Fuck Stuart Murphy

I feel betrayed. In today's Media Guardian, Stuart Murphy and his dark forces are gathering their troops and making the first of a series of assaults on my precious empire. Dream on Smurf boy! The top job needs something a bit special, not a kid from the north in an estate agent's suit. They need me: The Special One.

I've been trying to build a relationship with the Smurf but he seems intent on dissing what I'm doing. Reading the article (for the 17th time) I feel that Smurfy doesn't 'get me'. I can't work with anyone who doesn't 'get me' or see where My Channel is coming from.

This Sunday I was supposed to go to this Jewish speed dating event at the e-bar (for 40 and 50 something hot MILFs!) with Smurf as my wingman. Normally, I like having the cheeky northern Smurf at my side as a lucky dating mascot (he's so smooth with the ladies - despite the wicked rumours that Anthony keeps spreading around the doughnut canteen) and the last time Smurfy acted as my wingman I got the phone number (or 'digits' as Smurfy calls them) of Miranda Raison.

[I never had the bottle to actually call her, but that's not the point]

Emailed smurfy:

To: s_murphy@twofourindie.com
From: tvc01@Corporation.co.uk
Subject: the weekend

Stuart,

Nice interview in The Guardian. Love the suit. I'm afraid I will have to cancel our dating event on Sunday, as I have an important meeting with Mark Thompson on Monday to talk through my plans for Corporation One. He is very keen to hear my thoughts on taking the channel forward. I simply cannot risk getting squiffy on white wine spritzers - I know what you're like!
Regards, as ever
TVC