Got some funny looks today because I was wearing Birkenstocks, jeans and my favourite retro Judas Priest print T-shirt. Everyone naturally assumes I should be suited (given the massive importance of my job) but this is where I like to take a leaf out of Andy D's wardrobe: he's struck a popularity goldmine by slinging on any old shit polo shirt! The man is a satorial management genius. His casual (some say sloppy, but not me) attire gives him instant street cred with the kids.
I need my staff to know that their 'bossman' can also 'hang loose' if he wants to. I might even pick up some things from Topshop on the way home tonight.
To top it all off, I am very pleased to see I now have 147 friends on my TVController myspace page which makes me by far the most important and popular TV bigwig online (a big up-yours to Steve Gowans and his posse... bless them). I even had the rap DJ Tim Westwood leave me a message: ("thanks for reaching out! - appreciate the love - Westwood"). Wow!
This online experience is really helping to develop my understanding of what The Kids want to watch. Take for example my favourite new-found friend who is called Wicked Girl, a very *normal* 26 year old multi-media consumer. Have a look at her here
She lists her favourite shows as: Simpsons, Lost, Eastenders, Big Brother and watching "free satellite TV on my PC through broadband". I'm not quite sure what on earth this means but it sounds very modern. She has a totally different way of consuming media to the rest of us, and even prefers to download free films to her PSP. One of her interests is to "customise her mobile cell phone with wallpapers and ringtones".
I love her. And I've already asked Anthony to invite her to the Corporation to take part in a focus group.
Thursday, 31 May 2007
What was Davina wearing?!
What on earth was Davina wearing? Who's idea was the banshee-rock-whore look? I'm sure Powers couldn't have been the one to suggest it (I was always telling her to keep Davina looking 'classic') so I can only think that Edgar 'Just Got Up' Jones must have lent an unhelpful hand. Fucking eejit.
On principal, I didn't really feel like tuning in to watch BB8. It felt slightly grubby and disloyal... but not in a nice way. Still, I couldn't help myself. I've just watched it back now TWICE on Sky+ and will send my scribbled notes to Hincksy tomorrow (He always said he valued my creative input).
Massive fuck up with the casting. Where was Jesus, the mad albino hispanic hip hop/breakdancer? His sexist views were going to be a real cultural talking point in the house. Where was Bee? She was my favourite: a size double zero nymphet performance artist with a huge fucking great big tattoo of a bee on her face.
Worst of all was that Kevin has shied away from casting both of the Muslim girls Asiya and Faatin (on Endemol's final A-A-A list) who were part of my brave attempt to confront the current religio-political climate, but in easily digestible chunks for a downmarket popular peak audience. Have Channel 4 lost their edge? God, I am so glad I left when I did....
Good to see they carried through my idea for the twins though. However I always saw it as a male/female twin *just* in case we struck lucky after one bottle of Cava too many and it turned into a randy 'Cement Garden'-inspired orgy.
[The less said about the elderly dykes the better. Fucking hell, for one minute I thought I saw my Mum rock into the house. If I had a pound for every 'lipstick lesbo' season I've ever been pitched I would be richer than Simon Shaps. How many times do I have to say this: Dykes Do Not Rate!]
On principal, I didn't really feel like tuning in to watch BB8. It felt slightly grubby and disloyal... but not in a nice way. Still, I couldn't help myself. I've just watched it back now TWICE on Sky+ and will send my scribbled notes to Hincksy tomorrow (He always said he valued my creative input).
Massive fuck up with the casting. Where was Jesus, the mad albino hispanic hip hop/breakdancer? His sexist views were going to be a real cultural talking point in the house. Where was Bee? She was my favourite: a size double zero nymphet performance artist with a huge fucking great big tattoo of a bee on her face.
Worst of all was that Kevin has shied away from casting both of the Muslim girls Asiya and Faatin (on Endemol's final A-A-A list) who were part of my brave attempt to confront the current religio-political climate, but in easily digestible chunks for a downmarket popular peak audience. Have Channel 4 lost their edge? God, I am so glad I left when I did....
Good to see they carried through my idea for the twins though. However I always saw it as a male/female twin *just* in case we struck lucky after one bottle of Cava too many and it turned into a randy 'Cement Garden'-inspired orgy.
[The less said about the elderly dykes the better. Fucking hell, for one minute I thought I saw my Mum rock into the house. If I had a pound for every 'lipstick lesbo' season I've ever been pitched I would be richer than Simon Shaps. How many times do I have to say this: Dykes Do Not Rate!]
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
I am an NLP master
I decided to lead a gentle brainstorm-cum-ideas chat this morning with my development team ostensibly to go through the bank holiday papers - but secretly to put them through their paces.
I had taken the unusual step in asking Anthony to join us. I gave him simple (yet highly confidential) instructions to make notes on how the three lackies responded to me during the meeting. He was ordered to watch out for unusual body language, lingering eye contact, involuntary facial ticks etc.
This might sound a little bizarre, but oh no. On the contrary, it is a mark of how progressive I am when it comes to managing and understanding my teams. You see what my former employers at Horseferry Road don't know about me is that six months back I attended a four-day intensive NLP course in Aberystwyth.
It resulted in me making friends with a very attractive (yet mature) lady called Natalie who works as an NLP master practitioner out of a very plush office in St Johns Wood.
Now there is nothing I don't know about the hidden psychology of pitching!
Natalie believes that measuring the reactions and mood of my staff during my first 'formal' session with them will reveal an awful lot about how they view me, but more to the point how they feel about me. Vital if I'm to have a tight, loyal ship that I can mould to my exacting needs.
During the meeting I picked up on the following:
Natalie has promised to comprehensively analyse Anthony's notes and get back to me ASAP. She's a gem!
I had taken the unusual step in asking Anthony to join us. I gave him simple (yet highly confidential) instructions to make notes on how the three lackies responded to me during the meeting. He was ordered to watch out for unusual body language, lingering eye contact, involuntary facial ticks etc.
This might sound a little bizarre, but oh no. On the contrary, it is a mark of how progressive I am when it comes to managing and understanding my teams. You see what my former employers at Horseferry Road don't know about me is that six months back I attended a four-day intensive NLP course in Aberystwyth.
It resulted in me making friends with a very attractive (yet mature) lady called Natalie who works as an NLP master practitioner out of a very plush office in St Johns Wood.
Now there is nothing I don't know about the hidden psychology of pitching!
Natalie believes that measuring the reactions and mood of my staff during my first 'formal' session with them will reveal an awful lot about how they view me, but more to the point how they feel about me. Vital if I'm to have a tight, loyal ship that I can mould to my exacting needs.
During the meeting I picked up on the following:
1) McDonald and Jo have got a 'thing' for each other
2) Silent Stevie uses a 'visual language' eg. 'I see where you're going with this' when he talks about ideas - which is a good sign.
3) Jo 'swished' Silent Stevie TWICE to assert her authority and distract him from the 'anchor points' he was trying desperately to make about Tre from The Apprentice
4) Anthony is not 100% gay. He possibly has bisexual tendencies judging by the amount of time he spent (along with me) staring at Jo's sexy knee-high boots.
Natalie has promised to comprehensively analyse Anthony's notes and get back to me ASAP. She's a gem!
Do Transexual Biologists rate?
Just got a call from Sam at Betty TV.
She is really keen for me to have lunch with a 26-year-old Cambridge Biology graduate called Tiffany B who has been doing some short pieces for a new MTV show called Burn My Bra (I don't ask).
Sam reckons that Tiffany has enough about her to take on a full show by herself, probably authored. What's fantastic, Sam babbles, is that "Tiff" self funded her way through university by working as a pole dancer (upsetting a lot of dons along the way), and still managed to get the highest First (in both practical and dissertation) that anyone had seen in 13 years.
I'm used to hearing this kind of PR crap constantly (Channel Controllers face a daily deluge of wild and exaggerated claims from desperate folk), but when Sam mentioned that Tiffany was born a man I suddenly perked up and stopped doodling on my Blackberry.
She said I already had her pic so I quickly scrawled through my inbox to find it.
Okay, fair enough. She's no oil painting. But that's not the point. Perhaps there is something in this that goes a lot fucking further than that lazy reality show Brighter Pictures did a few years back.
I tell Sam I'll have a think and get back to her.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I had a raging erection for the rest of the day...
She is really keen for me to have lunch with a 26-year-old Cambridge Biology graduate called Tiffany B who has been doing some short pieces for a new MTV show called Burn My Bra (I don't ask).
Sam reckons that Tiffany has enough about her to take on a full show by herself, probably authored. What's fantastic, Sam babbles, is that "Tiff" self funded her way through university by working as a pole dancer (upsetting a lot of dons along the way), and still managed to get the highest First (in both practical and dissertation) that anyone had seen in 13 years.
I'm used to hearing this kind of PR crap constantly (Channel Controllers face a daily deluge of wild and exaggerated claims from desperate folk), but when Sam mentioned that Tiffany was born a man I suddenly perked up and stopped doodling on my Blackberry.
She said I already had her pic so I quickly scrawled through my inbox to find it.
Okay, fair enough. She's no oil painting. But that's not the point. Perhaps there is something in this that goes a lot fucking further than that lazy reality show Brighter Pictures did a few years back.
I tell Sam I'll have a think and get back to her.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I had a raging erection for the rest of the day...
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Fuck Drama
Fifi emailed tonight to say that she was 'quite happy' with my first commissioning document - about time I got some bloody praise from that woman!
However, she did mention that I had completely failed to talk about Drama, and that Julie Gardner wasn't very happy (who the fuck is she?)
The way I see it, right now Channel 4 are miles ahead when it comes to making itchy drama that connects to My Audience. Skins has really done the fucking business for E4 (I should know that...) so I thought I would concentrate on more pressing areas for the time being. Besides, if you look at my demographic, they don't watch the kind of expensive tripe that comes out of Gardner's department anyway.
To cover my back, I emailed Fifi on the Blackberry saying I would take care of it. But to be honest, I know - and she had better learn quickly - that I FUCKING wear the trousers around here when it comes to My Channel.
Stick that where Eastenders Revealed doesn't fucking shine Fifi!
However, she did mention that I had completely failed to talk about Drama, and that Julie Gardner wasn't very happy (who the fuck is she?)
The way I see it, right now Channel 4 are miles ahead when it comes to making itchy drama that connects to My Audience. Skins has really done the fucking business for E4 (I should know that...) so I thought I would concentrate on more pressing areas for the time being. Besides, if you look at my demographic, they don't watch the kind of expensive tripe that comes out of Gardner's department anyway.
To cover my back, I emailed Fifi on the Blackberry saying I would take care of it. But to be honest, I know - and she had better learn quickly - that I FUCKING wear the trousers around here when it comes to My Channel.
Stick that where Eastenders Revealed doesn't fucking shine Fifi!
My memo causes a stir
My memo has had the desired effect. I can see the buzz spread around the open plan office as people open their emails and start reading.
Richard Klein is the first to email me back:
Richard Klein is the first to email me back:
What exactly do you mean by 're-inventing factual for people who don't want to watch factual?' RxJesus, and I thought he was the bright maverick in the team? Do I have to spell this out for him V-E-R-Y ...S-L-O-W-L-Y...?
Richard,I can only hope that this has clarified things for him. Poor bloke, must be under a lot of stress.
When I say 'factual for people who don't want to watch factual' I mean we need to be less obvious about the factual content of our factual shows. Think more about hybrids eg. factual which collides with entertainment. But, crucially, these are NOT 'factual entertainment'. I'd prefer to call it Fact-lite or Entertaining Factual. So, to be clear, I'd like you to think about more stealth factual shows - which are clearly factual in tone, but Fact-lite in content, and therefore less demanding on the viewer than the current heavy factual output.
Could you russle up a few ideas for me to look at by the end of the week?
BTW, great work on Coast- one of my favourite shows of last year.
Warm regards,
TVC
I Outline My Channel Vision
FROM: TVC-01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: All Commissioning; All Supply Chain; All Regional(UK); All Development; All Executive PAs; All Senior Management; Key Independent Suppliers
BCC: Mark Thompson
Hello.
Since joining the Corporation, I've been thinking of ways to best get across what kind of programmes I want on My Channel.
On the one hand, there are the lurid, reactive, shockumentaries that have always done well for us in the post peak slots. Then there is the home-grown raft of comedies which seem to be slow burning their way to some sort of mainstream success. We only have to look at Little Britain to know we can punch through and deliver to much wider audiences, given time and some TLC.
But there has to be something else. I need something more.
Yes, we've hads lots of great success recently with shows like The Real Hustle, The Baby Borrowers, Mischief and F**k Off I'm... strands - and not forgetting Rob Brydon's Annually Retentive. But where are the new Rob Brydons? The new Little Britains? The new noisy, punch-through formats?
Where should we take The Channel next?
One of the things that I want you to think about are programmes that reach the parts that other programmes cannot reach. It's what I call The Heineken Effect.
Our audience are intelligent, urban, contemporary, and above all else, young. And we always have to refect that. But they are also bored by modern media so we need to be catering for their needs. Ask yourself this: what programmes do the Myspace generation want to watch?
I have recently started a Myspace page to try and communicate directly with this key demographic. We really shouldn't be afraid of this - it is up to us as programme makers to embrace this exciting new frontier, however challenging or scary we might find it at first.
One area that I really want you to concentrate on is itchy reality formats for 9pm. These are the shows that exist outside of our comfort zone, no matter how sophisticated we feel we are. This doesn't mean I want the obvious - our audience isn't stupid. I want you to be clever and play around with the form.
Just like The Autopsy and Space Cadets did for Channel 4, I'm looking for my own way of reinventing Factual for people who don't want to watch factual.
Remember: Think Bold. Be Big. And be Brave.
My team are looking forward to hearing from you.
Warm regards,
TVC
Saturday, 26 May 2007
Out of the Office (with nothing to do)
Couldn't really sleep. Still buzzing about giving the go-ahead to Salopes Anglaises. Even though the factual format market is heavily saturated at the moment this could be a very interesting way into historical Paris seen through the eyes of bad girls on a binge drinking vomit-thon.
Anyway, I know that it's a Bank Holiday (which I fucking hate) so got up in the middle of the night to go and play with my Blackberry.
I had seven new messages, but the one I scrolled down to first was from Kevin. I took a deep breath and hit 'open'. It read:
I went to my fridge and poured myself a glass of organic semi-skimmed milk. "Cheers Kevin!"
In about two years his job will be mine. And he fucking-well knows it.
Anyway, I know that it's a Bank Holiday (which I fucking hate) so got up in the middle of the night to go and play with my Blackberry.
I had seven new messages, but the one I scrolled down to first was from Kevin. I took a deep breath and hit 'open'. It read:
Out of Office AutoReply: What's all the fuss about?Out of the fucking country??? What, when you've got an Ofcom crisis to deal with?! Ridiculous. It would never be like this if I were Director of Television.
Many thanks for your email. Kevin Lygo is now out of the country at the LA Screenings. He will be back in the office on Tuesday 29th May.
For anything urgent please contact Helen Pickett at hpickett@channel4.co.uk or 077*3 321 ***.
I went to my fridge and poured myself a glass of organic semi-skimmed milk. "Cheers Kevin!"
In about two years his job will be mine. And he fucking-well knows it.
Friday, 25 May 2007
My first new commission
Just before lunch, I decided I needed some 'me time' to re-energise from this CBB fiasco. So I instructed my driver to take me to Green Park. Once upon a time this was where I came to pick myself up after the occasional hiccup at Horseferry Road. I paid £1.50 for a deckchair, sat down, soaked up the sun and thought to myself: "Do it. Show 'em who's boss."
Belief, belief, fucking belief. That's all I need. It has served me well before, and by god, it will serve me fucking well here too.
After all, you don't get to the lofty heights of the Youngest Channel Controller in the History of British Television™ if you let the odd Ofcom report get in your way.
Refreshed, I rocked back up at TVC at 3pm with fresh determination.
No doubt to Hincksy's surprise (a canny move, even if I do say so myself) I rang him at Elstree where he is busying himself with, yes, irony of ironies - BB8!
I didn't mince my words: "Hincksy, you've got the greenlight mate on Salopes Anglaises: the first ever bourgeoisie period history ASBO reality format."
He squeeled with delight and I could hear someone in the background getting a 'high five' - good man.
Didn't tell him that Martin Davidson has expressed doubts about how 'authentic' we can make it, but at this stage that's the least of my worries. It is edgy and noisy and different - exactly the territory My Channel should be occupying. I know there's lots of question marks hanging over the precise format but nothing we can't iron out in pre-production. Called a few people to let them know the good news.
Enough 'chit-chat', it's time to fucking rock n' roll.
Belief, belief, fucking belief. That's all I need. It has served me well before, and by god, it will serve me fucking well here too.
After all, you don't get to the lofty heights of the Youngest Channel Controller in the History of British Television™ if you let the odd Ofcom report get in your way.
Refreshed, I rocked back up at TVC at 3pm with fresh determination.
No doubt to Hincksy's surprise (a canny move, even if I do say so myself) I rang him at Elstree where he is busying himself with, yes, irony of ironies - BB8!
I didn't mince my words: "Hincksy, you've got the greenlight mate on Salopes Anglaises: the first ever bourgeoisie period history ASBO reality format."
He squeeled with delight and I could hear someone in the background getting a 'high five' - good man.
Didn't tell him that Martin Davidson has expressed doubts about how 'authentic' we can make it, but at this stage that's the least of my worries. It is edgy and noisy and different - exactly the territory My Channel should be occupying. I know there's lots of question marks hanging over the precise format but nothing we can't iron out in pre-production. Called a few people to let them know the good news.
Enough 'chit-chat', it's time to fucking rock n' roll.
I WAS NOT TO FUCKING BLAME! OK?
Staff are avoiding making eye contact with me this morning. It's like the way people are when someone has died and don't know what to say or how to act. For Christ sake - everyone (please!) get a grip!! I-WAS-NOT-TO-BLAME!
Text from James Herring: "Don't worry, I'm on top of this"
(Thank God I've got someone like him to manage my brand!)
I texted back to ask whether it was worth me going on the counter attack? I'm a fucking Channel Controller now - these malicious rumours could affect my career! I tell Herring I feel a bit hung out to dry; the sacrificial lamb, so to speak, especially now I've left the Channel.
Text from Michaela: "People are saying Kevin gave you the push...R U ok sweetie? Mxx"
(Incredible!)
Text from Hincksy: "Sorry"
(Bastard!)
Still no email back from Kevin. It's been 4 hours.
Text from James Herring: "Don't worry, I'm on top of this"
(Thank God I've got someone like him to manage my brand!)
I texted back to ask whether it was worth me going on the counter attack? I'm a fucking Channel Controller now - these malicious rumours could affect my career! I tell Herring I feel a bit hung out to dry; the sacrificial lamb, so to speak, especially now I've left the Channel.
Text from Michaela: "People are saying Kevin gave you the push...R U ok sweetie? Mxx"
(Incredible!)
Text from Hincksy: "Sorry"
(Bastard!)
Still no email back from Kevin. It's been 4 hours.
Celebrity Big Brother comes back to haunt me...
FROM: TVC-01@corporation.co.uk
TO: klygo@channel4.co.uk
SUBJECT: What's all the fuss about?
Dear Kevin,
Sorry to hear about this Ofcom report, and I hope it hasn't caused you too much grief. They clearly do not understand the types of complex issues you and I face (on a daily basis) running hugely successful cutting-edge television brands in a highly competitive commercial marketplace.
But what concerns me more – and this is the whole reason why I am writing – are Andy Duncan’s frankly unfounded comments in the press that seem to suggest that I was somehow at fault for the ‘serious editorial misjudgements’? Could you please talk to him and explain some of the finer points of what happened? I would greatly appreciate it.
Does he really believe that I did not act with ‘necessary promptness and strength’??
As I fully explained to you at the time (and in my Guardian piece which was very well received, by the way) my editorial decisions were in full accordance with Channel 4’s long tradition of not shying away from uncomfortable truths. Both Angela, Nav (of Indian parentage) and I (of Jewish ancestry) felt the behaviour of Jade et al was neither overtly offensive nor serious enough to intervene. I still stand by this.
[BTW did Andy not see the 16-24s spike?! Viewing figures went thermonuclear- I single handedly rescued the BB franchise from its ratings slump, and this is the thanks I get?]
Despite any 'criticism' over this whole affair, I remain absolutely committed to the core values of public service broadcasting – and we must never be afraid of opening up a window on a world that does not always make for pleasant or comfortable viewing.
It is our duty as programme makers.
Warm regards,
TVC
PS - As you can well imagine this furore has not gone down well with my new employers (who thought this whole matter had been put to bed long ago...) so any help you could give to rein in Andy would help tremendously - thanks!
TO: klygo@channel4.co.uk
SUBJECT: What's all the fuss about?
Dear Kevin,
Sorry to hear about this Ofcom report, and I hope it hasn't caused you too much grief. They clearly do not understand the types of complex issues you and I face (on a daily basis) running hugely successful cutting-edge television brands in a highly competitive commercial marketplace.
But what concerns me more – and this is the whole reason why I am writing – are Andy Duncan’s frankly unfounded comments in the press that seem to suggest that I was somehow at fault for the ‘serious editorial misjudgements’? Could you please talk to him and explain some of the finer points of what happened? I would greatly appreciate it.
Does he really believe that I did not act with ‘necessary promptness and strength’??
As I fully explained to you at the time (and in my Guardian piece which was very well received, by the way) my editorial decisions were in full accordance with Channel 4’s long tradition of not shying away from uncomfortable truths. Both Angela, Nav (of Indian parentage) and I (of Jewish ancestry) felt the behaviour of Jade et al was neither overtly offensive nor serious enough to intervene. I still stand by this.
[BTW did Andy not see the 16-24s spike?! Viewing figures went thermonuclear- I single handedly rescued the BB franchise from its ratings slump, and this is the thanks I get?]
Despite any 'criticism' over this whole affair, I remain absolutely committed to the core values of public service broadcasting – and we must never be afraid of opening up a window on a world that does not always make for pleasant or comfortable viewing.
It is our duty as programme makers.
Warm regards,
TVC
PS - As you can well imagine this furore has not gone down well with my new employers (who thought this whole matter had been put to bed long ago...) so any help you could give to rein in Andy would help tremendously - thanks!
Thursday, 24 May 2007
What Does Your Phone Say About You?
It's my first weekly Controller meeting, a chance to really impress. Here they all are: Peter, Roly and George with Fifi in attendance. There's also a Head of Interactive, three Scheduling Executives and all the PAs. We're in a plush, circular pod on the 6th floor (so here's where my Mum's licence fee gets spent then...)
After the formal office updates from each controller, the attention turns to me. I get some quizzical glances from Peter when I reveal that My Channel will no longer be the home for his Eastenders offshoots or Doctor Who catchups. No, we will succeed or fail on the strength of our original output, aimed at breaking new ground and appealing to the Myspace generation. I throw in a line about wanting to make factual shows for people who don't like factual. Roly smiles. George just looks confused. I feel like I'm on a roll, so...
I decide to make a clever point about channel image by playing an old favourite brainstorming game called What Does Your Phone Say About You?
I get everyone to drop their mobiles into the middle of the desk and we try to match up people according to their handset. Cue hilarious mistakes and joviality all round. My point, however, is deadly serious. Peter's channel is cash rich and deep within the fabric of our nation. But his phone is crap (an ancient Nokia circa pre-picture messaging). So, as a result, we all judge him accordingly. This is exactly how the viewers think, I explain, when they are deciding what to watch. Is this channel cool? Do I want to be seen with this channel in public? Do my friends envy me for watching this channel?
Not only was I able to bring a bit of life into the stale drone-fest meeting but we all had a good laugh at Peter's expense. I could tell Fifi was impressed.
[Just for the record I own a shit hot new Sony Erickson 880i, the size of a postage stamp, and what it says about me is that I'm fucking in touch with the kids]
After the formal office updates from each controller, the attention turns to me. I get some quizzical glances from Peter when I reveal that My Channel will no longer be the home for his Eastenders offshoots or Doctor Who catchups. No, we will succeed or fail on the strength of our original output, aimed at breaking new ground and appealing to the Myspace generation. I throw in a line about wanting to make factual shows for people who don't like factual. Roly smiles. George just looks confused. I feel like I'm on a roll, so...
I decide to make a clever point about channel image by playing an old favourite brainstorming game called What Does Your Phone Say About You?
I get everyone to drop their mobiles into the middle of the desk and we try to match up people according to their handset. Cue hilarious mistakes and joviality all round. My point, however, is deadly serious. Peter's channel is cash rich and deep within the fabric of our nation. But his phone is crap (an ancient Nokia circa pre-picture messaging). So, as a result, we all judge him accordingly. This is exactly how the viewers think, I explain, when they are deciding what to watch. Is this channel cool? Do I want to be seen with this channel in public? Do my friends envy me for watching this channel?
Not only was I able to bring a bit of life into the stale drone-fest meeting but we all had a good laugh at Peter's expense. I could tell Fifi was impressed.
[Just for the record I own a shit hot new Sony Erickson 880i, the size of a postage stamp, and what it says about me is that I'm fucking in touch with the kids]
Bring Me the Head of Stephen Lambert
Lambert is really starting to get on my tits.
I've been looking through the paperwork detailing the output deal he negotiated with My Channel (under the previous 'caretaker manager'), and it clearly states: 'Stephen Lambert agrees to Exec all projects'. But is he around on the phone when you need to speak to him? Is he fuck. I checked the diary and the last time he popped his pink cotton socks into the building was nearly 5 fucking months ago.... yet I hear from Anthony that Peter had dinner with him just last week quelle surprise...
He's never fucking around. You go looking for some RDF magic and instead you find Grant Mansfield holding the Kensington Village fort. It's a bit like wanting to talk business with Brown and instead being offered half an hour with John fucking Prescott. What, are our humble £110k budgets too good for you now, Stephen?
At this very moment in time, he's probably poncing around the French Riviera (with his briefcase) on a 60ft yacht or giving foot massages to Andrea Wong in la-la land.
What monster did I help create? I knew we shouldn't have commissioned the 13th series of Wife Swap...
I've been looking through the paperwork detailing the output deal he negotiated with My Channel (under the previous 'caretaker manager'), and it clearly states: 'Stephen Lambert agrees to Exec all projects'. But is he around on the phone when you need to speak to him? Is he fuck. I checked the diary and the last time he popped his pink cotton socks into the building was nearly 5 fucking months ago.... yet I hear from Anthony that Peter had dinner with him just last week quelle surprise...
He's never fucking around. You go looking for some RDF magic and instead you find Grant Mansfield holding the Kensington Village fort. It's a bit like wanting to talk business with Brown and instead being offered half an hour with John fucking Prescott. What, are our humble £110k budgets too good for you now, Stephen?
At this very moment in time, he's probably poncing around the French Riviera (with his briefcase) on a 60ft yacht or giving foot massages to Andrea Wong in la-la land.
What monster did I help create? I knew we shouldn't have commissioned the 13th series of Wife Swap...
Look at the shit I get pitched
There was one important detail I left out of my Commissioning Crisis memo which might help explain the situation we now find ourselves in: ALL THE IDEAS I GET PITCHED ARE SHIT!
This morning, some (no-doubt) aspiring researcher in-house at BBC Scotland had the temerity to actually email me this directly:
"Hi TVC - I just wanted to let you know of something really mental that's going to be happening up our way in Durness this summer. I reckon we could make a really interesting, quirky one-off about how this is going to come together. I know the man behind it personally and he has Michael Eavis-like ambitions up here. In fact, I've already shot a taster tape with him and his wife on his farm talking about the event. He is John Lennon-mad! I'd love to send you the tape."
He or she (I didn't even bother to check their name) included this link in the email to, in their words, "help illustrate the story".
Christ, this is what I cannot stand about working for the Corporation. The idea that some kid in bloody Glasgow not only has the ability to email me direct without having to go through the proper channels, but that they are probably encouraged to do so by their bosses (naively thinking that we're 'All One').
Well, Scotland producers, we're most certainly fucking not. You do your job and I'll get on here in London and fucking do mine. And if this is really the best you can give me, forget it. It might pass for something on the news website, but it doesn't justify me having to waste five seconds of my life writing you a fucking pretend-polite email back.
God, I hate the "regional" people.
This morning, some (no-doubt) aspiring researcher in-house at BBC Scotland had the temerity to actually email me this directly:
"Hi TVC - I just wanted to let you know of something really mental that's going to be happening up our way in Durness this summer. I reckon we could make a really interesting, quirky one-off about how this is going to come together. I know the man behind it personally and he has Michael Eavis-like ambitions up here. In fact, I've already shot a taster tape with him and his wife on his farm talking about the event. He is John Lennon-mad! I'd love to send you the tape."
He or she (I didn't even bother to check their name) included this link in the email to, in their words, "help illustrate the story".
Christ, this is what I cannot stand about working for the Corporation. The idea that some kid in bloody Glasgow not only has the ability to email me direct without having to go through the proper channels, but that they are probably encouraged to do so by their bosses (naively thinking that we're 'All One').
Well, Scotland producers, we're most certainly fucking not. You do your job and I'll get on here in London and fucking do mine. And if this is really the best you can give me, forget it. It might pass for something on the news website, but it doesn't justify me having to waste five seconds of my life writing you a fucking pretend-polite email back.
God, I hate the "regional" people.
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Meet my Development lackies
It's been quite a while since I actually had my own development staff so you can imagive how delighted I was to find out there is a small team of development researchers plugged in to all things 'Channel Youth', slaving away 24/7 to work up ideas exclusively for me.
How exciting!
At Horseferry Road, I could never get away with this from fear of upsetting indies and the PACT police. But, thankfully, here at the Corporation they make their own rules - so fuck PACT!
I got introduced to my creative lackies first thing this morning. There are three of them. First up is McDonald (yes, he prefers to go by his surname for some inane reason, don't fucking ask me why) who sports a ginger goatee, wears a baseball cap (even at his desk) and spends a lot of his time with little white earphones on, whilst concentrating furiously at his desktop. Ben Gale tells me that he's been responsible for getting most of the Fuck Off I'm... films off the ground. If that is indeed the case, then McDonald is going to be told to Fuck Off and get his P45 very fucking soon.
Then there is Jo (a foxy brunette) who I'm told recently joined from Endemol. I'll give Hincksy a call to get the lowdown on her. She doesn't seem particularly impressed when I sit down next to her at her desk for a chit chat. But I do like the fact that she wears sexy fishnets. Always a bonus for any office.
Finally, I meet Stevie, who comes across as the silent type. He's northern and I am told that Richard Klein rates him because he has a "very anti-PC approach to popular factual." Mmmm. We shall see...
Must admit, I really *hate* inheriting staff, especially creatives. Their minds are way too attuned to the previous incumbent, so I'll have to beat that out of them very fucking sharpish. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
How exciting!
At Horseferry Road, I could never get away with this from fear of upsetting indies and the PACT police. But, thankfully, here at the Corporation they make their own rules - so fuck PACT!
I got introduced to my creative lackies first thing this morning. There are three of them. First up is McDonald (yes, he prefers to go by his surname for some inane reason, don't fucking ask me why) who sports a ginger goatee, wears a baseball cap (even at his desk) and spends a lot of his time with little white earphones on, whilst concentrating furiously at his desktop. Ben Gale tells me that he's been responsible for getting most of the Fuck Off I'm... films off the ground. If that is indeed the case, then McDonald is going to be told to Fuck Off and get his P45 very fucking soon.
Then there is Jo (a foxy brunette) who I'm told recently joined from Endemol. I'll give Hincksy a call to get the lowdown on her. She doesn't seem particularly impressed when I sit down next to her at her desk for a chit chat. But I do like the fact that she wears sexy fishnets. Always a bonus for any office.
Finally, I meet Stevie, who comes across as the silent type. He's northern and I am told that Richard Klein rates him because he has a "very anti-PC approach to popular factual." Mmmm. We shall see...
Must admit, I really *hate* inheriting staff, especially creatives. Their minds are way too attuned to the previous incumbent, so I'll have to beat that out of them very fucking sharpish. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
What Commissioning Crisis!?
FROM: TVC-01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Key Independent Suppliers; All Commissioning; All Supply Chain; All Regional(UK); All Corporation Development; All Executive PAs
BCC: Mark Thompson
Hello
You may have recently read in 'Broadcast' that the Corporation is supposedly going through a commissioning 'crisis'. I would just like to reassure you all that here at the Youth Channel we are still open for business as usual.
Yes, we are in the middle of re-positioning our strategy for 2008/9 - and I know this has had a knock-on effect for some of you - but I would like to add that we remain absolutely committed to finding bold and original ideas that take the Channel forward.
In the next few days I will be issuing a briefing document that, hopefully, will give a clear outline of my pressing content needs for the next quarter. I will also be visiting many of you personally, to meet your development teams and to get to know the 'people behind the programmes'. Anthony, my assistant, will be in touch very soon to arrange this.
These are exciting times. Together, I hope we all can play an important role in shaping the creative future of the Youth Channel.
Warm Regards,
TVC
TO: Key Independent Suppliers; All Commissioning; All Supply Chain; All Regional(UK); All Corporation Development; All Executive PAs
BCC: Mark Thompson
Hello
You may have recently read in 'Broadcast' that the Corporation is supposedly going through a commissioning 'crisis'. I would just like to reassure you all that here at the Youth Channel we are still open for business as usual.
Yes, we are in the middle of re-positioning our strategy for 2008/9 - and I know this has had a knock-on effect for some of you - but I would like to add that we remain absolutely committed to finding bold and original ideas that take the Channel forward.
In the next few days I will be issuing a briefing document that, hopefully, will give a clear outline of my pressing content needs for the next quarter. I will also be visiting many of you personally, to meet your development teams and to get to know the 'people behind the programmes'. Anthony, my assistant, will be in touch very soon to arrange this.
These are exciting times. Together, I hope we all can play an important role in shaping the creative future of the Youth Channel.
Warm Regards,
TVC
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Is Sebastian Scott secretly straight?
... The only reason I ask is that he just popped his head round my office door wearing the kind of jacket, jeans and tan combo reserved only for super wealthy Greek yacht owners. Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy! I love spending time with successful people like Seb- be they gay, straight, or whatever. The aftershave of success oozed from his every pore like a semi-naked poledancer.
So, we chatted for ten minutes over a skinny latte (mine was iced).
He asked if his team could come in and pitch me a few 'itchy' reality projects they had been brainstorming. I was impressed (and flattered) by the speed of his response to my new buzzword de jour, so I jumped in and said: "Let's do breakfast at the Wolseley next Thursday?"
Seb responded: "OK.... but sadly Henrietta might not be able to make it, as she's still knee deep in dealing with the Matthew Wright situation at Five (this sounded serious) but I'll bring Dave Gravy along instead." He said this smugly, implying somehow that meeting Dave Gravy was definitely a Very Good Thing to do, although I couldn't fathom why.
"Gravy who?"
Panic flashed across his eyes.
I've seen this haunted look before. This is often the case when bosses suddenly discover that their bullshitting Execs don't know me as well as they pretended to.
"Gravy. Dave. 'Scouser Dave'. You know, the brains behind Faking It and Perfect Match...?"
This did ring a distant bell. I remember Charlotte once warning me about someone called Dave who apparently was the 'laziest cunt in the history of television'. His last three films were practically made by his AP whilst he 'worked from home' on side projects designed to make him rich.
As if I need another TV cunt to have to deal with.....
So, we chatted for ten minutes over a skinny latte (mine was iced).
He asked if his team could come in and pitch me a few 'itchy' reality projects they had been brainstorming. I was impressed (and flattered) by the speed of his response to my new buzzword de jour, so I jumped in and said: "Let's do breakfast at the Wolseley next Thursday?"
Seb responded: "OK.... but sadly Henrietta might not be able to make it, as she's still knee deep in dealing with the Matthew Wright situation at Five (this sounded serious) but I'll bring Dave Gravy along instead." He said this smugly, implying somehow that meeting Dave Gravy was definitely a Very Good Thing to do, although I couldn't fathom why.
"Gravy who?"
Panic flashed across his eyes.
I've seen this haunted look before. This is often the case when bosses suddenly discover that their bullshitting Execs don't know me as well as they pretended to.
"Gravy. Dave. 'Scouser Dave'. You know, the brains behind Faking It and Perfect Match...?"
This did ring a distant bell. I remember Charlotte once warning me about someone called Dave who apparently was the 'laziest cunt in the history of television'. His last three films were practically made by his AP whilst he 'worked from home' on side projects designed to make him rich.
As if I need another TV cunt to have to deal with.....
Monday, 21 May 2007
Bad lunch at The Electric
Finally had my lunch at The Electic with Fifi - seven fucking days too late but there we go. I wore a simple grey V-neck jumper from Zara, white cotton t-shirt, and black casual Jaeger trousers. She turned up in something that would make Ruth Badger proud: primary colour blouse, power suit, stiff haircut and efficient workman like boots.
Tagging along is Juliet, Fifi's 'trusted' Executive PA. God knows who she talks to.....better watch what I say.
Fifi didn't waste any time raising the issue of my decision to axe Julian's output for 2008/9. It had clearly 'ruffled lots of feathers'. Aggressively, she said that she didn't know how I did these things over at Horseferry Road but The Corporation had well-defined protocols, meetings to attend and people to consult (etc).
I told her that I totally understood, but that I felt it was important to turn over a new leaf, and (I reminded her) when I was headhunted she had explicitly asked me to come in and take the Youth Channel to 'the next level'. That's all that I've tried to do.
Fifi jumped back in, spitting out a Sea Bass bone, saying that she totally loved my spirit and ambition, "But you have to remember, as far as Mark and I are concerned the Channel is going in the right direction. Julian has done a fantasic job and we're hitting all our targets. The Charter renewal demonstrates that."
[Did I hear correctly? 'Fantastic job' ?! This conversation was not going well...]
As I picked at my Crumbed Pollock with Sauce Gribiche, Fifi then said: "I must also mention that I had to take a very concerned call from Kevin saying that he'd heard you were in talks with Objective about poaching Derren Brown. Is this true?"
I denied everything (obviously).
Shit, this was getting a bit heavy. Fifi mentioned the dreaded 'breach of contract' and then went on to add that someone like Derren was a bit too "way out there" for us.
Fuck, this was not the kind of chit-chat I was expecting at all. I'm a fucking Channel Controller for fuck's sake!!
Surely this is what I am paid to do??!!!
Tagging along is Juliet, Fifi's 'trusted' Executive PA. God knows who she talks to.....better watch what I say.
Fifi didn't waste any time raising the issue of my decision to axe Julian's output for 2008/9. It had clearly 'ruffled lots of feathers'. Aggressively, she said that she didn't know how I did these things over at Horseferry Road but The Corporation had well-defined protocols, meetings to attend and people to consult (etc).
I told her that I totally understood, but that I felt it was important to turn over a new leaf, and (I reminded her) when I was headhunted she had explicitly asked me to come in and take the Youth Channel to 'the next level'. That's all that I've tried to do.
Fifi jumped back in, spitting out a Sea Bass bone, saying that she totally loved my spirit and ambition, "But you have to remember, as far as Mark and I are concerned the Channel is going in the right direction. Julian has done a fantasic job and we're hitting all our targets. The Charter renewal demonstrates that."
[Did I hear correctly? 'Fantastic job' ?! This conversation was not going well...]
As I picked at my Crumbed Pollock with Sauce Gribiche, Fifi then said: "I must also mention that I had to take a very concerned call from Kevin saying that he'd heard you were in talks with Objective about poaching Derren Brown. Is this true?"
I denied everything (obviously).
Shit, this was getting a bit heavy. Fifi mentioned the dreaded 'breach of contract' and then went on to add that someone like Derren was a bit too "way out there" for us.
Fuck, this was not the kind of chit-chat I was expecting at all. I'm a fucking Channel Controller for fuck's sake!!
Surely this is what I am paid to do??!!!
Bertie dropped by
I was in the middle of having to catch up with another episode of the dreadful fucking 'shitcom' Gavin and Stacey (Christ, how many did Julian commission?) when Bertie - totally unannounced - popped his head into my office.
He looked nice and tanned; a bronze beauty if ever I saw one (for a man, that is). I greated him like a long lost puppy. Bertie, remember, is one fuck of an important player.
He said that he was in the cutting room "fixing" a three-parter for Martin Davidson, due to air on BBC4 next month. "You really, really, REALLY don't want to know ANYTHING about this one," he said with a big fucking smile on his arrogant, yet convincingly assured, sunburnt face.
I mentioned that I'd really like to sit down with him and go through a few ideas that I had kicking about, but, as expected, this wasn't going to be Bertie's bag: "Call me in six months when you REALLY need some bloody help! I'm done with troubleshooting shit before it hits the fan. Besides, I'm not really convinced that you could afford me! I read Broadcast just like everybody else does. Tough times already, eh?"
And that was it. Off he minced, back to his fucking basement edit to go and win some more fucking Baftas no doubt.
Fuck you Bertie.
He looked nice and tanned; a bronze beauty if ever I saw one (for a man, that is). I greated him like a long lost puppy. Bertie, remember, is one fuck of an important player.
He said that he was in the cutting room "fixing" a three-parter for Martin Davidson, due to air on BBC4 next month. "You really, really, REALLY don't want to know ANYTHING about this one," he said with a big fucking smile on his arrogant, yet convincingly assured, sunburnt face.
I mentioned that I'd really like to sit down with him and go through a few ideas that I had kicking about, but, as expected, this wasn't going to be Bertie's bag: "Call me in six months when you REALLY need some bloody help! I'm done with troubleshooting shit before it hits the fan. Besides, I'm not really convinced that you could afford me! I read Broadcast just like everybody else does. Tough times already, eh?"
And that was it. Off he minced, back to his fucking basement edit to go and win some more fucking Baftas no doubt.
Fuck you Bertie.
Madeleine: too much even for me
It's just gone 8.30am and I've picked up an email from Michaela, with 'Madeleine' in the subject line. Following on from her aborted and frankly amateur attempt at securing access to the McDonalds Murder a few weeks back (I see Todd Austin now has this on his One Life slate), I wasn't expecting much.
But what I read made my stomach churn. After all we've been through she has seriously misjudged what I'm looking for - and more importantly, what my viewers want.
Here's the email in full:
Jesus. What is this woman thinking? Maybe she's deluded and assumes I've turned into Jeremy fucking Kyle? For one thing, she is completely missing what demographic My Channel is aimed at, and another thing she's got me totally wrong. Yes, I Iike stories from the heart, but no, I don't want to be seen to capitalise on grief in such an obvious manner. As a Channel Controller I have high fucking standards.
I am personally offended, if not a little sickened, that she thought I'd appreciate this blatant attempt to cash in on one family's personal tragedy. Who does she think I am? Trevor-fucking -Tonight-McDonald?
This woman is quite clearly 'off message'.
I replied:
I'm worried Michaela has lost her magic touch. This is terrible timing.
I'm relying on her to deliver some new hit formats for My Channel.... so why-oh-why is she going down this road with me?
But what I read made my stomach churn. After all we've been through she has seriously misjudged what I'm looking for - and more importantly, what my viewers want.
Here's the email in full:
Michaela@blueprintmedia.net wrote at 08.11:
This whole dissapearing girl in Portugal story has completely grabbed everyone by their heartstrings. It feels to me like another watershed moment in the way we mourn - a bit like Diana.
It's every parent's worst nightmare. You're on holiday. Abroad. Can't speak the language, and don't know the local laws and customs. And then the unthinkable happens. Your child vanishes. Neither you nor me could fully comprehend the horror of what this must feel like...
I'd like to make a really poignant, heartfelt film about the agony - as parents - we must go through when this happens. Imagine it - your child goes missing, presumed dead. (Do you think it would help if I could get access to previous stories of child murders abroad? In fact shall we call it Child Murders Abroad?)
I could even get an approach in to Madeleine's Dad who I understand is back from Portugal, albeit for one day.
Robert Boner is coming off '7/7: The Nurse's Story' for ITV and I think he's perfect for this.
Can we talk?
Love as always,
Mxxxxx
PS - Aaron's shock doc about daughters who have sexual feelings for their Dads is on Sky One next Wed at 9pm. Don't miss!! x
Jesus. What is this woman thinking? Maybe she's deluded and assumes I've turned into Jeremy fucking Kyle? For one thing, she is completely missing what demographic My Channel is aimed at, and another thing she's got me totally wrong. Yes, I Iike stories from the heart, but no, I don't want to be seen to capitalise on grief in such an obvious manner. As a Channel Controller I have high fucking standards.
I am personally offended, if not a little sickened, that she thought I'd appreciate this blatant attempt to cash in on one family's personal tragedy. Who does she think I am? Trevor-fucking -Tonight-McDonald?
This woman is quite clearly 'off message'.
I replied:
TVC-01@Corporation.co.uk wrote at 08.22:
Hi M,
Thanks for this.
This sounds very interesting but I don't think it's for me.
Warm Regards,
TVC x
PS. Talk to Anthony and we'll get something in the diary soon
I'm worried Michaela has lost her magic touch. This is terrible timing.
I'm relying on her to deliver some new hit formats for My Channel.... so why-oh-why is she going down this road with me?
Sunday, 20 May 2007
Offered a line
Sorry, but it's been bugging me ever since I got home and started watching the evening back on Skyplus:
About half-way through my night of BAFTA hell I went to the loo, and was accosted by a very, very very high-ranking ITV drama executive. What really got me was that he made absolutely no pretense about it: he wanted me to "do a line" with him "for old times sake". And he said all of this with Ant from 'Ant and Dec' in earshot (he was in the middle of a spectacularly long piss at the time).
I will state quite clearly now for the record that I have NEVER EVER indulged in illegal drugs in my lifetime, and just because I'm a high powered TV Controller doesn't mean I plan on starting now.
The Exec in question ought to know that I have marked his card accordingly.
About half-way through my night of BAFTA hell I went to the loo, and was accosted by a very, very very high-ranking ITV drama executive. What really got me was that he made absolutely no pretense about it: he wanted me to "do a line" with him "for old times sake". And he said all of this with Ant from 'Ant and Dec' in earshot (he was in the middle of a spectacularly long piss at the time).
I will state quite clearly now for the record that I have NEVER EVER indulged in illegal drugs in my lifetime, and just because I'm a high powered TV Controller doesn't mean I plan on starting now.
The Exec in question ought to know that I have marked his card accordingly.
My BAFTA night of hell
Rocked up at the Palladium to take my rightful place alongside the top of the television elite. I looked dapper in my Hugo Boss tux and crisp white Armani shirt. All started well as I mingled over canapes with Surallen, Gordon, Simm, Ann Marie Duff (phwoar) and a host of other A-listers. Then I made my way to where Surallen was sitting, assuming this was where I would be for the night - The Apprentice row, the biggest show of the year, surrounded on all sides by top brass (including Thomo). The place to be seen.
But no. Fifi took me aside by the arm and said in hushed tones, as if to save me from further embarrassment: "You're on the Pulling row. It's our only nominee for the youth channel... would look terrible if you weren't seen to be supporting it."
Supporting it? I haven't even fucking seen it?!
So I was sent to look for row 186. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FUCKING SIX! I didn't even think there were that many rows in here....Passed Row Dragons Den... Row Green Wing. Even had to fucking pass the Dancing On Ice production team until eventually I found the Silver River people, about as far away from the fucking stage as you could possibly get.
And this is where I stayed for the night. I could see Derren Brown thirty two rows in front but, to be honest, I had lost the heart to make any approach. I was squeezed next to Felicity (the posh producer) and Tristram (the posh director) and made idle small talk about the "brilliance" of sitcoms and how "we simply don't have enough of them these days on TV" (too many for my fucking liking).
After The Royle Family had won (God, is that northern shit still going?), Daisy leant across and quizzed me on my enormously well paid new job (whilst stroking her hair flirtatiously), and I made some terribly witty comments about the Pat Llewellyn and Gordon Ramsey rumours.
I was stunned by the number of namechecks Richard Klein received (even Ben-fucking-Gale got a mention) and I made a mental note to bring Klein down a peg or two...
At the end of the evening Kevin Lygo said hello which was nice of him (but I think it was accidental as he was trying to find his way to the loo).
What a fucking weekend I've had...
But no. Fifi took me aside by the arm and said in hushed tones, as if to save me from further embarrassment: "You're on the Pulling row. It's our only nominee for the youth channel... would look terrible if you weren't seen to be supporting it."
Supporting it? I haven't even fucking seen it?!
So I was sent to look for row 186. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FUCKING SIX! I didn't even think there were that many rows in here....Passed Row Dragons Den... Row Green Wing. Even had to fucking pass the Dancing On Ice production team until eventually I found the Silver River people, about as far away from the fucking stage as you could possibly get.
And this is where I stayed for the night. I could see Derren Brown thirty two rows in front but, to be honest, I had lost the heart to make any approach. I was squeezed next to Felicity (the posh producer) and Tristram (the posh director) and made idle small talk about the "brilliance" of sitcoms and how "we simply don't have enough of them these days on TV" (too many for my fucking liking).
After The Royle Family had won (God, is that northern shit still going?), Daisy leant across and quizzed me on my enormously well paid new job (whilst stroking her hair flirtatiously), and I made some terribly witty comments about the Pat Llewellyn and Gordon Ramsey rumours.
I was stunned by the number of namechecks Richard Klein received (even Ben-fucking-Gale got a mention) and I made a mental note to bring Klein down a peg or two...
At the end of the evening Kevin Lygo said hello which was nice of him (but I think it was accidental as he was trying to find his way to the loo).
What a fucking weekend I've had...
Salopes Anglaises
Today, as I normally do every Sunday, I bought the following papers:
The Observer (for the media/business section)
The News of the World (for any new Mazher Mahmood immigration scoops)
The Mirror (for anything the Screws missed out on)
The Mail on Sunday (so I could catch up on the Liz Jones saga latest)
The Times (for their literary review section and overall authority on news events)
Also, flicked through The Sunday Express (too embarrassed to buy it) and spotted an intriguing feature following a raucous British hen party causing 'Eurotrash' havoc in Paris - sort of an 'up-yours-we're-slags-and-we're-proud-of-it' piece (the accompanying pictures were incredible!)
It got me thinking about translating this notion to a series (call it Salopes Anglaise) where we take a gang of British slags and transport them to the high society world of 1915 Paris to see how they get on. Has anyone done an accessible Bourgeoisie period-based class swap format before? I may be on to something new here; the first history/ASBO hybrid format.
Called and left a message on Martin Davidson's home number asking him to get his team on it A-S-A-fucking-P monday morning.
Then called my old pal Tim Hincks and told him if he could get a proposal in quickly I'd be able to claim 'Tim must have also read the same article' and the gig would be his.
I spent the rest of the afternoon getting my tuxedo ready for the BAFTAs.....
The Observer (for the media/business section)
The News of the World (for any new Mazher Mahmood immigration scoops)
The Mirror (for anything the Screws missed out on)
The Mail on Sunday (so I could catch up on the Liz Jones saga latest)
The Times (for their literary review section and overall authority on news events)
Also, flicked through The Sunday Express (too embarrassed to buy it) and spotted an intriguing feature following a raucous British hen party causing 'Eurotrash' havoc in Paris - sort of an 'up-yours-we're-slags-and-we're-proud-of-it' piece (the accompanying pictures were incredible!)
It got me thinking about translating this notion to a series (call it Salopes Anglaise) where we take a gang of British slags and transport them to the high society world of 1915 Paris to see how they get on. Has anyone done an accessible Bourgeoisie period-based class swap format before? I may be on to something new here; the first history/ASBO hybrid format.
Called and left a message on Martin Davidson's home number asking him to get his team on it A-S-A-fucking-P monday morning.
Then called my old pal Tim Hincks and told him if he could get a proposal in quickly I'd be able to claim 'Tim must have also read the same article' and the gig would be his.
I spent the rest of the afternoon getting my tuxedo ready for the BAFTAs.....
Saturday, 19 May 2007
My FA Cup Final hell
Just got back from the 'New Wembley' which was a bit wasted on me having never been to the 'Old Wembley'. (I don't even like football).
Yesterday I had foolishly accepted an invite to attend the FA Cup final thinking it would be a great opportunity to get close to the likes of Thompson and the rest of the top brass for quality out-of-hours chit-chat. I fondly remember the great corporate awaydays at Cheltenham Races when I could work the marquee, and have quiet one-to-ones with Kevin, Janey and Peter Dale over a glass of champagne (I'm sure it was one of these shindigs that helped land me Head of Docs).
So what better way (I thought to myself) than to spend a whole afternoon with 'Thomo', the most powerful man in broadcasting. I'm sure he'd be keen to hear my first impressions of the Corporation.
On arrival at the stadium I was escorted into a huge Executive suite which to my horror-of-horrors was filled with children with faces painted red & blue. I instantly recognised the woman from the 2nd floor Costa Coffee at TVC. I tried to avert eye contact but it was too late. She shuffled over (with kids and husband in tow) and said without any trace of irony: "Isn't it great to get perks like this at the Corporation? Are you here alone or were you able to bring your family?"
Holy crap what have I let myself in for? I scanned the room. Where's Fifi? Where's Thomo? Surely I can't be in the right place?
Unwittingly, I discovered, I had accepted an invitation to join the 'One Corporation One Family One For All' annual FA Cup treat for the lackies. Over one hundred lucky employees - secretaries, IT, admin, cleaners - had won a day out for themselves and their nearest and dearest. There was NO top brass. NO Mark Thompson. Not even Alan Yentob.
What the fuck am I doing here? Why hadn't Anthony fucking flagged this up when the email came round yesterday??? What kind of PA is he?? He should be shielding me from this kind of shit.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned and it was Jay Hunt, the Controller of Daytime. She whispered: "Great to see you here supporting this, well done. It won't go unnoticed. Oh, and make sure Katie the photographer from 'Ariel' sees that you're here...." (She then gave me a nice squeeze on the arm. Love her.)
An hour later I found myself sandwiched between Bob, a 58 year old VT technician from Borehamwood and Sandy from 'Studio Dispatch' (whatever that means), for 90 excruciating minutes, plus something called 'extra time'.
Holy crap, as if it couldn't get any worse I spotted Thomo on the big screen during a replay. No, he wasn't in the 'One Corporation One Family One For All' suite, he was sitting one row behind Prince William in the VIP area.
So, there we have it. Six and a half precious fucking hours of my life completely wasted for one picture in 'Ariel' of me surrounded by kids holding balloons....
Yesterday I had foolishly accepted an invite to attend the FA Cup final thinking it would be a great opportunity to get close to the likes of Thompson and the rest of the top brass for quality out-of-hours chit-chat. I fondly remember the great corporate awaydays at Cheltenham Races when I could work the marquee, and have quiet one-to-ones with Kevin, Janey and Peter Dale over a glass of champagne (I'm sure it was one of these shindigs that helped land me Head of Docs).
So what better way (I thought to myself) than to spend a whole afternoon with 'Thomo', the most powerful man in broadcasting. I'm sure he'd be keen to hear my first impressions of the Corporation.
On arrival at the stadium I was escorted into a huge Executive suite which to my horror-of-horrors was filled with children with faces painted red & blue. I instantly recognised the woman from the 2nd floor Costa Coffee at TVC. I tried to avert eye contact but it was too late. She shuffled over (with kids and husband in tow) and said without any trace of irony: "Isn't it great to get perks like this at the Corporation? Are you here alone or were you able to bring your family?"
Holy crap what have I let myself in for? I scanned the room. Where's Fifi? Where's Thomo? Surely I can't be in the right place?
Unwittingly, I discovered, I had accepted an invitation to join the 'One Corporation One Family One For All' annual FA Cup treat for the lackies. Over one hundred lucky employees - secretaries, IT, admin, cleaners - had won a day out for themselves and their nearest and dearest. There was NO top brass. NO Mark Thompson. Not even Alan Yentob.
What the fuck am I doing here? Why hadn't Anthony fucking flagged this up when the email came round yesterday??? What kind of PA is he?? He should be shielding me from this kind of shit.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned and it was Jay Hunt, the Controller of Daytime. She whispered: "Great to see you here supporting this, well done. It won't go unnoticed. Oh, and make sure Katie the photographer from 'Ariel' sees that you're here...." (She then gave me a nice squeeze on the arm. Love her.)
An hour later I found myself sandwiched between Bob, a 58 year old VT technician from Borehamwood and Sandy from 'Studio Dispatch' (whatever that means), for 90 excruciating minutes, plus something called 'extra time'.
Holy crap, as if it couldn't get any worse I spotted Thomo on the big screen during a replay. No, he wasn't in the 'One Corporation One Family One For All' suite, he was sitting one row behind Prince William in the VIP area.
So, there we have it. Six and a half precious fucking hours of my life completely wasted for one picture in 'Ariel' of me surrounded by kids holding balloons....
Friday, 18 May 2007
LOST
Still getting to grips with the place. It's immense. And to think that the likes of Forsyth and Lineker have traipsed the same (featureless) hallways as me, is quite surreal. It reminds me of my old Oxford halls of residence.
Had an unpleasant experience today on the way to the creative nerve centre on the 6th floor when I accidentally got off the lift on the wrong floor. I tried cutting through, hoping to meet up with the stairs on the other side, but had to take a detour to avoid some building works and, well, after trying to follow signs to B4205 - B4255 I was well and truly lost. And that's when it happened..... I rounded a corner and discovered a huge furniture graveyard stretching out before me; old relic swivel chairs, desks circa 1983 and IBM computer monitors piled up across an entire floor and left to rot. The dust layer was probably half and inch thick.
Whipped out my corporate Blackberry to send Anthony an email: "URGENT: Help! Fucking lost in furniture graveyard floor in TVC..." Five minutes later he found me and escorted me back upstairs to the safety of my office. I was physically shaking. He chuckled to himself (chuckled to himself would you fucking believe it!) and said I wasn't the first...
Quick as a flash I spat: "I wasn't lost (you little shit) I was just exploring."
Had an unpleasant experience today on the way to the creative nerve centre on the 6th floor when I accidentally got off the lift on the wrong floor. I tried cutting through, hoping to meet up with the stairs on the other side, but had to take a detour to avoid some building works and, well, after trying to follow signs to B4205 - B4255 I was well and truly lost. And that's when it happened..... I rounded a corner and discovered a huge furniture graveyard stretching out before me; old relic swivel chairs, desks circa 1983 and IBM computer monitors piled up across an entire floor and left to rot. The dust layer was probably half and inch thick.
Whipped out my corporate Blackberry to send Anthony an email: "URGENT: Help! Fucking lost in furniture graveyard floor in TVC..." Five minutes later he found me and escorted me back upstairs to the safety of my office. I was physically shaking. He chuckled to himself (chuckled to himself would you fucking believe it!) and said I wasn't the first...
Quick as a flash I spat: "I wasn't lost (you little shit) I was just exploring."
Hideously Brown
Note to self: there seem to be an awful lot of successful middle class Asian women working in the Corporation.
Did Dyke get it wrong?
I think we need a new initiative to help the careers of white working class males who find their progress being blocked by this brown bias. Clearly, something is going on.
Have decided to dust off a few old diversity schemes and, perhaps, hire a Diversity Über Chief who can come in and sack a few Asians... start appealing to a wider workforce... correct the Corporation's inbalance...that sort of thing.
As Aaqil once told me, there's nothing like a multicultural debate to appease the downtrodden and generate some 'heat' in the press. It would be tremendously useful if my staff think I care about their shitty inconsequential careers and this new 'Brown Task Force' may be the ticket to boost my popularity internally.
Did Dyke get it wrong?
I think we need a new initiative to help the careers of white working class males who find their progress being blocked by this brown bias. Clearly, something is going on.
Have decided to dust off a few old diversity schemes and, perhaps, hire a Diversity Über Chief who can come in and sack a few Asians... start appealing to a wider workforce... correct the Corporation's inbalance...that sort of thing.
As Aaqil once told me, there's nothing like a multicultural debate to appease the downtrodden and generate some 'heat' in the press. It would be tremendously useful if my staff think I care about their shitty inconsequential careers and this new 'Brown Task Force' may be the ticket to boost my popularity internally.
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Blue Peter sacking scandal
Richard Marson, Blue Peter's dedicated footsoldier, fell on his sword today; which an insider (ie me) leaked to the press as "not entirely coincidental".
My official 'Meet and Greet the New Channel Controller' was cancelled as a result, with the top brass rushing around all day like headless bloody chickens.
Outrageous. Is this how the Corporation deals with a crisis? Haven't they learnt a fucking thing post-Hutton?
Deny
Deny
De-bloody-ny
Take Celebrity Big Brother for example. It's a masterclass - if I don't say so myself - in avoiding the shit that's flying around. Quote some Virginia Woolf in a respected publication, big up your public service credentials and DENY DENY DE-FUCKING-NY any involvement whatsoever in making what other people consider to be catastrophic errors of judgement. Racism? Purleeeese. If Nav (of Indian parentage remember) thinks it's OK - then that's fine by me.
But here at the Corporation it's a completely different story. I'm very worried at the way Fifi has hung the Editor out to dry rather than go on the attack and defend his position. Sounds to me like a junior researcher fucked up anyhow, so it's staggering to me why they'd rather axe the Editor than a media graduate on £200 a week.
Let this be a lesson to me. I'm about to push the boundaries in the multi-channel TV landscape so I had better watch my back. There's bound to be some fallout from the Bold, Brave, Edgy programme strategy I'm planning to push through...
My official 'Meet and Greet the New Channel Controller' was cancelled as a result, with the top brass rushing around all day like headless bloody chickens.
Outrageous. Is this how the Corporation deals with a crisis? Haven't they learnt a fucking thing post-Hutton?
Deny
Deny
De-bloody-ny
Take Celebrity Big Brother for example. It's a masterclass - if I don't say so myself - in avoiding the shit that's flying around. Quote some Virginia Woolf in a respected publication, big up your public service credentials and DENY DENY DE-FUCKING-NY any involvement whatsoever in making what other people consider to be catastrophic errors of judgement. Racism? Purleeeese. If Nav (of Indian parentage remember) thinks it's OK - then that's fine by me.
But here at the Corporation it's a completely different story. I'm very worried at the way Fifi has hung the Editor out to dry rather than go on the attack and defend his position. Sounds to me like a junior researcher fucked up anyhow, so it's staggering to me why they'd rather axe the Editor than a media graduate on £200 a week.
Let this be a lesson to me. I'm about to push the boundaries in the multi-channel TV landscape so I had better watch my back. There's bound to be some fallout from the Bold, Brave, Edgy programme strategy I'm planning to push through...
Why is Steve Gowans more popular than me?
shit-shit-shit-shit-shit
How come Steve-Acting-All-Serious-With-His-Arms-Folded-Like-A-Twat-Gowans, a mere commissioning editor, has forty seven friends on myspace?
I only have one.
I've been 'live' for over an hour and nothing much is happening. The one bloke who is my 'friend' is called Tom. Everyone (I am told) gets Tom as their friend. He's like the annoying clingy kid at school who attached themselves to the popular people. Well I don't need or want Tom. This will not do.
I have asked Anthony (I'm realising that gay PAs do have their uses) to plug into his Gaydar network and get them to all link to my site. By the amount of time he spends on the phone, I reckon this could very well be the entire northwest region of London.
(Obviously when I say 'asked' I mean 'ordered')
How come Steve-Acting-All-Serious-With-His-Arms-Folded-Like-A-Twat-Gowans, a mere commissioning editor, has forty seven friends on myspace?
I only have one.
I've been 'live' for over an hour and nothing much is happening. The one bloke who is my 'friend' is called Tom. Everyone (I am told) gets Tom as their friend. He's like the annoying clingy kid at school who attached themselves to the popular people. Well I don't need or want Tom. This will not do.
I have asked Anthony (I'm realising that gay PAs do have their uses) to plug into his Gaydar network and get them to all link to my site. By the amount of time he spends on the phone, I reckon this could very well be the entire northwest region of London.
(Obviously when I say 'asked' I mean 'ordered')
Steve Gowans is a fucking copycat
Michaela has just emailed saying that Steve Gowans (who I absolutely know is gagging for the head of programmes job despite official denials) has gone and got a myspace page.
Fucking copycat. I went out on a limb to communicate directly with my viewers via my blog, now everyone is at it and he thinks being all 'cool' and 'trendy' on myspace is going to cut the mustard with Lisa Opie (has she even used the internet??)
Well anything he can do.... just got Anthony to quickly assemble something on there for me:
http://www.myspace.com/thetvcontroller
Fucking copycat. I went out on a limb to communicate directly with my viewers via my blog, now everyone is at it and he thinks being all 'cool' and 'trendy' on myspace is going to cut the mustard with Lisa Opie (has she even used the internet??)
Well anything he can do.... just got Anthony to quickly assemble something on there for me:
http://www.myspace.com/thetvcontroller
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