Monday, 15 October 2007

Fuck Stuart Murphy

I feel betrayed. In today's Media Guardian, Stuart Murphy and his dark forces are gathering their troops and making the first of a series of assaults on my precious empire. Dream on Smurf boy! The top job needs something a bit special, not a kid from the north in an estate agent's suit. They need me: The Special One.

I've been trying to build a relationship with the Smurf but he seems intent on dissing what I'm doing. Reading the article (for the 17th time) I feel that Smurfy doesn't 'get me'. I can't work with anyone who doesn't 'get me' or see where My Channel is coming from.

This Sunday I was supposed to go to this Jewish speed dating event at the e-bar (for 40 and 50 something hot MILFs!) with Smurf as my wingman. Normally, I like having the cheeky northern Smurf at my side as a lucky dating mascot (he's so smooth with the ladies - despite the wicked rumours that Anthony keeps spreading around the doughnut canteen) and the last time Smurfy acted as my wingman I got the phone number (or 'digits' as Smurfy calls them) of Miranda Raison.

[I never had the bottle to actually call her, but that's not the point]

Emailed smurfy:

Subject: the weekend


Nice interview in The Guardian. Love the suit. I'm afraid I will have to cancel our dating event on Sunday, as I have an important meeting with Mark Thompson on Monday to talk through my plans for Corporation One. He is very keen to hear my thoughts on taking the channel forward. I simply cannot risk getting squiffy on white wine spritzers - I know what you're like!
Regards, as ever


Anonymous said...

By 2012 you'll be in Salford and Murphy will have bought his old office back as a trendy media loft-style appartment.

Anonymous said...

That Stuart Murphy is a right cunt. You can see Charlie Parson's hand in him.

The Jewish League of TV Conts. said...

Fuck Smurphy. He wouldn't knwo itchy if it bopped him on the nose.

Anonymous said...

One word titles - arse (my)

Anonymous said...

Smurfy ruined BBC Three, you know.

Anonymous said...

Murphy is indeed a grade "A" twat. The kind of person who insists a documentary on women's boxing (working title "Fight Like A Girl") should be called "Bitches With Gloves" - then gets cold feet days before transmission and it ends up with the crappy title "Ladies Who Punch". A total dickhead, who I will fucking punch if I ever meet him.

Anonymous said...

Stuart Murphy is NOT cold, callus, calculated and is the most talented man to walk this planet.

He's NOT the type whose got no qualms about making heads roll if TV innocents (the truly talented, underpaid and exploited people) don't play by Smurfy's Law.

He's NOT the uncreative type who comes up with ideas like: "let's stick five men in a cave and see what happens"... "Wouldn't it be great to get a gigantic elastic ball and follow it through the UK"...