Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Jimmy Savile Reviews

Dear Colleagues,

As you will know the BBC has launched two independent reviews into issues surrounding the Jimmy Savile case, and George has indicated his intention to set up a third strand of work looking into more general claims and processes about sexual harassment in the corporation.

Due to the coverage, understandably people are coming forward to report instances in all three areas. To ensure we can respond appropriately, or pass material into the reviews, we need to capture all relevant information.

As a supplier of BBC programmes, you may be contacted by members of the public, your teams, or contributors, either in connection with your BBC productions or previous experiences on other BBC programmes. If that happens, we would ask you to pass on that information to the BBC. Of course, if the allegations relate to suspected criminal activity these should be brought to the attention of the police in the first instance.

We would ask that you pass any information on to your usual, or most frequent,Commissioning Executive. They in turn will be able to pass the information on to the BBC investigations team or HR, depending on the nature of the claim.

If anyone wishes to remain anonymous, we would ask that you pass on a summary of the allegation, without compromising their anonymity. For those that are willing to be contacted please take their contact details, along with the nature of their allegation.

This covers allegations from either a victim or witness to any form of abuse or harassment involving anyone working on a BBC production, either on or off screen.

This does not affect your editorial coverage of any issues arising from this case. It is simply an information request.

If you feel more comfortable passing on the information directly you can do so as follows:

Contact details: ·
Vision HR lead is Deb Brewer: Call 020 800 83715 during office hours or email ·

BBC Investigations Unit - Call 020 8752 4168 during office hours or email: ·

For general comments about the BBCs handling of this matter, please refer members of the public to the BBCs Audience Services team.

I would like to emphasise that the BBC is committed to support victims of abuse and sexual harassment; will co-operate fully with the police investigation; and ensure allegations of inappropriate behaviour from current employees is fully investigated, and dealt with as necessary.

If you have any further questions please dont hesitate to get in touch with me. Please can you pass this request on to your teams.

Kind regards,

Emma Swain
Controller Knowledge Commissioning, BBCTV
Rm 6060 BBC Television Centre | Wood Lane
W12 7RJ

Tel: 020 8576 7138

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Blog is dead

My flock, do come communicate with me!/TheTVController

that's where I'll be from now on.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

I'm safe now

A new beginning doth beckon. Besides, it's probably been ages since anyone looked at this. I think I'm safe now.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010


DATE: Wed, 27 Oct 2010 18:12:05 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: one channel; one love

Can you book in some face-time next week so we can discuss these exciting plans? Specifically, on slide 32 of your powerpoint One Love: Programming, Synergy and Strategy 2012 you mention a complete channel rebrand (including stationery)? Are you sure this is prudent?

Whilst I admire your youthful enthusiasm over the last couple of days and your desire to get started 'with a bang', given the treasury announcements I hope you understand that we cannot be seen by our (many) enemies to be spending money on cosmetic changes of any sort.

I love the idea of various ethnically diverse 'No.1' figures of different sizes flying from all parts of the UK map to reveal a giant pulsating 3D 'ONE', inside of which will feature our key channel faces and serial drama brands morphing into one another, but perhaps this is something we could revisit in the spring when the heat is off...

Fifi x

PS. Will we see you tonight for a celebratory drinky-poo in Rm 3702 (outer corridor near Studio 5) in honour of your new appointment??!

Monday, 25 October 2010

Jay Hunt's awful autumn slate

Oh. My. Fucking. Christ.

I've just had some dull 50 year old woman in my office (my Channel Commissioning Executive, apparently) pitching me the forthcoming autumn slate which Jay Hunt greenlit just before leaving.

Top of the list (!) is Alesha Dixon's new chat show which she promises me is going to 'go beyond chat to reveal the raw emotions of all her guests', and in a 'genius new twist' will feature a house band made up of ex-members of real famous bands.... Some Countryside Dreams series which allows ordinary members of the public a chance to win a job as a market stall holder in Wiltshire..... Some horrendous puffpiece with the nation's darling Gloria Hunniford traveling the world on the trail of the honey bee called Hunniford Hunts Honey...some yawn-tastic nature spin-off called Autumnwatch Goes Urban where the team are based in Coventry and will be showing the public the truth behind the secretive nightime world of rats.....A complicated studio interactive thing hosted by Gary Lineker... A disappointing paint-by numbers Dame Judy Dench drama series based on her life story...


I am going to have to slash and burn my way through this lot, because it simply will not suffice.

Where is the itchiness? Where is my voyeurtainment? Where is the drama? Hasn't anyone watched the youth channel output of the last 3 years, and seen what I've achieved?!! I have shown time and time again that we needn't shy away from uncomfortable topics (provided we have the right celebrity angle). We should be embracing the edgy mainstream - not simply being content in some wishy-washy shiny floor universe where people are always happy.

Where's the itchy posh-out-of-water formats like my outstanding footballer series which really highlighted the the important issues of living in a modern day slum?

I get on the blower to Tricky Dicky at Love and tell him to get a 10 x 60' edgy mainstream reality format on my desk by the end of the week. If anyone can transform a dire social issue into light entertainment, it's Tricky.

Friday, 22 October 2010

My Exciting New Image

The Headmistress has asked whether I am going to be updating my image, or as she put it "align your new look to the new grown-up responsibilities that await you". She wants me to embrace a Brand New Me and ditch the ‘horrid’ T-shirt, blazer and jeans look which I’d been sporting at the end of my (triumphant) reign at the Youth Channel.

She feels I need to make a serious statement of intent…a haircut that will ensure people take me seriously. Something that will enable me to sit down with Paxo and the cardigan crew at Panorama and not feel out of my depth.

...Youthful but with gravitas
...Sharp yet soft around the edges
...Timeless not trendy

Glancing around at my peers for inspiration, I was thinking about something like this

Thursday, 21 October 2010


DATE: Thurs, 20 Oct 2010 09:38:12 +0100
SUBJECT: Modules

Firstly, on behalf of everyone in the Executive Talent Board office here on the 6th Floor of Television Centre, congratulations on your exciting new position at Corporation One. We all hope your stay with us is a little longer than the previous incumbents (Channel 4, ITV and Five really aren't all that they are cracked up to be, believe us!)

As mentioned thoroughly - and I hope succinctly - during your exit interview from the Youth Channel, we have had to review our records in respect of your One People, One Nation - The Excellence Performance Chart and we have noticed that you have not completed all the safety modules in the Ensuring Safety: Lessons in Value and Building Viewer Trust for The Future training course.

You’ll be pleased to know that these can be easily completed online (estimated time of completion including video and interactive elements is just 6.5hrs).

Unfortunately, until Talent get receipt of these modules being successfully completed they will be unable to issue your new contract.

The modules include:

Cables: Proper use and storage on location (includes using multiple power supplies, other general electrical safety and understanding operational risks)

Studio Shooting: Live, As-live and Pre-record Dos and Don’ts [Note: This is an essential component for all Execs involved in this year's Strictly Come Dancing]

Who's Health is it Anyway? (includes correct deskspace management guide and how to prevent musculo-skeletal stress and injury)

NB: Given the spending cuts announced yesterday by the government, whilst you may have once been entitled to claim Additional Work Relief expenses for 6.5 hours of time spent carrying out this vitally important Personal Gateway Development Plan, unfortunately as from today, dated 21st October 2010, this personal development must be purely undertaken outside of your contractually stated hours at no additional cost to the license fee payer.

I am sure that you understand.


Training and Development, Executive Talent
Rm 3546

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

My vision for ONE

Only 48hrs into the big new job and I've already formulated a 'holistic' channel vision powerpoint that I am excited about presenting to my new commissioning colleagues. I've prepared an exciting range of buzz words I cannot wait to unleash on the Broadcasting world. There's a lot riding on this meeting. Time for Kleiny and the other culture vultures to see what I'm fucking made of:

Thai Chicken Family. As in my channel needs to shed the Egg and Cress Sandwich viewer and embrace the Thai Chicken Salad Wrap Family; more vibrant, spicy and 'now'.

Canapé content. As in our viewers do not want to feel bloated after a night's viewing so we should offer them more choice in bite-sized morsels.

Vapour. As in the channel brand should feel 'cool' but also mysterious, hard to pin down and identify - like a vapour mist.

Indigestible. As in 'fuck me did you see the last episode of The Bill, it was sadly indigestible.'

Voyeurtainment. A canny combination of both the visceral and voyeuristic thrill of watching real people doing extraordinary things on TV.

Big things lie ahead in the poly-platform voyeurtainment landscape of The Mothership.

I have finally arrived at the top table and I won't let my supporters down

Monday, 18 October 2010

I'm Torn


It's been a long time since I last wrote, and a great deal has happened both to my career and the wider broadcasting landscape.

On Friday the best kept secret around Television Centre was finally revealed to the masses.

Fifi immediately asked me: 'Do you want to resurrect that blog you once wrote?'

I must admit, a shiver of excitement rushed through me. I'd enjoyed revealing my true self to you, my wider audience, during those heady moments when I first started out running the Youth Channel.

But then I grew tired of the responsibility I started to feel as I shared the pain in trying to convince the likes of Kleiny of my high brand concepts like Itchy Reality™; the criticisms I got from likes of the Smurf, and the snipping from the sidelines that others felt able to thrust towards me.

Fifi has said she thinks running Corporation One and blogging in the same heartfelt and honest way might do me the world of good as I attempt to negotiate the ensuing battles I obviously face taking up the command of the Mothership.

I've told her I'll probably only do it if my erstwhile former school chum Ed Milliband joins me and does exactly the same as he navigates the treacherous course of leading the Labour Party. I need partners. I need soulmates. I don't want to be alone in putting myself out there again in such a painstaking way.

Or maybe I should just be populist as is my want, and put it out there to the vote. Do you want me to return?

Comments are now open, and I shall forward the responses to Fifi before I shift offices on the 6th floor later next week.

Yours in Itchy Reality

The TVCx

Thursday, 30 July 2009

online search behaviour

words that people have googled in the last 24 hours to land on this blog:

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Tuesday, 21 April 2009

My Oxford Union address

My old chums at the Oxford Union (what fond memories!) have asked me to attend an event to kick-start the new academic year in October. It's titled: "The Truth About TV: Uncut" and they've begged me (naturally as the Youngest Channel Controller in Television History™, etc, etc), to share my insider knowledge with them.

They want me to do a 'How Documentaries Really Get Made' session (but I'm going to call it "how FACTUALITY Really Gets Made"). I said that I'd only be too happy to oblige. Anything to cement my Oxford alumni status.

So with nothing better to do today (no new pitches from Richard McKerrow for me to deal with - strange), I set to work on my thesis.

These are the notes I passed on to Anthony for him to type up properly onto Obama-style cue-cards:

* X pitches me an idea. But it's way too wet. Not enough "bite" to it. I suggest ways of ramping it up. X gets a hard-on, thinks he could grab a commission and rushes back to his development lackies. They spice up the proposition, relieved in the knowledge that they won't be the poor fuckers who have to deliver these over-promised ideas in the final programme.

* X runs back to me, desperate for approval of his revamped, totally revved-up and (unrealistic) pitch. I stroke my stubble, make him sweat a bit, swivel a few times on my chair, and then casually agree to sign off the project - but slice another 20% off the projected budget. Tough times I'm afraid (Jonathan Ross still needs his personal stylist after all).

* X then has to find some lackies to actually make it. His budget is totally disproportionate to the dreams and lies sold to me by his desperate lackies, so lots of prospective P/Ds gasp and tut and shake their heads. But as they are all desperate to work in these most distressing economic times, none of them would ever consider not taking the gig.

* I take my time signing off people. I only work from a preferred list of my star directors. This process takes a good 6 weeks (when in reality it should only take me a few hours if I could really be arsed).

* Production starts with a team made up of the following:

- 1 x cynical, world-weary late-thirties P/D
- 1 x super-ambitious and flirty 20-something AP
- 1 x dumb-as-fuck-but-cheap-recently-graduated researcher

They really need to double the manpower to come even close to replicating the magic promised in the pitch document, but budgets are a bit tight these days.... nevermind.

* Shortcuts are made from day one. The 6 weeks of pre-production suddenly becomes just 3, and it turns out that the budget my programme finance bods signed off is not the actual budget the production team has to play around with. No, their budget has been doctored by the indie - who have had to take a huge 25% wedge from the bottom line to keep the owner in her flash holiday home in Marbella and season tickets to Spurs.

* Filming kicks-off with the poor researcher being turned into a 'location director' (posh title to make amends for his paultry £350-a-week and 18-hour days) because there's "not enough money in the budget" to afford a professionally-trained, experienced (and unionised) camera crew.

* Weak storylines and contributors (not enough time to research them properly/find other stories, people, etc) provide a lackluster 2-week shoot. P/D already stressed to the hilt that his exec (and also me) will find the finished film a failure and never give the P/D another job in his life again. P/D has children to feed and bills to pay, so bites the bullet and uses his carefully honed people-skills to "produce" some outrageous actuality with dumb, working class-desperate-to-be-on-TV contributors.

* Edits go massively over budget as I insist on wholesale changes and reshoots to get it even remotely what my demographic are going to want to watch. The P/D is facing the brunt of my wrath as all the lies and exaggerations at the start of the project come back to haunt him, whilst the Series Producer calmly moves on to their next project.

* The press people take one look at the finished product in a weekly meeting lasting 15 minutes and decide to throw their minuscule promo budget behind a series with Ian Hisplop in it instead. Thus relegating the programmes to the dustbin of the EPG where it rots, week in week out, attracting fewer viewers and reminding me constantly like a dog turd on my frontstep that I never want to hire the P/D ever again.

* 6 weeks later I am being pitched again by the same production company and all is forgiven when they sit in my office and promise to deliver "Amy Winehouse being filmed going through rehab in a raw and uncompromising film about addiction"......Hmmm, I sit back and smile, this could just be the type of thing to solidify my reputation as a creative visionary amongst my rivals......."

Think that is about as honest as I would like to get with the Oxford kids.

NB. Simply MUST remember to bring Anthony with me so he can jot down the names and contact numbers of any impressive undergraduates who are desperate to work for cheap.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Where is Newcastle?

Back in the office after a pleasant Easter break in County Durham endulging my little hobby of egg jarping. I was first introduced to the delights of jarping by my chums at Oxford and I can't tell you how relaxing it is after a hard few months of chasing the ratings.

But my chilled state wasn't going to last. James Silver from the Media Guardian has rung four times this morning - and it's not even 10 o- fucking-clock yet!

Reluctantly I called him back whilst trawling google for 'nicole+kidman+small+breasts+fetish'.

What came down the telephone line stunned me into silence. "I've got an 8-page highly-confidential memo leaked to me from one of my insiders at the Corporation Trust. It's all about plans to move the Youth Channel to a new media base the Corporation is going to create in Newcastle Upon Tyne. What's your immediate reaction? Off-the-record of course."

Er, where the fuck is Newcastle??


I jumped into action and grabbed the phone: "Anthony - get me Ant and Dec on the phone ASA-fucking-P"

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Young, Yiddish and Proud

Frankly I've reached the end of my tether.

I've had to attend another brain-numbing PC-correct 'workshop' on under-represented ethnic minorities and how The Corporation needs more "Exec producers, series producers, directors and APs" from "ethnic-centred" (whatever the fuck that really means) backgrounds.

I didn't pipe up about the under-represented minority that I personally feel remains marginalised by the television elite: 30-something white males from a jewish religio-economic background.

So with the help of these cutting edge Jewish radicals I am aiming to tackle this problem head-on....

It's time for a Jewish media revolution! Fuck-YAY!

Let's show them that we're better at comedy. That we're better at drama. That we're better at documentaries. But most of all let's show them that we're miles fucking better at youth orientated programming!

Why should Yentob be the only Corporation top-cheese to have his own TV show?? I've instructed Hincksy to hire Bertie to series edit a brand new series for the spring. I will be doing a Yentob and fronting it myself called Who Da Jew?™ which will see me report on cool young Yiddish hipster sub-cultures each week, with live music and some interactive bits and bobs too.

With me at the helm EVERYONE will sit up and take notice. I am expecting - at the very least - glowing reviews in heat, Grazia and the JC

Suddenly (and with Obama in my reaches) I feel a new power surge coming on...

Everything's going to be fine

Saturday, 19 July 2008

Shag, Marry, Kill or Commission?

To keep myself amused I often play a game with grovelling producers who line up outside my office waiting to pitch me their latest ideas, called:


Whilst they stand around nervously, chatting last minute detail about 'interactive added value', I mentally imagine who I'd prefer to shag, marry, kill or commission. You'd be surprised at some of the fruity combinations I've come up with!

For example, I'd commission Richard McKerrow but probably not fully shag him (a blowie is probably my limit if I had to). I might go a couple of rounds with Hincksy (but hate myself in the morning) and I'd definitely 'do' Camilla Lewis AND commission her, marry her and, most likely, kill her too.

See how much fun you can have?!

[Although once I bumped into both The Wolfster and Sir Yentob in a Corporation lift... and suffered mental anguish for days afterwards. Some decisions in life - thank fuck - don't have to be taken.]

This amusing executive de-stress game of mine inspired my latest, fantastic new youth format SNOG, MARRY, AVOID? which by now you will have all seen and enjoyed. Not only have I invented the world's first 'make-under' TV format, but I believe it is the first time a 'virtual assistant' has been used in a primetime features slot. Not since the heady sci-fi days of 2001: A Space Odyssey has the use of a pointless flashing light been so revolutionary.

Fuck, I'm way too good for this Corporation.

Inspired by its HUGE ratings success, I have decided to conduct the first ever straw-poll of industry big-wigs to discover exactly how important sex appeal is in getting ahead in the world of British broadcasting.

Here in the land of the TV controller gods we all know that getting pitched to by a sexy nymphet is far preferable than a grumpy northerner, or - god forbid! - those wretched regional scallies from Wales.

So from the following randomly selected beautful people please select who you would prefer to SHAG, MARRY, KILL or COMMISSION?

Tommy Nagra
Dan Trelford
Dominic Crossley-Holland
Grainne Lyons
Gurdip Bhangoo
Janet Lee
Lauren Hennessey
Lisa Dunn
Martin Davidson
Michael Jackson
Nick Mirsky
Nick Woodroffe
Sara Ford
Sara Hardy
Tim Martin
Adam Kemp
Carla-Maria Lawson
Charlotte Moore
Eamon Hardy
Jacqueline Hewer
The Wolfster
Rosalind McInnes
Anne Mensah
Meredith Chambers
Basil Comely
Perry Mansell
Ben Evans
Caroline Ormerod
Diana Kyle
Foz Allan
Dave Gravy
Gaynor Holmes
Havia Taylor
John Yorke
Cunton Allen
Lucy Hetherington
Andy Zein
Mark Freeland
Alan Hayling
Timothy Hincks
Amanda Ross
Annabel Raftery
Charles Brand
Clare Paterson
Daisy Goodwin
Denys Blakeway
Simon D Arkwright III
Elodie Gornall
James Burstall
Justin Gorman
or Sophie Gratton

Your vote counts. All comments are confidential and the results will be revealed someday

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

My Priorities for Comedy

TO: Corporation Comedy Unit; All Key Comedy Suppliers; Armando Iannucci; Jimmy Mulville; Ash Atalla
CC: Perry Mansell; John Thoday

Hello everyone.

I thought it would be a good time to outline a couple of thoughts regarding Comedy and the Youth Channel for Spring 2009.

We've had some amazing successes in this area over the last couple of years, but I am worried that we're a little bit niche when it comes to this part of the schedule.

Are we too "cool" for our own good?

Lucy Lumsden and Simon Wilson are doing brilliantly in this area, but they, like me, are also very keen for us to open up comedy on the Youth Channel to a new, bigger, more accessible (and perhaps a little less bright) audience.

Whilst our core audience is - and always will remain - the hard-to-reach PSP-obsessed Bebo-committed 10-17 age group, perhaps we can catch their 32-45 year-old parents, friends, colleagues, uncles, older friends and family if we chime the right chords??

Fawlty Towers did hotels, Only Fools and Horses did market trading, Dear John did bedsits, Open All Hours did corner shops and The Office did offices. So what are the new spaces where we spend our work, leisure and private times? Where are we going to find the new Del Boys, David Brents, Arkwrights and Basil Fawltys?

Don't forget the power of the red button in all of this. How can we make the audience at home BECOME the audience in the comedy venue? And where is the new Dennis Pennis coming from? They can't all be up in Edinburgh!!

I think there is also room to create a new comedy genre: the "reality comedy". Imagine for a moment Mike Leigh and Stephen Lambert (RIP) locked in a room with just some paper and pencils for an hour. What would they create? What kind of wicked characters and situations would come out of that meeting?

With the goodwill of Myfanwy Moore and Richard Klein I want the finest reality producers to sit down with some of our most ambitious comedy talent to develop ideas that blend these two brilliantly popular genres. Only on this channel could we invest and support such a dynamic partnership. Throw in a cool up and coming house band and we'll be cooking with gas.

I will call this exciting new hybrid: Drama-dy™

Talent - both on-screen and off, is a major thing we care about here. I want to ensure that under-represented people get a fair chance to develop and hone their skills within the Corporation on My Channel.

So where are the disabled or lesbian (or both!?) comic talents?? Where are the next Ash Atalla's coming from? What is happening with the underground yet hugely funny area of blind comedy? Is that genre ready for youthful, mainstream audiences yet? And what exactly can we do (or not do possibly) with deaf and/or albino talent??

Look, just go out there and have some fucking fun. Be brave, and be bold. My team are eagily awaiting your Dramady™ ideas.

Best wishes


Friday, 13 June 2008

My new suicide documentary

I was delighted to spend 20 minutes of my time this morning with the lovely Melinda Messenger and a group of unwashed Fleet Street hacks briefing them about our forthcoming campaign about suicide and young people.

Fuck off Stephen Fry, and your 'depression and me' crap on Corporation Snooze 2. Here on the Youth Channel we have more immediate ways of doing this kind of shit!

Melinda authors the series, and goes on a personal journey into the dark world of suicide.

I am thrilled at the heavyweight yet light and, dare I say it, very "itchy" way we've made this series. I have to hand it to Bertie for saving this project in the fucking edit. Well done my man from Notting Hill!

All kinds of problems hit us: characters not showing enough "emotional reaction" to Melinda's interview technique; tears at the wrong time; a lack of meaningful exchanges with loved ones (Bertie needed four reshoots to make the edits work)... but anyway, the most important thing is I am happy with the final outcome.

Talking of which, I am delighted about the EPG impact factor of the series title:

"MELINDA MESSENGER: IN SEARCH OF THE FINAL COUNTDOWN"!! [Cue the theme tune - we've licensed Europe's song "The Final Countown"!!]

The boys in scheduling and marketing have pulled a blinder on this one.

Bold, ambitious, brave and as fucking "shouty" as you could get!!! The kids will kill themselves if they miss it (joke)

Monday, 7 April 2008

Rap the Iraq War

At last! Brian Hill has finally come up with something worthwhile for me to consider commissioning. It's noisy, shouty, young and very fucking itchy.

Rap The Iraq War is a 90 minute special that I can play straight after the new series of kung-fu-tastic Phoo Action. I am very fucking excited.

Let me explain:

Hill's preferred soft Yorkshire poet Simon Armitage has spent a few weeks hanging with some former soldiers who have recently returned from Basra and has managed (admirably) to piece together some kind of narrative detailing their experiences "fighting the enemy". For once, his pseudo-realist poetry actually works!

The TV composer Danny Pemberton has been commissioned to create a musical piece full of "thunder, reckoning and remorse" to accompany the words, and some of Brian's lackies have gone onto the streets to film vox-pops with under-16s that can slot into the musical intervals to add realism and relevance for my hard-to-please demographic.

But my biggest coup by far will be the exclusive appearance of Lethal Bizzle, who I am reliably told is one of the country's hottest up-and-coming grime artists (whatever that means). He's agreed to do an exclusive 2 minute rap and create some "beats 'n shit."

[I'm praying that this Lethal chap won't remember the last time we bumped into each other at the MOBOs.]

I don't think I'm over-egging the project by predicting that this film could very well be the Apocalypse Now for my young and itchy generation.

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Commissioning Code of Conduct

Whilst I am all for greater co-operation and understanding between people like me and people like them, I do think McVay and his feeble PACT chums have taken a rather over-the-top approach to that delicate relationship between over-stressed Commissioner and thoroughly-expendable Worker, with this new, frankly ridiculous code of conduct:

DATE: Tue, 25 Mar 2008 09:38:12 +0100
SUBJECT: CCC (Commissioning Code of Conduct)

Dearest colleagues,

I think I've managed to fudge together a code of conduct that will appease the moaning freelance industry just enough to let bygones continue to be bygones. Have a read and if there's anything you really object to, let me know ASAP.

We've got to do a press launch for this next Tuesday. I know it's a little embarrassing, but any takers to be on the podium alongside me?

Once again, I am sorry it has come to this. I would never - dear God - lay blame at your doors directly for this, but perhaps you would be so kind as to instruct your underlings (for whom I think this is really intended) to take heed of the concerns that the insecure indie sector has on matters like this.

Your humble TV champion,

PS Can one of you please remind James Herring he's not allowed to print the CCC on the back of t-shirts and distribute freely at this year's Edinburgh TV Festival? Cheers

Pact directive 14.3.5(b)
*ratified in accordance with the Broadcasting Act 1996 by PACT board in consultation with Broadcasting organisations within the British Isles & beyond

1. Thou (meaning "the Commissioner") shall not dismiss ideas pitched by producers outright without proper and careful engagement. This means actually listening properly and intently to said idea before rejecting it out of hand based on some lazy outdated or personal idiosyncrasy to do with concept or approach to subject matter

2. Thou shall refrain from obsessive use of meaningless jargon to cover up your complete lack of knowledge and purpose in knowing the type of programmes your boss expects you to commission

3. Thou shall show proper respect (smiling upon arrival, saying hello, shaking hands, making eye contact, remembering everyone's name) to each and every member in attendance at an ideas meeting, no matter how junior and irrelevant they may appear to be

4. Thou shall not use mobile digital devices (such as blackberry's, PDAs, 3G phones etc) during edit viewings, and instead appear keen and alert to the programme you are watching in order to substantiate your important feedback and comments at the end of said viewing

5. Thou shall not make half-baked and ignorant suggestions of 'talent' to front landmark programmes you have commissioned and expect knowledgeable producers to have to deal with your naive wishlists, thus avoiding a huge amount of time and money wasted in the pre-production process

6. Thou shall never offer commissions to preferential producers or directors based on private agreements or 'favours' following previous commissions or places of employment

7. Thou shall not stagger into an edit suite all gung-ho munching on a stinking donor kebab and slugging down a bottle of Kingfisher lager at 11am because you genuinely think it puts you in "the mindset of the youth target audience watching this after the pubs have shut in some shitheap like Rochdale"

8. Thou shall remember that the people who provide you with shows are freelancers who would like to know sooner rather than later whether you will be able to commission their next six-month contract so that they will not go begging to their mortgage lenders looking extremely desperate and weak

9. Thou shall not flirt with the executive producer or series producer in order to cover up your failures at commissioning stage when the shit appears to be hitting the fan during final weeks of the edit

10. Thou shall demonstrate during pitch meetings that you are proud to think independently from your channel controller and are prepared to take risks and stake your beliefs clearly and confidently; that you posses 'balls' in other words by being brave enough not to refer every single idea up the food chain of television command

11. Thou shall appreciate the great lengths your freelance independent producers go to bring you hard-to-achieve access, and show understanding of the intricate difficulties and stresses involved for all footsoldiers involved in gaining said access.

12. Thou shall never reject an idea with the excuse that it is too similar to something else in production, when clearly you have merely run out of ways to say no to a perfectly feasible idea. Nor shall thou patronise the vastly experienced producer by worrying whether his/her ideas will "rate" highly enough for your mediocre and underperforming channel

13. Upon the unlikely event that you have commissioned a hit show, thou shall resist the temptation to heap praise and champagne on the Executive Producer, and instead give the proper credit due to the footsoldiers who have slogged their guts out, cut their weekly rates, and put their homelife on hold in order to deliver the show on time and on budget (and against the odds) thereby saving your arse and keeping you gainfully employed for another year

SIGNED (Commissioning editor/Executive)....................
DATE .............................

Monday, 25 February 2008

Major Security Breach

TO: All Departments; All Corporation; All Operations
DATE: Mon, 25 Feb 2008 08:10:12 +0100
SUBJECT: Security Threat

It has come to my attention this morning that there has been a major security breach in the building:

Ben Roe has been careless enough to lose his Corporation ID card, which could easily have fallen into the hands of a Shepherd's Bush terrorist cell, or even worse, an investigative journalist from The Sun.

Thankfully my ever vigilant PA Anthony was the first to find it before any serious harm was done.

In these times of heightened security, we must all remember to do our bit to help protect the Corporation from coming under needless attack. As a result of this potentially dangerous loophole in security, I will be implementing a brand new training initiative for all Youth Channel employees entitled: "Keep Your Eyes Peeled: You Are Important in the Global Fight Against Terror" starting lunchtime on Monday the 3rd March for 6 weeks.

Ben, please come immediately and collect your ID from my office.


Monday, 18 February 2008

51 TV Love Poems by The TV Headmistress

DATE: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:27:02 +0100
SUBJECT: The Headmistress


Don't take this badly but it appears another one of my clients has decided to branch out into the blogosphere. She's got a new book on the way and thought the idea of keeping a blog charting her progress would be, and I quote, "rather fun".

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.... but then you would know that working at the Youth Channel! (joke)

Rest assured that this is not a conflict of interest for me and I remain totally committed to your 5 year brand strategy (Head of BBC1, President Obama's communications director, Director General etc etc etc)

Yours as ever,

The Dark Lord

Friday, 1 February 2008

An Apology


I recognise and accept that a number of statements that I made on my blog “The Secret Diary of a TV Controller (aged 33 and 3/4)”, in particular the posts of 16th June 2007 ("Squash"), 26th August 2007 ("My Edinburgh networking night from hell") and 9th October 2007 ("MIPCOM Madness"), may have caused offence to both Endemol UK and Timothy Hincks through the depiction of the fictional character "Hincksy".

It is important for me to stress that as far as I am aware, the conversations, emails and activities depicted between the characters "Hincksy" and "TVC" never occurred, nor was there any intention to discredit or call into question the professional reputation of Mr Hincks or his employer Endemol UK.

Mr Hincks does not play squash regularly with a channel controller as falsely stated on 6th June 2007 ("Squash"), nor did Mr Hincks describe Melanie Leach, Lisa Opie and Hannah Johnson as the "bitches of Eastwick" whilst attending The Media Guardian Edinburgh International TV Festival 2007, as posted on 26th August 2007 ("My Edinburgh networking night from hell").

I would also like to state for the record that Endemol UK has never represented the international format rights to "Salopes Anglais", the fictitious television reality series described in my blog, nor did they try and sell it at MIP or any other international market, as claimed on the 9th October 2007 ("MIPCOM Madness").

I would like to apologise for any unintentional personal or professional embarrassment or distress that this may have caused, or any confusion that may have arisen from these false statements.

As a demonstration of good will I have agreed to donate an undisclosed figure to Mr Hincks' chosen charity and I trust this matter is now closed.

the anonymous author of The Secret Diary of a TV Controller (aged 33 and 3/4)

Thursday, 10 January 2008

A sneak preview of Lily

Hello again.

Here's an exclusive 2 minute preview of my forthcoming itchy entertainment show Lily Allen and Friends made by Princess Productions. I must admit I was quite surprised by the tone of it at first but Karl assured me that this is exactly what the kids want to watch these days.

I'm incredibly proud of the way it turned out. It promises to be the Youth Channel's first breakout hit of 2008!

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Thanks to...

A big thanks to all of you who made it possible (in no particular order):

James Herring for keeping my identity hush-hush, Steven D Wright for all his indiscreet emails (don't worry I won't show anyone), Fiona Lennon for the iced skinny lattes, James Silver for his great advice, Rowena Gray for being a saint, Michael Gove for staying stum (thank you!), Kevin L for encouraging me during my darkest days, Lucy Lumsden for first rejecting it as a sitcom, Addison for coming up with his own storylines, David Flynn for sorting out the 'Itchy Reality' t-shirts in Edinburgh, Marty Durkin for all those inspiring rants, Andrew O'Connor for teaching me how to play poker, Jemima K for always fighting my corner, Murray for keeping me sane, Martin Davidson for being totally straight with me, Ro Newell for the birthday cake, Will Self for never knowing who I was (and not caring!), Dan Mazer for being a top man, Kufena for offering to sleep with me if I went on Screenwipe, Helena Peacock for the rollerskating lessons, Graham Smith for being a great sub-editor, Jo Shinner for the Anthea insights, Bear for being a pussy, Dan McGolpin for getting drunk to celebrate his mention, David Glover for the NASA contacts, Stuart Murphy for agreeing to play the villain, Rob Thirkell for lending me his signed McGee book, Camila Lewis for having the bottle to wear her old Word outfit in a Brighton hotel room, Danielle Lux for the Pret muffins, Kleiny for keeping me in on the loop, Nigella for taking it on the chin, Charlotte Black for the inside scoop on the "E4 years", Neale Simpson for getting me into Soho House, Ben Gale for showing me his REAL bathroom, Hannah Barnes for the gym story, Wayne Garvie for the anecdotes about Fincham, Gary Reich for the encouragement, Lambert for sexing it up just for me (thanks man, I owe you), Adam Freeland for never pandering to me, Peter for the MGEITF invite, Jon Ronson for his patience, Chris Curtis at Broadcast for being the first hack to support me, the constant smirking from Peter Salmon that kept me going during the early days, Robert Popper for taking the first hits (sorry mate), Mahoney for putting up with my kinky boot fetish, Steve Gowans for our early conversation about myspace, Dom W for giving me her opinions whether I liked them or not, Elaine Bedell for feeding me home-made hummus when the going got tough, Dan Chambers for all the proof reading (slap on back well deserved), Jay Hunt for flirting with me without realising who I was, Dan Hine for the late-night emails, Sue Murphy for the corduroy fashion advice, Yentob for the Groucho cocktails and gossip (I owe you big man), Julian B for his words of wisdom, Riley Anderson for never doubting me, Hincksy for letting me beat him at squash (and the pic of his car), Grimsdale for passing on his literary agent's details, Ben Silverman for being so Hollywood, Jana Bennett for blanking me (twice), Henrietta for introducing me to Dave Gravy, Ralph Lee for asking nasty questions, Simon Shaps for not being in it (no matter how hard he tried), Daisy Donovan for the coffee and salad, Grace Dent for worrying on my behalf, Peter Moore for his (very) dry anonymous comments, Duncan G for his invaluable help with the meaningless commissioning jargon, Claire Grimmond for the long lunches, Remy for being robust but charming, The Wolfster for giving me Murdoch's feedback on the blog, Daisy Goodwin for the encouragement (and help with Mexico), Suzanne Gilfillan for the watch, Tara Conlan for being an absolute star, Lisa O for laughing out loud at her cameo, Holly Pye for the access, Julia Wrigley for spending more time on the blog than on facebook, Andy Mac for thinking I worked at Tiger Aspect, Stephen McCrum for being very bitter, Peter Dale for finally understanding what email is for, Liz Warner for the DVDs, Charlie Brooker for snubbing me, Anna Blue for the cough medicine, Richard Bacon for the story about Ant & Dec, Simon Dickson for using the word 'organic' a record number of times in one pitch meeting, Jay Rayner for worrying that I was going through a midlife crisis and blowing the biggest break of my career, Danny Fenton for the beers and scoop on Jez, Reemah S for brainstorming buzzwords with me, Meredith for the sushi and bitching, Claudia Emery for being so supportive (will you marry me?), Helen Veale for the cycling maps, Lorraine H for inspiring me to write my favourite post, Roy Ackerman & Amanda C for the 'early years' stuff, Helen Bullough for forwarding those emails, Andy Newman for being my ultimate Libertine, Peter F for having a good sense of humour, Ben Frow for the anecdotes (I miss you- please come home), Dawn Porter for supporting me in the press despite the conflict of interest and DC for pretending not to read it. You're a legend. Thank you all and goodnight x

Love, Dominic Vallely xx

Sunday, 4 November 2007

The Observer Q & A with the TVC

Journalist James Silver (left) probing the anonymous blogger. Picture courtesy of Rex features.

The Observer: Why did you start writing the blog..? Was there a particular moment or incident..? Was it general exasperation? Describe the origins, where the idea first struck?

TVC (puffing on cigar): I started to get increasingly frustrated and annoyed by the state of TV and some of the attitudes of execs and channel controllers to ordinary programme makers. I started thinking about how many ego maniacs run the industry and yet are completely unaccountable for their actions. Satire was the best way of bringing to light some of these personalities, their monstrous working practices and apathy for the ordinary viewer on the street.

The industry was lacking any kind of satirical comment, especially about the mercurial way channels are run and the dirty habits of how commissioning editors treat their producers. I’ve always enjoyed the irony of how TV channels are obsessed with chasing youth and yet they are mostly all run by middle class, middle of the road, middle aged white men. This inspired me to create the ultimate character who is obsessed with youth, and yet has no clue what the kids really want.

I remember sitting through a Channel 4 briefing when Hamish Mykura said he wanted more programmes that felt like "scaling the north face of the Eiger". Anyone who is seduced by jargon like this is in danger of disappearing up their own arse. Jana Bennett is a prime example of this awful Harvard business school-approach to talking about and making tv, and it is something we should try and resist. And so the concept for 'itchy reality' was born. So, indirectly, we can all be thankful for commissioning editor bollocks speak which has been a big inspiration for my writing.

The blog never intended to create such a fuss, it was merely supposed to be a playful 'poke in the eye' to some of the industry's big self-obsessed egos and a way for me to vent my spleen after a bad day at the office. I would highly recommend starting a fake blog for anyone who wants to engage in a cathartic up yours to their own industry. As long as you can keep your identity hidden, of course.

The Observer: What are you trying to achieve with it...? it strikes me as far more than that just a funny read/office entertainment? Is the aim for it to become, in a wonderful hall of mirrors type way, a Larry Sanders style sitcom..? Is it all one big pitch for a show!?

TVC: Well it's certainly not a pitch for a TV show. I'm not self promoting or trying to make a name for myself. To be honest, the blog just evolved over the first 6 weeks and grew organically. Writing the blog is a very 21st century way of communicating directly with my peers without the meddling influence of publishers, editors or channel execs telling you what to do and how to do it. It has been a cathartic and liberating experience.

The Observer: Why are you calling it a day?

TVC: I've been writing this now for 6 months straight updating it virtually on a daily basis which is quite a hefty amount of time and energy writing about the manic world of television.

Not to mention keeping my identity a secret which is almost a full time job in itself. I have lost count of the times my colleagues have asked me who i think is behind the blog and keeping things hidden is quite a stressful burden to carry.

I feel the time is right to take a rest, park the character of 'TVC' and his world for the time being and go back under the radar until it’s time to re-ignite things next year. There’s still a few more surprises left in store for 2008 and beyond.

The Observer: What is it about the TV industry that is so ripe for satire right now?

TVC: I started the blog in April 2007 just before the fakery scandal and crisis in viewer trust broke; little did I know the blog would become a fantastic off-the-record news source for what was happening inside White City at the time. I certainly didn’t join the bandwagon of self-flagellation going on at the BBC or use this blog as an excuse to attack Mark Thompson. I’m not a bitter disgruntled programme maker. I think history will remember Thompson as someone who made the right choices, ultimately. Job cuts are hard but so is working in an overstaffed bureaucratic-heavy organisation where lifers work with impunity no matter how useful their job role.

At the time when i started the blog it felt like no-one was pointing out how overblown, melodramatic and, frankly, ridiculous the TV industry can be or the nitty gritty of how programme makers are put under tremendous pressure to create 'narrative jeopardy' where no jeopardy exists to begin with.

If you'd have come to me 6 months ago and said that Stephen Lambert would one day be out of a job because he sexed up a trailer for a fly-on-the-wall film about the queen I wouldn't have been at all shocked or surprised. My early postings about Lambert showed him to be no longer interested in making programmes for the youth channel and snubbing TVC regularly for the warm bosom of Peter Fincham's higher profile channel. It's very easy to see how this arrogance led to the Crowngate scandal.

The Observer: The world you describe is like a seething basket of vipers. Is it as bad as the way you portray it?

TVC: There are things I've witnessed and wanted to write about but have resisted because it would have compromised me and led to my identity being outed. TV is such a bizarre, neurotic and schizophrenic place to work. It often rewards people whose erratic behaviour and bullying attitudes just wouldn't be tolerated in any other working environment.

The Observer: Your depiction of the meetings, empires, petty behaviour at the BBC is particularly sharp - instantly recognisable for anyone who has worked there - ie VEPVMC in your latest post (i) surely you must have worked at the corp at some point, perhaps you are there now? (ii) what is it about the BBC which so intrigues you as a writer?

TVC: I have worked at the BBC before, but the truth is that I've not had the type of top-level access that I fictionalise in my blog. I don't go to lunch with Mark Thompson or Jana Bennett. It's very much written from an outsider looking in and yet some of the scenarios I write about do obviously happen. When the queen stuff exploded, for example, I wrote a post about Fincham and Lambert waiting to be dressed down by Jana Bennett as 'naughty boys waiting to see the headmistress'. A day later and the media guardian reported it happening exactly like that. Everyone assumed Jana had exploded and she was quite annoyed by this suggestion when questioned at Edinburgh.

The BBC is a bit like a posh public school, anachronistic and old fashioned at times, brilliant and inspired at others. It always amazes me how a company with a guaranteed income of £3billion can be run in such a chaotic fashion. We all fund the BBC so we should care about who runs it and how they go about making programmes, much more so than ITV or Channel 4.

The Observer: Why did you pick Danny Cohen as a (semi-fictionalised) subject..?

TVC: I don't know the guy personally and I have drawn inspiration for the character of ‘TVC’ from lots of TV executives in the industry. I've got nothing personal against Cohen at all and I’d be very surprised if he had taken any of it very seriously.

The Observer: Some have criticised you for anti-semitism. How do you answer that? Why have chosen to make this character Jewish? Would you, as [Stuart Murphy] said, have made such a big deal of his skin colour..?

TVC: I'm a Jew myself so calling me anti-semitic is puzzling, and it strikes me that this is simply the only way that my detractors can have a dig at what I'm doing. If i was Sanjeev Bhaskar I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to write about an Asian channel controller.

I write from the same school of playful self-parody that Larry Sanders or Mel Brooks do. The fact that TVC is Jewish is a very minor part of his character, which is evident by how little his religion has featured in the 240-odd posts I have written.

The Observer: Similarly: How do you answer complaints that it's "bullying" (Stuart Murphy said that), "spiteful and at times downright nasty" (Owen Gibson, Guardian journalist)?

TVC: It surprises me when journalists or former channel controllers think the blog is bullying or nasty. The loyal readers who work lower down the TV food chain have never accused it of these things. It’s the same as saying that the 'Vicar of St Albans' in Private Eye was "spiteful" towards Blair and The Thick Of It was “nasty” towards Alistair Campbell. I suppose some people are too close to what I write about to understand the subtle nature of the satire.

The Observer: Why the anonymity? Would it really be career-ending, or might you not end up lauded as someone who exposed the industry for what it can be, at its shallow sharkpool worst?

TVC: I've heard that very high-powered people in the industry (some of whom feature on the blog) have not seen the funny side to what I'm doing at all. Television is a very small world run as an exclusive club and doors would certainly shut in my face after the storm I've caused. I have a successful career which I cannot risk jeopardising.

The Observer: There are those who say, so many details are spot-on that you have access to DC's diary. Can you scotch some rumours? Are you James Herring? Steven D. Wright? Are you two people?

TVC: Who I am is not important. What is more important is who I'm writing this blog for. I'm writing it for the footsoldiers of the TV industry who have no public voice, who are expected to lie to contributors, visit sink estates and persuade single mums to sell their soul, sign away their European working time directive on working hours, have no job security, slog their guts out for months on end without holiday pay and then see people like the fictional ‘TVC’ steal their ideas and take all the glory. If you look back at the over-stressed, torn-to-pieces P/D in my 'secrets of editing' post, that's who the blog is written for.

The Observer: So who are you..?! Do you work in the indy sector, tell us that much?

TVC: I am an established programme maker who has won awards and achieved critical acclaim. I love modern TV and formats, I am not some old school disgruntled programme maker with an axe to grind. I simply wish the BBC, Channel 4 and other channels were more honest about how the industry really works.

The Observer: What kind of feedback have you been getting from industry insiders? Any angry emails? Have you heard from industry bosses?

TVC: If you'd have told me that over 200,000 people would end up reading the blog I'd never have believed you. I’ve had hits from all over the world, from the Disney studio lot in Hollywood to Dominos Pizza headquarters in New York to the Houses of Parliament. The themes I address obviously resonate with a wider audience other than just the media classes.

It always amused me that lonely perverts who googled ‘sex & animals’ would regularly come across a post I wrote about a fictional animal therapy TV format from Ricochet (makers of It’s Me or the Dog) and gain this unexpected insight into the world of TV!

The level of support from well known industry figures has been surprising. I have received words of encouragement and tip-offs from indie bosses, former channel controllers, commissioning editors, producers and lots of anonymous insiders. I think the worst email I ever got was from Daisy Goodwin, who simply said: "take me off your email list". One big player - who I would never dream of naming - said the blog was "the highlight of my day" and that I was "nothing short of a phenomenon, darling".

I think that's why i was always a bit surprised when the press would use words like "despicable" or "disgusting" or "spiteful" ... That certainly wasn't the kind of feedback I was getting on a daily basis from the industry.

Friday, 2 November 2007


Gobsmacked. I sat in silence at my desk as the rage built inside me. I feel badly let down. Distraught, actually. How can I show my face in the corridors of White City now? I have mustered all my energies into this big push, encouraged by the people I've trusted. The people who helped poach me from Channel 4; the very people who I have always placed my absolute faith in. I did everything - from meeting the great unwashed in Glasgow to bloody showing my face at these awful events.

What a HUGE fucking mistake. I have exposed my ambitions in a way that makes me a laughing stock in the industry.

Well fuck The Corporation.

And fuck them all.

Stabbed in the front

DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:18:31 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: Corporation One Controller Application


I’m stunned. Was there anything in particular that hindered my application?? I thought you had given me assurances last week that I had (and I quote) “a very strong chance of securing the position” especially having revitalised the Youth Channel with appointment-to-view squelchiness.

Despite this admittedly devastating setback, rest assured that I will continue to do the job I was hired for and re-energise the Youth Channel going forward.

Best wishes

TO: Hincksy@EndemolGlobalUKInc.Com
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:21:14 +0100

Fucking asexual workman-like boot wearing stuffy bitch!!!!!!!!! Fifi has fucked me over for sure. And I cannot fucking believe they are even considering that Tranter witch over me!!!!!


DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:25:02 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

I would like to formally terminate our 26-month Brand New Me contract. I am aware this will be to great financial cost to myself but I cannot continue with this marriage of convenience any longer, James.

It pains me to say that I feel badly let down by you and your agency’s inability to secure me the Top Job.

Ciao, and thanks for the memories,


DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:03:02 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: Swishing Format

Where were you when I needed you the most?????

DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:06:24 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: good luck today!

I thought I had your backing for the Top Job? The world is changing son, and I worry that you're going to be left well behind.

Fuck you,

DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:07:24 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

Don't you have any fucking power left anymore? Or were you just humouring me over lunch last week??


DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:08:41 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: The Wall talent sign-off

Kleiny says you’re supporting Tranter over me??? Explain. Is this some RSC fucking drama mafia connection???

I’m bitterly disappointed in you


DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:10:12 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

Anthony- get me Clifford on the fucking phone NOW! I need to get hold of some dirt on Tranter. And do NOT put any journos through to me, especially those cunts Glibson, Conlan and Norman.

TO: Rt Honourable James Purnell MP
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:19:40 +0100
SUBJECT: Any openings?


I would like to be considered for any future Ministerial posts that might become available in your department. As a young firebrand creative leader, I have all the necessary skills to be an asset in your team. (I also went to school with both the Milliband brothers).


TO: Applications@HarvardBusinessSchool.Com
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:23:01 +0100
SUBJECT: Fast track application?

Dear Sir / Madam

I would like to enquire about your Dual Semester Fast-track Advanced Senior Media Executive Consolidation and Expansion Course 2007/8. I am the Youngest Controller in British Broadcasting history (by 9 months) and I would like to find out if you could squeeze me on your new course starting next week?

Best wishes


DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 13:26:02 +0100
SUBJECT: Corporation One Controller Application

Dear TVC,

On behalf of The Corporation, I would firstly like to thank you for taking the time to take part in the formal internal application process for the role of Controller of Corporation One.

As you can imagine for such a prestigious job, the calibre of applicants was extremely high.

Unfortunately, after very careful thought, on this occasion you have not been selected to go through to the next stage of the internal interview round.

Once again thank you for your application, and we wish you the very best of luck in the future.

Yours sincerely


still waiting...

13.10: Snuck out to the canteen. Felt all eyes were on me. Noticed Jane Tranter looking very pleased with herself. What's going on?

12 noon: Nothing has come through yet from top brass on either my email, blackberry, direct line, mobile or on the ringmain... but I know it's only a matter of hours now. Have locked myself away in my office to work on my acceptance speech whilst Anthony decorates the office with balloons and party banners in readiness for the party later on.

Richard not Judy

A bottle of MOËT is chilling in the fridge and Anthony is rushing about making frantic last minute arrangements so there's an Ariel photographer present when my appointment is announced on the Ringmain later today.

For the special occasion I am wearing a cashmere blend knit jumper (that I picked up in Scotland on my travels) and simple chinos. It is understated and says I am approachable, friendly, a safe pair of hands, and most of all - that I would never dream of fucking over The Queen.

What better way to start the first day of my soon-to-be new empire at White City than with the sun shining down and Richard & Judy announcing they are free agents? Richard is coming in to see me next week (I knew wooing Amanda Ross would pay off) and I cannot wait to float my new idea past him for Corporation One's primetime Sunday evening show called "Richard NOT Judy" ( in which Richard hosts an itchy chat show and 'virtual' Judy joins via live satellite link up from her boudoir, reclining in a black-lace negligee and sipping on a glass of chilled Chardonnay)

The grannies will love it. Fuck yeah!!

The TVC Years they'll call it (maybe Maggie Brown will write a book about me? Must lunch her ASA-fucking-P)

I put my feet up on my desk, ordered a double espresso, and waited...

Thursday, 1 November 2007

Stephen Lambert's CV

Fuck me, guess which persona non grata has just emailed!

SUBJECT: Coffee?

As the architect (and founding member) of itchy reality factual formats, I feel you and I have always had a lot in common. We both understand what the kids want to watch (scraps, conflict, jeopardy etc). Now that I have left RDF Media I feel it is the right time to try my hand in commissioning. I'm keen to know if you could use someone at the Youth Channel with my track record in building core programming brands from creative kernels and jumpstarting teams?

CV attached.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Shit - there is no way on earth I can be associated with this cockcheese! What if IT were to find out I was in email dialogue with him?? Imagine the fall out for my media brand if some tabloid hack ran a scurrilous "new Mothership Controller considers Lambert for key post" headline??

I immediately hit delete and ask Anthony if its possible for old emails to be saved in some central server or something. I cannot risk there being any fucking trace of Lambert's approach to me.

Must admit though, it's funny how the mighty have fallen. Next thing you know he'll want to start making 'serious' 'organic' sob-umentaries!!