Thursday, 20 September 2007

Yo, big up to the TV massive!!!

"Welcome back TVC. I know it's last minute but shouldn't you be at the MOBO awards tonight to keep an eye on your channel's prestigious coverage?" Fifi said as a welcome greeting yesterday.

Fuck me, please no....

Not an evening of swaying to headache-inducing 'rhymes' and aggressive 'gangsta beatz' with all the other white Kidz.

What had I done to deserve such torture?

"Karl Warner is going, perhaps you two could use the time to Blue Sky upload about how we can attract more Me TV viewers."

Aha! An opportunity to show the little squirt who was Boss Man around here.

I called Anthony into my office, told him to drop everything and nip out to Oxford St to find me a suitably hip wardrobe for the evening that would impress the fuck out Karl Warner.

He winked at me, "Leave it to me boss, I'll pimp you up" (whatever this meant)

Three hours later, with bags under my eyes the size of Sky satellite dishes, I stumbled to the O2 Stadium in my new streetsmart gear.

I must admit, I thought I looked cool-as-fuck.

The music was deafening. I spent the evening on the exclusive Youth Channel table, sipping on half a glass of champagne and making small talk with Frank fucking Bruno.

Anthony told me that I should use this 'street sign' when saying hello to anyone black:

Everything was going well until I flashed the hello greeting to Lethal Bizzle - and he flipped out, stormed over, getting 'in my face' (as the kids call it, I believe) asking me "who the fuck" did my "whitey corporate ass" think it was?

I told him to calm down and flashed my Corporation ID badge but he just laughed and called me a "bitch muthafucka".

How rude.

That's the problem with this generation - no fucking respect for their elders!

Still, despite this little hiccup, the evening was a huge success. I thought Shaggy and Jamelia held the whole event together exceptionally well (maybe worth adding to the shortlist to front My New Friday Night Live show?)

It's also given me a cracking new idea.... seeing all the white kids 'shaking their booty' (Karl taught me this phrase tonight, do you like it?) made me realise that I should launch a new 'TOBO Awards' for 2008.

We'll get a famous black person (I'm thinking Moira Stewart and the football player Rio Ferdinand as a combo maybe?) to present the first ever TV Of Black Origin award ceremony.

Not only can I bump up my 12.5% diversity quota but it will score me HUGE brownie points with Fifi and send a noisy message to my Corporation rivals: I will not be moved.

Yeah!! I fucking love my job!! It's great being back.


Anonymous said...

Might I again suggest Kriss Akabusi? Apparently he is black. And the kids on the internet love his erotic "stories".

Anonymous said...

You are an unrecognised genius out there on your own. We'll catch up. Some day.

Anonymous said...

God you are old. And that comes from a disillusioned woman the wrong side of 40.

Anonymous said...

Surprised not to see you at Jana's RTS speech last night, TVC.

Are you being pushed out of the loop??