I need a personal Mission Statement

Surprised to read in today's News of the Screws that Lauren Hennessey might throw her hat into the ring for Head of Corporation One job.

Was I worried?

Fuck no.

In fact a shiver of excitement went through my body at the thought of going one-on-one in a heavyweight Broadcasting bigwig slugfest with the tiny (but perfectly formed) sexy little midget.

I would come out victorious, of course. Besides she's done the job before. Old school; old hat; old g-string knickers (or not).

I called up Daisy G to upload the latest titbits from the gossiping indie classes. I think I must have interrupted her Bikram Yoga session mid-stream as she was out of puff, and all I could hear were women grunting in the background.

After flattering her a bit by saying I loved the noise Bringing Up Baby was creating, Daisy warned me that to succeed I needed my own personal mission statement that clearly defined who I am to Thommo and the Trust.

It should focus on my best personal qualities (good looks, charm, fantastic management bedside manner, etc) and communicate to people how successful I ultimately want to be.

She reminded me that even the precocious art students at Leopard films have posted up their Mission Statement on the wall (printed on a grubby piece of A4):

"We sell carefully crafted ideas to commissioning editors that are HOT and FRESH"

(And this is the best James Burstall's cutting edge 'ethical' indie can come up with??! I must remember to remind Burstall that I couldn't care less how ethical his company is, as long as his ideas are 10 notches above HOT (scorching nuclear holocaust HOT?) and at least fifty times more FRESH than just fresh (line-caught halibut fish FRESH?)

So after spending a few hours consulting the Five-Step Plan for Creating Personal Mission Statements it came to me in a flash.

Succinct.

Catchy.

Encompassing my core brand values and key relationship with Da Kids:

"TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO CHANNEL CONTROLLER HAS GONE BEFORE. TO ALWAYS STRIVE FOR WHAT IS BEYOND THE EVENT HORIZON. TO INNOVATE, MOTIVATE AND CREATIVELY EXFOLIATE, SO THAT I CAN BE THE BEST A MAN CAN BE"

Genius! I doubt Taylor Herring or even Charles Saatchi could have come up with anything better than that.

Tomorrow I will instruct Anthony to print one thousand laminated copies on 3"x3" card to be distributed at all the watering holes throughout the Corporation. And perhaps I might even mount one on my office wall in frosted glass (or should it be coloured perspex?? Will ask Daisy).

The Top Job is mine for the taking mutha-fuckas!!