Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Getting naked with Richard Woolfe

Who should I bump into at the Finchley O2 Centre gym this morning but Richard Woolfe, head of Sky One.

AKA The Cunning Wolfster
AKA The Gayest Straight Man in TV
AKA WolfSlime.

He insisted on showering in the cubicle directly opposite mine and flaunting his bubble pecs and botox-injected arse cheeks right in my face.

I couldn't help but notice the fake tan puddle building up at his feet, a dark treacle-like syrup trickling across the tiles and into a nearby drainhole.

[He really needs to find a better tanning shop.]

Fresh from his 'unfortunate' unfair dismissal court case he scrubbed and boasted about his forthcoming "seminal Autumn line-up" and how he didn't need "that fucking channel five judas" Hannah Barnes (who she?) to help him build a distinctive schedule in multichannel.

I was finding it difficult to concentrate... my eyes were glued to the Wolfster's energetic, over enthusiastic genital lathering. He was really fucking going for it!!

Finally I came up with a half-decent putdown of his recent output: "Everything OK with Ross Kemp? I only ask because he came to see me last week. He's looking for a fresh challenge on a much bigger platform, apparently"

Luckily The Wolf didn't hear me. He was too busy singing 'Dancing Queen' at the top of his lungs, using the Nicky Clarke 'Smooth It All Over' shampoo bottle as a mic.

His day will come... but until then perhaps I should keep in his good books.

(After all, he might be able to put in a good word for me with Rupert.)

My destiny does not lie in obscure multichannel.

Oh no.

I've got way bigger fish to (gently pan) fry!


Harriet Hamster said...

Poor Richard all those years being Esthers slave on That's Life !
Bound to have left a scar...
Did the dog really say sausages ???

Where is Paxman ? he's been off three weeks Newsnight- goes off air soon for the Summer !!
His salary of one million for being an anchor that never shows up Bit OTT

Emily Bell said...

Oh do keep up TVC! Hannah Barnes used to work with Richard at Flextec before it became part of Virgin Media. She was in charge of Living I think. He took her with him when he went to Sky officially to be his editorial second in command, although ostensibly became his enforcer charged with doing all the ‘dirty work’. She left last year to go to five I believe.