine...

Doesn't this anonymous tit realise he'll never work in TV again if he carries on at this rate?

"Last Bank holiday weekend the most powerful people in British Broadcasting assembled in Edinburgh for their annual TV Festival, to sleep with each other, take drugs and participate in backslapping pastiches of well known TV programmes like Jim'll Fix It and Top Gear.

Why they needed to travel all the way to Edinburgh to do this is unclear.

In the most prescient festival of recent years, with scandal rocking the industry, MGEITF’s woeful inadequacies were fatefully exposed. Here was an ideal chance for us all to pick over the carcass of TV and face some uncomfortable home truths. Or at least be grilled by a tenacious audience – not a bunch of sycophantic producers too paranoid to open their mouths in case it jeopardises their next commission.

Despite Peter Barron’s best efforts to inject more journalistic purpose to proceedings (eg. News 24 studio) the festival remains lightweight, inadequate and representing all that is bad about the industry - nepotistic, socially and culturally homogeneous, blisteringly arrogant, and full of wankers.

Edinburgh TV Festival is sold as THE place to mix. Where an ambitious assistant producer can perhaps get some face time with a Commissioning Editor. Or a passionate researcher can actually tell the BBC2 controller what they'd like to see on their channel. But who are they really supposed to network when all the important people are secure over at fortress Soho House, far from the shop-floor?

Let’s cut the pretence and admit what the festival is really for: An opportunity for social climbers to self promote, ambitious freelancers to line up their next job opportunity and independent chiefs to cement relationships with their channel clients.

Why not just call it a Trade Show and be done with it?

The Guardian sponsored event feels like a very closed shop indeed, run by a a quasi-Bilderberg Group.

Here's how it works: An Executive Committee 'appoint' one of their own each year to head up the festival, session ideas are thrown around in clandestine monthly meetings by an 'advisory committee' who are made up of all the same predictable people peddling the same viewpoints, the sessions are then filled with available TV whores who agree to be involved in return for free festival passes.

So what happened this year? Were any awkward questions asked at the meticulously controlled ‘Sessions’ and ‘Masterclasses’?

Did ITV Director of Programmes Simon Shaps (resplendent in a Gary Davis medallion-man look) have to sit on a stage with Paul Watson, the (perhaps unwittingly) original architect of 'reality' television - and face an uncomfortable grilling about what really went on behind-the-scenes on Malcolm and Barbara?

Did Stephen Lambert and Martin Davidson explain exactly how THAT trailer was allowed to be used to flog A Year with the Queen all over the world?

Was Jana Bennett grilled over the inherent structural flaws of the BBC’s commissioning process?

Did Channel 4’s Hamish Mykura/ Ralph Lee or Jane Root face analysis over how Bear Grylls was allowed to fake an entire factual TV series?

Was David Frank called to defend how his brand of ‘formatted factual’ had mutated into an uncontrollable monster?

Did Michael Grade have to face the anger of young (and experienced) producers who he ignorantly blamed for TV’s current problems?

Of course not.

No-one was brave enough to stick their head above the parapet.

Except perhaps Martin Durkin from WagTV.

In a session curiously titled 'Fuck Off I'm a TV God' his was the only lone voice that dared to challenge Daisy Goodwin's preposterous claim that Grand Designs (made by privileged people for other privileged people) somehow had some higher social purpose.

Sadly, however, everyone glossed over the fact that Daisy had recently met with David Cameron's Tory Party to gain backing for a new Channel 4 traffic congestion social experiment, thereby being complicit in promoting another political agenda wrapped up as 'factual entertainment'. Why do producers of low-rent factual features suddenly have a god-complex to rival the cockiest of documentary big hitters??

A session which promised to uncover 'the guts and innards of the commissioning process' was an excuse for filmmaker Lee Kern to make a name for himself as a Louis Theroux replacement. Real insight? He wouldn’t dare.

The McTaggart was entertaining but if Paxman wants to be our moral conscience then he should start with what he does best and invite Jana Bennett on Newsnight, armed with a copy of the BBC’s budget for last financial year.

Instead of hoarding 2000 telly-types up to Edinburgh to live in a bubble for three days, perhaps we should look at News International (yes, I'm serious) and what they do with the senior editorial staff at The Sun. Bus them to Butlins at Weston Super-Mare for a long weekend to mingle with their readers.

Me? I spent my Saturday in a Fringe Festival tent until the early hours getting drunk and talking to a kid from Dundee about TV fakery.

It was the first real person I had the pleasure of meeting all weekend."

WOW!! Who is this person?? My phone rang off the hook with speculation about the author's true identity. I have my own suspicions..... step forward Andrew Newman.

(PS. Annoyed that my session or T-shirts never get a mention. Does Herring bother to do ANY press work on my media brand these days?!)

The Youth Channel +1

2007-08-29T14:38:00.000+01:00

Sigh. Back to the media scrum this morning. Rocked up to the 6th floor to find Anthony had moved some of my office plants. Not best pleased.

My head really fucking aches. I knew I shouldn't have had that half a can of Stella on the train back to London...

Also faced with 18 Level One proposals waiting for my perusal, 12 memos from the interactive department proposing a "re-skin" of the website, and 287 emails in my inbox needing an urgent reply.

Double fucking Sigh.

Staring through the glass I could see Fifi strolling past arm-in-arm with Elaine looking very refreshed and pleased with themselves.

Locked the door and hid away to mull over my strategy for the next few months:

1) Rebrand the Youth Channel stings at great public expense (I'm sick of those claymation things anyway, aren't you?)
2) Start laying the foundations for a healthy, vibrant, shouty Youth Channel through spunky drama and entertaining factuality.
3) Launch The Youth Channel+1, my very own timeshift service allowing viewers to catchup on missed episodes of my important forthcoming commissions: Anthea Turner: Perfect Lay (sex advice series with a twist) and Life on Mars: Back on Earth (behind-the-scenes obs-umentary).

I simply must put this strategy in motion ASA-fucking-P if I am to successfully compete with my main rivals (ITV2, E4, Living) on more of a level digital footing.

Have decided to make a very public plea to Thommo at the Corporation's Controller Summit, happening next month in a spa hotel somewhere in Oxfordshire.

It's time he saw what I'm capable of.....!!!

My Edinburgh networking night of hell

2007-08-26T13:31:00.000+01:00

Late last night, in The George, a very drunken Jonathan Stadlen (from Remy's new company) tried to bear hug me (in full view of everyone), slurring "If it wasn't for you TVC, we would still have Celebrity Big Brother to endure next year. Thanks!"

Thankfully I'm not sure anyone else heard him. Silly idiot might find he struggles to sell me any ideas over the next few months...

Got cornered by that cloying Sarfraz bloke trying to flog me a Bruce Springsteen biopic - again. Then ambushed by some TVYP 18 year-olds who insisted on quoting their favourite Little Britain catchphrases at me before demanding my business card.

Daisy G introduced me to her daughter (!?) and suddenly I felt very fucking old indeed. Thankfully, she didn't stay long, dragging the startled poor child away to some Warhol art shindig.

Running around like a bunch of girls on a hen weekend, high on alcopops, was Lisa Opie (in full Dynasty makeup) and her pathetic little gang (Leach, Barnes, Johnson). Now I know why Hincksy has dubbed them 'The Bitches of Eastwick'.

I was annoyed to see Bedell leave for Soho House without fucking inviting me (not that I would want to spend my evening with her anyway). At 1am I couldn't get a taxi for love nor money and ended up having to share a rickshaw with Ben fucking Gale, snuggling up together under a blanket.

How embarrassing.

Soho House was in full debauched merriment when we arrived. The great and the good in various stages of schmooze: Andrew O'Connor trying desperately to chat up a bored looking Camilla Lewis. Holly Pye in a revolting dress that advertised her cleavage like a slab of sirloin. Roly yawning and checking his watch every 5 minutes.

In a far corner Lygo was in deep conversation with notorious agent Perry Mansell so I tried to manoeuvre my way over to earwig.....only to be suddenly confronted by a crazy-eyed drunk curly-haired Scottish man. In a kilt. It was Hamish from IWC. He prodded me in the chest - "what's yer fecking problem I hear with scotteesh independents, eh laddie?"

I shrugged past him but he still made sure to shoulder barge me! (It fucking hurt!!)

Muriel Gray tugged his sleeve: "Leave it love, he's not worth it"

Jesus. What had I done to piss off the Mad Scotsman?? He's worse than fucking Cosgrove after a few pints!

Paranoid that things would deteriorate I stayed just another 10 minutes and slipped away.

On the way out Clive Anderson - swaying unsteadily on his feet - brushed past and spilled his red wine on my sleeve jacket. Instead of apologising he muttered "clumsy cunt" or something under his breath!!

Why is there so much needless testosterone in TV at the moment??

Glory!!

2007-08-25T20:20:00.000+01:00

The Meet Me session was a total triumph. In a nutshell: Distinctive, clarity, purpose, evolution.

Tonally I'm v pleased with the mixed flavour ecology of it all - and I even managed a bit of flirting with Kathryn too- result! (Now I know my shows will get an easy ride from her for the next 6 months or so).

I come off the stage buzzing, pumped up and feeling energised - is this what taking drugs must feel like??

Elaine Bedell rushed up to air kiss me afterwards and said it was "quite possibly the best session of the festival so far".

But then things starting going badly wrong.

Two young college kids were standing outside the EICC with my brand new Itchy T-shirts struggling in vain to give them away to the cynical punters. All this hard work and for nothing?! I saw Richard Woolfe walk past and sneer.

[What the fuck am I supposed to do with the T-shirts now?? I texted Herring who responded "sorry, not my problem". There are currently 786 T-shirts piled up in boxes in the corner of my room.]

My "itchy" T-Shirts

2007-08-25T11:02:00.000+01:00

Where the fuck is Alex Zane?? I turned up at The Malmaison at 7:45am and he never showed. The skinny arsed little punk is now permanently blacklisted from My Channel - no-one fucking treats me like that and gets away with it.

Not a great start to my important day. To make matters worse, I'm really unsure about this weird fucking T-shirt idea Herring has concocted.

He says I need a cutting edge viral marketing campaign to help raise the profile of my session appearance this afternoon, to "harness the potential" of the event and "seed" my 'itchy' channel message in the media subconscious.

(I barely understand 1 word in 10 when he's in full flow like this...)

"T-shirts attract eyeballs. Eyeballs attract viewers. And, presto! You're front agenda material"

As I write, a shipment of 1,000 'ironic streetwear' t-shirts are winging their way across Edinburgh to the conference centre.

Still haven't seen them yet... and starting to get very fucking nervous.

Herring even wants Kathryn to wear one in my session as she's quizzing me about the Youth Channel's shouty forthcoming Autumn schedule.

Let's hope The Dark Lord knows what he's fucking doing...

Fashion victims

2007-08-24T19:37:00.000+01:00

Jesus wept, am I the only man alive in British Broadcasting that has a grasp of what is trendy and fashionable nowadays?

The delegates this year all look like the end result of an Oxfam closing down sale in Notting Hill.

Jane Root (in flat black strappy leather 'sneakers' and shapeless jeans) seems to have gone native with a Soccer Mum style, whilst Andrew Newman has decided that looking like a Butlins redcoat transported to 1950s Tennessee is 'in' this year.

Has everyone gone fucking mad?! Even The Smurf has ditched his trademark pinstripes and adopted The Impoverished Regional Indie disguise for the weekend.

Luckily, thanks to the ever-lovely Head Girl's last minute sartorial advice, I am dressed for understated impact in a dark blue blazer from Peter Jones and matching jeans.

I'd like to think that I look effortlessly shambolic and suitably 'down' with the delegates in a way that others are trying to emulate- but failing miserably.

And what the fuck is going on with Barron and his Martin Bell inspired attire? I almost thought he was a linecourt official from Wimbledon who had accidentally stumbled into the auditorium.

Have instructed the hotel to press my Paul Smith suit for tomorrow to be ready for a super busy day at the media coalface.

PS. During the MacTaggart James Herring texted to say "be wary of Maggie Brown- she's got an hidden agenda this weekend".

Phew, it's good to know The Dark Lord is on my side.

Stuck on a train with Dave Gravy

2007-08-24T11:23:00.000+01:00

Huge cock-up with my train reservation to Edinburgh.

Instead of 1st class forward facing my idiot gay PA Anthony has only gone and accidentally booked me a 4-seat (with table) in cattle class...

As a result I have a very gormless, unattractive American couple in their 40s sitting opposite me, gawping at everything I do. Very unnerving. Strewn across the table is enough M&S snack food for them to survive a cold harsh winter in Belgrade.

When I whip out the Blackberry to fire off a few emails, they exchange looks as if I'd just pulled out my Little Piranha and started waving it around.

To make matters even worse, I'm sure the nauseating Dave Gravy is sitting in the next row in front of me. I can hear his grating scouse accent on the phone banging on to some lackie about "wanting more emotion from the daughter" and needing to "push fucking hard for her big breakdown moment this weekend".

I'm flabbergasted that Gravy is still up to his old tricks. Has this man not seen Channel 4's new Trust Guidelines?

To make sure The Lazy Cunt doesn't see me (and God forbid start up a conversation) I have slunk down in my seat as far as I can without slipping off.

But it's too late.

"Hi TVC! Didn't see you there! I'm going to the bar, do you fancy sharing a couple of tins of Tennants?"

I give a polite shake of the head, and flash a weak smile.

Christ. How many more hours till we get to this 'Scotland' place, please???

MGEITF Itinerary

2007-08-23T13:57:00.000+01:00

V excited about my Edinburgh trip and looking forward to rocking up at the Conference Centre with my new Corporation posse. Yeah!

Anthony has sent through an itinerary for my weekend away. A little bit furious about the travel arrangements, but Anthony tells me that only "Thommo, Byfield, Paxman and Fifi are being flown up this year, and that the rest of you must take the train to do our bit for carbon offsetting" [whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean].

Anyway:

FRIDAY
08.00 - Depart Kings Cross (GNER First-Class + full English breakfast on board. Don't worry, you can have Kosher- I have checked)
13:00 - Arrive and check in @ The Witchery (Ref: 6e74f01. You're booked into the Guardroom)
15:00 - Late lunch with Sharon Horgan @ David Bann (best vegetarian in town!)
20:30 - Post McTaggart dinner with Barron, Fifi, Paxman et al
22:00 - Free time

SATURDAY
08:00 - Breakfast with Alex Zane @ The Malmaison re: his spunky format ideas for The Kids (Remember to listen to XFM podcast on iPod beforehand. Call Alex to confirm 07828 456899)
10:00 - Controller Session prep time @ hotel (Herring will call to give final pointers on how to manage the Q&As)
12:00 - Early lunch with Hincksy (Venue TBC) re: squash weekend in November
13:45 - Meet Kathryn Flett & Neale Simpson in the 'Blue Room 3' upstairs (ask any steward where this is)
14:00 - Controller Interview (Remember to take Coldplay music to play before you go on stage)
19:00 - Dinner with Abi Titmuss @ Martin Wishart to discuss Naughty Nurses: A Mischief Special and Being John Leslie's C**t
21:00 - Soho House party (then possibly meet Lauren Laverne 11.30pmish in Pond. She will call you to confirm)

SUNDAY
07.45 - check-out of hotel (not forgetting to sign the hotel guestbook!)
08:00 - Breakfast with Lauren Hennessy at The Caledonian re: Vernon Kay travel show idea
09.00 - 2nd Breakfast with James Herring @ The Scotsman
10:00 - 14:00 Free Time
15.20 - depart Edinburgh Waverley, arrive Kings Cross 21.48 (sorry, no first-class left, and engineering works mean you have to change at Peterborough, then get a bus to Hatfield and wait until 21.20 to get fast train into London. But at least you'll be doing your bit for the environment, and I'm proud of you for that!)

[REMEMBER: Take full credit for the success of Last Man Standing and HAVE FUN! Anthony x]

Final reminder to Kathryn Flett

2007-08-22T18:49:00.000+01:00

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Flett, Kathryn; Simpson, Neale
CC: personalassistant@Corporation.co.uk

Dear Kathryn and Neal,

Looking forward to our session on Saturday. Can I just reiterate some of the things we've been talking about? Feel free to call if there's anything you'd like to query.

Warm regards
TVC

PS. When can you send me the approved names of front row audience members?

BANNED LIST
1) Big Brother (or any sort of debate about the merits of "reality TV")
2) Race-related subjects (eg. Trevor Philips initiatives or internal diversity schemes etc)
3) Sex...with Mum & Dad, Help! My Dog's as Fat as Me, Touch me, I'm Karen Taylor, Conning the Conmen, or F**ck Off I'm a Hairy Woman (all misunderstood programmes which would take far too long to discuss properly)
4) Viewer trust (I am happy to talk in general terms about the challenging times we face but due to the ongoing internal investigations you will have to understand that I cannot give conclusive yes or no answers about anything)
5) The state of my relationship with Fifi and Kleiny (as reported in Ariel)

APPROVED LIST
1) My first 100 Days in office - the highs and lows
2) 'Itchy Reality' and 'Factlite' (how I originated the concepts and what the take up has been like)
3) The Young Board of Public Trust initiative - and why we need to engage with viewers in an unconventional way
4) Autumn schedule lineup (esp. noisy new comedy) and my holistic 360 degree Channel strategy
5) Anything to do with Lilly Allen and how well she fits tonally with my Bebo demographic

Lonely at the Top

2007-08-22T09:20:00.000+01:00

Many, many years ago when I was just starting out on the road to becoming a creative maverick, my old mentor Goldberg told me: "It's surprisingly lonely when you reach the top, so don't be in any rush to get there, my boy."

Of course I scoffed at the time, but as the recent months have gone by I know EXACTLY what he meant.

Opening my inbox is like unleashing a shitstorm of personal doubt and worry (I notice last night that Fifi personally emailed Kleiny at 11:23pm to congratulate him on Tribe calling it "the best factual series currently on the Corporation").

It would be reassuring, just sometimes, to be emailed by Fifi in this way.....

(sigh)

Or for Execs and P/Ds to email and say how much they enjoyed and benefited from working for me.

It would be even more satisfying, on occasion, for my contemporaries [like fucking Higson, for example] to just admit ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE that my shows consistently deliver noisy appointment-to-view itchy as fuck grenades that punch through the schedule!!

In my melancholic state, I called Peeptoe Jo into my office:

"I need you to massage my feet Jo. It's been one of those mornings."

She gave me dagger stares, made me kick off my polished brown brogues and got to work, very reluctantly.

Meanwhile I leaned back in my leather chair and focused my eyes up on my chaotic Thought Map, thinking dreamily 'Why oh why did I use use so much red pen???'

Edinburgh here I come!

2007-08-21T10:10:00.000+01:00

Some nobody from the Edinburgh TV Festival has had the bloody cheek to email and invite me to appear on a last minute session called 'Racism House: Inside Big Brother's Big Problem'.

Told them in no uncertain terms that 'I would consider it'.

I have already formulated a 'holistic' channel vision powerpoint that I am v v excited about presenting at my Edinburgh Meet the Controller session on Saturday.

There are some brand new buzz words I cannot wait to unleash on the Broadcasting world:

Canapé factual. As in our viewers do not want to feel bloated after a night's viewing so thus, we should offer them more choice in bite-sized morsels.

Vapour. As in the channel brand should feel 'cool' but also mysterious, hard to pin down and identify - like a vapour mist.

Indigestible. As in 'fuck me did you see the latest episode of Rob Brydon's Anally Retentive? It was chewy and indigestible.'

[The Youth Channel definitely needs more vapour-tainment if we're going to fight off The Wolfster and his mob at Sky One]

Steven Seagal Night

2007-08-20T11:00:00.000+01:00

I just had to sit through a two hour yawnfest with Youth Channel scheduler Dan McGolpin trying to flog me a Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Weekend.

All the episodes in one sitcom gorging, schedule busting, comedyfest.

(I knew the success of Neighbours Weekend was going to come back and bite me in the moobs.)

We can no longer "do things by halves" he told me. "Crisps Weekend is solid 'Event TV'" that will "guarantee to breakthrough the 0.5m ceiling"

"Point 5 million!! Are you fucking joking me?!" I said in a high pitched girly voice.

He frowned, "That's the slot average for something as ambitious as this"

I swivelled around in my leather chair to face him.

"Fuck me. We could just run a Seagal film and get half that. Just run TWO Seagal films back to back and we'd have the ratings with none of the hassle. Call it Steven Seagal Night"

He sat back looking a bit stunned. My superior logic had won through. With all due respect Danny boy, I might know a thing or two about what editorial content works for My fucking Channel!!

Master of the Dark Arts - my arse! Now run along and go play with your abacus or something.

Teen Guru

2007-08-17T10:30:00.000+01:00

Nearly came to blows with a smug Elaine Bedell in the Corporation canteen yesterday.

She was snarling like a wildebeest on heat.

I stood my ground, glaring at her - Anthony even had to hold me back!! (When I asked him to, that is).

What's made me so upset? She's only gone and hired a Teen Guru without even consulting me!!!

I run the fucking Youth Channel!

I've got my finger on the PSPing generation!!

I know what they eat (Kentucky Fried Chicken), I know what they listen to (Dizzee Rascal), I know what they like wearing (dayglo retro t-shirts) and I know all about their problems (TxTing RSI thumb, bingedrinking, daisychaining etc).

But no, she's only gone and hired a real twentysomething Kid from Will McDonald's bizarre outfit who probably still goes clubbing, shops in Size? and engages in enviable pre-marital sex with girls who like watching T4 on a Sunday morning.

This Kid might be the Young Pretender but I'm the wise gunslinger around these parts!

And I'll have no hesitation in putting a .40 calibre bullet between his spotty little eyes if he DARES to undermine me!!

On the sly, I had Anthony get in touch with Tina Wells, youth culture’s ‘It’ social anthropologist, as recommended by Daisy G.

I need to arm myself with some youth lingo and street speak A.S.A-fucking-P!!!

I hastily went online and bought myself a pair of new trainers.

Rocking up to work on Monday in Adidas Adicolor Superstar II G5 Camo Material trainers is going to send all the right messages to any jumped up little cunts in the building who have one eye on my youth crown.

I will not be toppled without bloodshed!!

Happy Birthday Channel 4

2007-08-16T09:51:00.000+01:00

I see that Mentorn are making a 25 Year anniversary film about Channel 4 - "a witty, fast-paced and at times unorthodox journey through one of the most interesting periods in British broadcasting and contemporary history"

It's going to be an irreverent celebration of the highs - and occasional lows - of Channel 4's 25-year output and how it transformed the broadcasting landscape.

How exciting!

This is my chance to set the record straight. Re-enforce my legacy at the Channel, and explain to everyone how important a piece of work The Games was in the bigger scheme of things.

I've always fancied myself as a bit of a pundit!

I had Anthony call up one of their lackies - Jenny Borthwick - and instructed her that potentially I would be available for interview from August 20th to October 6th (but not Edinburgh bank holiday weekend).

Can't wait.......what should I wear for my big TV debut??

Fuck Bear Grylls...I want this guy

2007-08-15T13:22:00.000+01:00

I have found the new saviour of TV fakery.

Step forward David George.

Yes, that's right. Mr average, dull, boring suburban name. And a backward farmer by trade.

Yet this man is incredible. Seven (SEVEN??!!) whole days up a tree to avoid being munched to death by a bunch of man-eating evil crocs! Wow.

What I like about this guy is that he's for fucking real. Real death-defying bravery and balls.

None of that Edward Bear Grylls fake-SAS-background bollocks. I'll NEVER let Diverse TV make anything for me again after yet another expose (smoke machines to simulate volcanic fumes?! Jesus. Whatever next? Location Location Location admits phonecalls to estate agents were faked by Kirsty and Phil?)

I am having Georgie Boy fly over to London on a Qantas business class ticket A-S-A-fucking-P (Christ, the poor man could certainly do with some luxury after what he's just been through) so we can sit down and brainstorm some ideas together.

I am thinking of making history by being the first channel to shoot a survival-in-the-wilderness documentary entirely using the very latest mobile phone technology with NO editing (so we can be completely immune from bear costumes, fake raft building and four-star hotel stopovers).

Bring it on!!

PS. Is it cold today or is it just my new pubic topiary??

The Ben Silverman

2007-08-14T15:51:00.000+01:00

Nervous. Following Lauren Hennessey's advice, tonight I'm going to try out The Ben Silverman.

I have the Phillips beaver shaver...

I have the hand-held mirror...

I have the soothing Body Shop cocoa butter...

I might drink a quick half of expensive exported larger to build up the courage beforehand. Then onwards to Hollywood domination!!

24 hours with a twat

2007-08-14T08:41:00.000+01:00

Some jumped up posh little runt has instructed his agent (his agent?!) to get in touch with me about a new "concept (hyper)reality entertainment stunt" series.

Who the fuck is this guy???

Well whoever he is, it would appear that he's strutting around thinking he's fucking Eisenstein now, claiming that [according to his agent] he's "reinvented" the chat show. Now he wants to try out something "even more epic".

Not on MY Channel you don't.

Got Hincksy on the phone who laughed and said this Jamie character had got "a good shit-dunking after that smug piss-poor Nick Broomfield rip-off he did for Newsnight".

[Now I remember. This must have been during Peter Barron's Trendy Filmmaker Phase 2004-2006 when "Jamie" was partnered up with some other annoying geek fruitcheese chasing Gary Glitter around fucking Cambodia or somewhere]

Anthony plugged into his source at ITV Network Centre (Ali Sharman's gorgeous new PA!) and she reckons the Express have got David Gest admitting that he only spent 3 hours with Campbell instead of the full 24 his recent series claimed.

I think I'll have Ben Gale deal with this one.

I don't meet with small fish anymore.

Frankly I don't have the time, nor the inclination, to entertain him... and his overinflated sense of self importance.

More 'F**ck Off' films, please

2007-08-13T14:28:00.000+01:00

Just been told by Dan, my Nazi senior scheduler, that we need to re-commission another round of "F**k Offs" ("Even though the titles got under the noses of the Trust, our research shows the C1s still lap them up")

Christ. Please no. Here is me trying to shift the Youth Channel up a gear, and here they are, television's true Dark Masters commanding me to repeat Julian's dirty tabloid factual past (you can tell he was never a 'Head of Documentaries').

I sighed and waltzed back to my office. I found McDonald on his phone texting (during work hours no less) so obviously got him something very important to do instead: "Oi slack arse. I need another 10 or so F**k off titles within the next hour."

McDonald moaned back: "But boss? I thought we'd ditched all of that crap?"

[How arrogant and downright lippy!]

Peeptoe Jo suddenly appeared out of nowhere and intervened: "I can come up with some new titles, a little more female skewed if that's helpful?"

McDonald looked peeved. This is what I like. Rivalry and competition. I get high on it. It's my only drug of choice. [And the only drug I know].

So I decided to throw both of them a little further: "I don't really care which one of you does it. Just make sure you DO IT." I placed my hands on my hips for further emphasis when I said that last bit (NLP coaching coming to the fore yet again).

Divide and conquer - it's the only way to run a tight fucking team.

Thommo on the war path!!

2007-08-11T11:40:00.000+01:00

Fuck! There goes my weekend in the sun!

Just picked up a red flagged email from Fifi. She said to "drop everything" because Thommo wants me to urgently outline the Youth Channel's 12 month plan to "engage with diverse contemporary historiographical, theoretical, cultural and performance frameworks within the digital landscape."

I have no fucking clue what he's on about....

I don't 'engage' with anything - that's the Yawn Channel's job and Entwhistle's problem. Not mine.

My job is to entertain The Kids. With comedy. And witty contemporary comment on society, like Pissed & Pregnant; wafer thin argument wrapped up nicely in a pseudo-scientific context (with some fit birds drinking Jacob's Creek).

That works well for me.

I mean, really, does Thommo - AKA the Ginger Assassin - want me to write any old crap so he can justify himself to the bleeding Dinosaurs at The Trust??

Grow some bollocks, man!

Called Daisy in a panic: "I think Thommo has plans to kill off My Channel afterall. What do I do?!"

"Calm down sweetheart", she purrs from her Dorset shagpad, "You forget that your channel gave birth to Little Britain and Sex...with Mum & Dad (amongst others). That makes you untouchable. Sit tight and let the storm clouds clear. Got it?!"

God, I love Daisy when she gets all bossy with me!!

A day in the life of a zeitgeisty channel

2007-08-10T12:25:00.000+01:00

I could get tension myositis syndrome replying to all these emails - 143 yesterday, 111 today... Phew!

Here's a quick sample of yet another super duper busy day as a leading creative visionary of Britain's foremost zeitgeisty digital youth channel:

1) Thommo has sent us all an email: "You may have read press speculation recently that the Youth Channel or the Brainy Channel That Nobody Watches may be axed in a radical new cost saving operation. Rest assured that we will be in full consultation with you regarding these hypothetical radical solutions to our miserable budget shortfall. Carry on as normal."

There is no way Thommo would axe The Youth Channel with my 3 year holistic channel strategy in place. Entwhistle better polish up his CV....

2) Seb Scott writes: "Dave Gravy and I have put our heads together, (b)itchy reality is hot right now with Big Brother. Can we interest you in something similar? 1 Yacht. 10 class-A Paris Hilton rich bitches. 1 eligible rich guy. Who's 70. It's Anna Nicole meets The Batchelor, but not..."

I reply tactfully saying,"Interesting Seb but not quite right. Thanks for thinking of me, TVC".

3) Dan at Scheduling and Planning is pushing for a meeting to discuss more Big Events following Neighbours Weekend: "I've got a bloody good scheduling solution for the underperforming Tuesday 8pm slot." Why do schedulers act like they run the fucking place??

4) Daisy: "I'm thinking of buying this bed. What do you reckon?" I replied indifferently, saying "looks v comfy and stylish, but can you really afford it?" [because I fucking can't].

5) Anthony informed me that Hincksy has cancelled squash AGAIN. He's been sulking since Salopes got the chop. Hope he bloody gets over it soon...

6) Roly wants to meet for lunch to discuss our "channel synchronicity"... but what the fuck does he really want??

7) Gary Reich, the bloke responsible for that horrendous Little Miss Jocelyn asks: "Hi! The 10-minute pilot Julian commissioned for 'Wassup Nigga?' is all done and dusted. When can I come in and show it to you?"

[Seriously - does he really think I can get a title like that away, especially in the current climate??? I'm all for being provocative for the sake of it, but Reich...come on man, and wake the fuck up!]

Meeting Noel Edmonds

2007-08-09T17:50:00.000+01:00

V excited.

Gavin Henderson at Endemol West emails:

"TVC, I hear you might be visiting my humble neck of the woods? Our south west office keeps going from strength to strength. Can I interest you perhaps in a little tour of the Deal or No Deal HQ? Noel is dying to meet you? Best, Gavin"

Fifi is adamant I ignore the indies and brief the regional Corporation staff.

But to be honest, given the choice between a slap up meal with Noel, Gavin and some sexy young producers OR a gourmet cheese and pickle sandwich in the Bristol wildlife department's canteen, I know which one I'd rather fucking choose....

I've always wanted to meet Noel. He has serious potential to take over the reins on the Eurovision Song Contest. Wogan's time is up (especially after his latest wage demands) so this is the perfect opportunity for me to make my move.

Imagine rocking up in Fifi's office with Noel signed up! Fincham would shit in a river before he saw this one coming!

Plus, according to Gav, "There are convenient transport links that can get you back to London within 2 hours".

Instructed Anthony to stop sulking and sort out my Tour of the Regions itinerary A.S.A-fucking-P!!!

Boyzone are Back for Good!

2007-08-09T10:35:00.000+01:00

Finally, after years of pitching me weak celebrity drivel Nick Bullen from Spun Gold (previously known as Spun Shite) has come up with the goods. It's an exciting, headline grabbing 10-part series for My Channel that will confound my critics and give me a solid feelgood spine at 9pm.

Boyzone: Back for Good is a revealing access-all-areas camp-umentary following the Boyzone boys reforming and is certain to be a genre defining piece. Nick has promised me all the dressing room fights, the Guinness-fuelled shenanigans, the legendary Ronan-hissy fits - we'll have it all.

I've submitted it to Programme Finance and we should be up and running by the end of the month [Scheduling are also v excited - Boyband Weekend already penciled for mid November!]

This is a prime example of when Nostalgic Factlite works best for me. We'll be tapping into a generation that not only grew up with the Boyzone boys (like me!) and were empowered by them - but who also fantasised about having a threesome with Ronan and Stephen Gately (not like me!).