Thursday, 17 May 2007

Big Gay Fat Men in TV

Simon Arkwright III is a big gay fat man. Some would say infact the biggest, gayest, fattest man in television. There's nothing in the world of cheap entertainment he doesn't know. In fact, he's the kind of big fat man my parents warned me about when I told them I'd got a job as a researcher in television. Tele-what?! My poor old father exclaimed. You must be off your rocker boy. That kind of work is full of seedy old men; fat old men. Bloated, gay, fat men! Why don't you do something respectable like law? You could be an academic, so why-oh-why would you choose TV?

Even when I was heading up Factual at C4, Simon was constantly harrassing my PA to come and pitch me. I'll give him something though; he knows how to pick gorgeous Oxbridge graduate development researchers. It certainly makes for a pleasant diversion when you're sitting through yet another fucking stealth list show idea.

So, I notice, Simon the Third has put in a THREE-FUCKING-HOUR brainstorm with myself, Lucy and Ben Gale for the 4th June. Can't see how I can wriggle out of this one.

Perhaps I could take a leaf out of Higson's book over at C4, the professional northerner. He's recently perfected the WAP approach to creative meetings: Walking And Pitching. Very lazy, really, because half the time is spent dodging traffic and crossing roads on the way to your destination (in his case, the Thames), and making idle chit-chat about what to do with the output of his department; and the rest of the time is spent feeding fucking ducks and saying things like 'keeping it organic and real' and wanting your shows to be 'human'.

If this was maths, the sum would be:

1/3 small talk
1/3 commissioning editor bollocks-speak
1/3 walking
+ bread to feed ducks
= a successful meeting

Have asked my PA to see if there's a pond in close proximity to White City.

No comments: