Saturday, 19 July 2008

Shag, Marry, Kill or Commission?

To keep myself amused I often play a game with grovelling producers who line up outside my office waiting to pitch me their latest ideas, called:


Whilst they stand around nervously, chatting last minute detail about 'interactive added value', I mentally imagine who I'd prefer to shag, marry, kill or commission. You'd be surprised at some of the fruity combinations I've come up with!

For example, I'd commission Richard McKerrow but probably not fully shag him (a blowie is probably my limit if I had to). I might go a couple of rounds with Hincksy (but hate myself in the morning) and I'd definitely 'do' Camilla Lewis AND commission her, marry her and, most likely, kill her too.

See how much fun you can have?!

[Although once I bumped into both The Wolfster and Sir Yentob in a Corporation lift... and suffered mental anguish for days afterwards. Some decisions in life - thank fuck - don't have to be taken.]

This amusing executive de-stress game of mine inspired my latest, fantastic new youth format SNOG, MARRY, AVOID? which by now you will have all seen and enjoyed. Not only have I invented the world's first 'make-under' TV format, but I believe it is the first time a 'virtual assistant' has been used in a primetime features slot. Not since the heady sci-fi days of 2001: A Space Odyssey has the use of a pointless flashing light been so revolutionary.

Fuck, I'm way too good for this Corporation.

Inspired by its HUGE ratings success, I have decided to conduct the first ever straw-poll of industry big-wigs to discover exactly how important sex appeal is in getting ahead in the world of British broadcasting.

Here in the land of the TV controller gods we all know that getting pitched to by a sexy nymphet is far preferable than a grumpy northerner, or - god forbid! - those wretched regional scallies from Wales.

So from the following randomly selected beautful people please select who you would prefer to SHAG, MARRY, KILL or COMMISSION?

Tommy Nagra
Dan Trelford
Dominic Crossley-Holland
Grainne Lyons
Gurdip Bhangoo
Janet Lee
Lauren Hennessey
Lisa Dunn
Martin Davidson
Michael Jackson
Nick Mirsky
Nick Woodroffe
Sara Ford
Sara Hardy
Tim Martin
Adam Kemp
Carla-Maria Lawson
Charlotte Moore
Eamon Hardy
Jacqueline Hewer
The Wolfster
Rosalind McInnes
Anne Mensah
Meredith Chambers
Basil Comely
Perry Mansell
Ben Evans
Caroline Ormerod
Diana Kyle
Foz Allan
Dave Gravy
Gaynor Holmes
Havia Taylor
John Yorke
Cunton Allen
Lucy Hetherington
Andy Zein
Mark Freeland
Alan Hayling
Timothy Hincks
Amanda Ross
Annabel Raftery
Charles Brand
Clare Paterson
Daisy Goodwin
Denys Blakeway
Simon D Arkwright III
Elodie Gornall
James Burstall
Justin Gorman
or Sophie Gratton

Your vote counts. All comments are confidential and the results will be revealed someday


Anonymous said...

This looks like an interesting course TVC. You may wish to bring it to some of your underlings attention?

''The Holby Academy For Commissioning Executives is now open for business.

It's aim is to help create the future masters of the commissioning universe with an exciting and wide ranging curriculum, including -

How to recognize shit from shinola

How to pity writers more than scold them

How not to dumb down a great idea

There are more than six actors out there

Quality is better than ..... well just about anything

Redundancy isn't the end of the world.

The course will consist of an evening in the pub where invited special guests such as those that brought you Rock Rivals and Harley Street will attend then shut the fuck up and listen.

To take advantage of this fabulous opportunity at the low low cost of 5 grand a head [including open bar - there will be writers present hence the cost.] please make cheques payable to English Dave [Liberia] Inc - together with a photo, c.v and a statement of how you see the future of television in relation to your pension.

Anonymous said...

your insider status is confirmed as Ive never heard of any of these people. there is such a thing as being too specific. think of the little people.

Anonymous said...

If Alan Yentob was a Sir he would be Sir Alan, not Sir Yentob. Seeing as you ask for correct spelling on a CV you should perhaps something small like this correct.

Anonymous said...

I think you've misspelled Cunton Allen.

Isn't it just one 'l'?

Bintyd said...

I think Snog, Marry, Avoid is just another nail in the coffin of good television. It is mindless. While the US is making shows like The Wire, you are trying to spend the least amount of money whilst making sure that you further dumb-down the entire nation. Proud...?

Documentaries said...

If Alan Yentob was a Sir he would be Sir Alan, not Sir Yentob. Seeing as you ask for correct spelling on a CV you should perhaps something small like this correct.