Wednesday, 27 October 2010


DATE: Wed, 27 Oct 2010 18:12:05 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: one channel; one love

Can you book in some face-time next week so we can discuss these exciting plans? Specifically, on slide 32 of your powerpoint One Love: Programming, Synergy and Strategy 2012 you mention a complete channel rebrand (including stationery)? Are you sure this is prudent?

Whilst I admire your youthful enthusiasm over the last couple of days and your desire to get started 'with a bang', given the treasury announcements I hope you understand that we cannot be seen by our (many) enemies to be spending money on cosmetic changes of any sort.

I love the idea of various ethnically diverse 'No.1' figures of different sizes flying from all parts of the UK map to reveal a giant pulsating 3D 'ONE', inside of which will feature our key channel faces and serial drama brands morphing into one another, but perhaps this is something we could revisit in the spring when the heat is off...

Fifi x

PS. Will we see you tonight for a celebratory drinky-poo in Rm 3702 (outer corridor near Studio 5) in honour of your new appointment??!

Monday, 25 October 2010

Jay Hunt's awful autumn slate

Oh. My. Fucking. Christ.

I've just had some dull 50 year old woman in my office (my Channel Commissioning Executive, apparently) pitching me the forthcoming autumn slate which Jay Hunt greenlit just before leaving.

Top of the list (!) is Alesha Dixon's new chat show which she promises me is going to 'go beyond chat to reveal the raw emotions of all her guests', and in a 'genius new twist' will feature a house band made up of ex-members of real famous bands.... Some Countryside Dreams series which allows ordinary members of the public a chance to win a job as a market stall holder in Wiltshire..... Some horrendous puffpiece with the nation's darling Gloria Hunniford traveling the world on the trail of the honey bee called Hunniford Hunts Honey...some yawn-tastic nature spin-off called Autumnwatch Goes Urban where the team are based in Coventry and will be showing the public the truth behind the secretive nightime world of rats.....A complicated studio interactive thing hosted by Gary Lineker... A disappointing paint-by numbers Dame Judy Dench drama series based on her life story...


I am going to have to slash and burn my way through this lot, because it simply will not suffice.

Where is the itchiness? Where is my voyeurtainment? Where is the drama? Hasn't anyone watched the youth channel output of the last 3 years, and seen what I've achieved?!! I have shown time and time again that we needn't shy away from uncomfortable topics (provided we have the right celebrity angle). We should be embracing the edgy mainstream - not simply being content in some wishy-washy shiny floor universe where people are always happy.

Where's the itchy posh-out-of-water formats like my outstanding footballer series which really highlighted the the important issues of living in a modern day slum?

I get on the blower to Tricky Dicky at Love and tell him to get a 10 x 60' edgy mainstream reality format on my desk by the end of the week. If anyone can transform a dire social issue into light entertainment, it's Tricky.

Friday, 22 October 2010

My Exciting New Image

The Headmistress has asked whether I am going to be updating my image, or as she put it "align your new look to the new grown-up responsibilities that await you". She wants me to embrace a Brand New Me and ditch the ‘horrid’ T-shirt, blazer and jeans look which I’d been sporting at the end of my (triumphant) reign at the Youth Channel.

She feels I need to make a serious statement of intent…a haircut that will ensure people take me seriously. Something that will enable me to sit down with Paxo and the cardigan crew at Panorama and not feel out of my depth.

...Youthful but with gravitas
...Sharp yet soft around the edges
...Timeless not trendy

Glancing around at my peers for inspiration, I was thinking about something like this

Thursday, 21 October 2010


DATE: Thurs, 20 Oct 2010 09:38:12 +0100
SUBJECT: Modules

Firstly, on behalf of everyone in the Executive Talent Board office here on the 6th Floor of Television Centre, congratulations on your exciting new position at Corporation One. We all hope your stay with us is a little longer than the previous incumbents (Channel 4, ITV and Five really aren't all that they are cracked up to be, believe us!)

As mentioned thoroughly - and I hope succinctly - during your exit interview from the Youth Channel, we have had to review our records in respect of your One People, One Nation - The Excellence Performance Chart and we have noticed that you have not completed all the safety modules in the Ensuring Safety: Lessons in Value and Building Viewer Trust for The Future training course.

You’ll be pleased to know that these can be easily completed online (estimated time of completion including video and interactive elements is just 6.5hrs).

Unfortunately, until Talent get receipt of these modules being successfully completed they will be unable to issue your new contract.

The modules include:

Cables: Proper use and storage on location (includes using multiple power supplies, other general electrical safety and understanding operational risks)

Studio Shooting: Live, As-live and Pre-record Dos and Don’ts [Note: This is an essential component for all Execs involved in this year's Strictly Come Dancing]

Who's Health is it Anyway? (includes correct deskspace management guide and how to prevent musculo-skeletal stress and injury)

NB: Given the spending cuts announced yesterday by the government, whilst you may have once been entitled to claim Additional Work Relief expenses for 6.5 hours of time spent carrying out this vitally important Personal Gateway Development Plan, unfortunately as from today, dated 21st October 2010, this personal development must be purely undertaken outside of your contractually stated hours at no additional cost to the license fee payer.

I am sure that you understand.


Training and Development, Executive Talent
Rm 3546

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

My vision for ONE

Only 48hrs into the big new job and I've already formulated a 'holistic' channel vision powerpoint that I am excited about presenting to my new commissioning colleagues. I've prepared an exciting range of buzz words I cannot wait to unleash on the Broadcasting world. There's a lot riding on this meeting. Time for Kleiny and the other culture vultures to see what I'm fucking made of:

Thai Chicken Family. As in my channel needs to shed the Egg and Cress Sandwich viewer and embrace the Thai Chicken Salad Wrap Family; more vibrant, spicy and 'now'.

Canapé content. As in our viewers do not want to feel bloated after a night's viewing so we should offer them more choice in bite-sized morsels.

Vapour. As in the channel brand should feel 'cool' but also mysterious, hard to pin down and identify - like a vapour mist.

Indigestible. As in 'fuck me did you see the last episode of The Bill, it was sadly indigestible.'

Voyeurtainment. A canny combination of both the visceral and voyeuristic thrill of watching real people doing extraordinary things on TV.

Big things lie ahead in the poly-platform voyeurtainment landscape of The Mothership.

I have finally arrived at the top table and I won't let my supporters down

Monday, 18 October 2010

I'm Torn


It's been a long time since I last wrote, and a great deal has happened both to my career and the wider broadcasting landscape.

On Friday the best kept secret around Television Centre was finally revealed to the masses.

Fifi immediately asked me: 'Do you want to resurrect that blog you once wrote?'

I must admit, a shiver of excitement rushed through me. I'd enjoyed revealing my true self to you, my wider audience, during those heady moments when I first started out running the Youth Channel.

But then I grew tired of the responsibility I started to feel as I shared the pain in trying to convince the likes of Kleiny of my high brand concepts like Itchy Reality™; the criticisms I got from likes of the Smurf, and the snipping from the sidelines that others felt able to thrust towards me.

Fifi has said she thinks running Corporation One and blogging in the same heartfelt and honest way might do me the world of good as I attempt to negotiate the ensuing battles I obviously face taking up the command of the Mothership.

I've told her I'll probably only do it if my erstwhile former school chum Ed Milliband joins me and does exactly the same as he navigates the treacherous course of leading the Labour Party. I need partners. I need soulmates. I don't want to be alone in putting myself out there again in such a painstaking way.

Or maybe I should just be populist as is my want, and put it out there to the vote. Do you want me to return?

Comments are now open, and I shall forward the responses to Fifi before I shift offices on the 6th floor later next week.

Yours in Itchy Reality

The TVCx