Friday, 12 October 2007

Chicks with Drills

Oh no, Daisy G has a brand new obsession: power drills.

She is convinced that her NBC (Next Big Commission) is going to come from this plainly ridiculous notion that women are meeting in suburban semi-detached houses across the nation to teach each other how to wield Black n Decker power tools and screw in lightbulbs.

"It's the return of Tupperwear parties!" she screeched down the phone at me. "And another thing TVC. You simply must come to a swishing event I'm throwing next week when I get back from Woodstock."

My heart froze.

Finally, after years and years of secretly dreaming, Daisy had invited me "to swish".

I've studied all the documentaries on swishing (usually aired late night on Five and Bravo) and have always wanted to throw my keys into a pot and take my chances.

"Daisy, I don't know what to say. Am I ready for that sort of thing, do you think? Can't it be a bit, er, embarrassing?"

"God no TVC! Unless you have terrible taste in fashion... which you don't of course!"
(she quickly added)


I immediately swear Anthony to secrecy and instruct him to pop to Ann Summers and pick me up some saucy jock-strap undies and a cock ring.

Mr Know-It-All then points out that 'swishing' is substantially different from 'swinging' and did I know this?

Hiding my embarrassment I say "Of course I know that, cockface" and ring Daisy up to cancel. Phew. Close call.

It turns out thet Daisy is talking about some crazy new trend where you swap clothes with your best mates. And then these PowderPuff girls turn up to do your hair (sounds very girly and incredibly dull).

Not exactly the kind of itchy™ & squelchy™ formats My Channel needs to commission. How the hell can I tell Her Royal Poshness to raise her game without pissing her off for good?


BLTP said...

sadly Desmonds dead but you could get Carol Decker and Roger Black to host the whole thing alternative titles "Plastered & screwing" or "get the Flock outta here"

Anonymous said...

Krisstopher Akabusi should present surely. His dungarees are both itchy and swishy.

Anonymous said...

But naked is the new dressed!

All this is wrong, wrong, wrong.