Thursday, 18 October 2007

What the Fuck is Herring up to?

Increasingly alarmed that Herring's slick campaign to raise The Smurf's profile is having a dangerous impact on my own media brand.

I can see what The Dark Lord is up to: in a perfect world, I get the Mothership job, and Murphy gets his old job back at the Youth Channel. Why else would Herring be orchestrating a campaign for The Smurf to speak out defending My Channel left, right and centre? First it was the Guardian, now it's fucking Newsnight! What next? Going on Dickinson Moss and dancing around with 4 poofs and a piano?

Where was MY fucking invite to appear on Newsnight or even The Heaven & Earth show??

How can I be expected to implement my important creative vision with The Smurf snapping away at my heels like a ferocious pug-faced little Chihuahua! Doesn't The Dark Lord think I'm old enough and strong enough to fight my own corner anymore?

I have decided that the only option I have right now is to abide by Herring's oft-quoted slogan: "keep the cunts you hate closer than the dicks you dislike" (he has this hanging up in his ensuite office bathroom)

SUBJECT: Congrats!


You and your team have successfully won our Mexican tender.

Fifi, Ben and myself thought '24hr Mexican Rave' would be a fantastic accompaniment to the next series of Last Twat Standing airing next spring. I love the way we can access the grim poverty of the country through an upbeat mix of hedonistic drugs and music. Let's meet up soon to go over how we can strip it over 2 weeks and build the jeopardy for the live finale.

Also, re: presenters. I have my doubts about Preston from the Ordinary Boys. Can we have a think about someone a bit more screamy™?


Murphy is in my sights now......


Anonymous said...

tvc - relax at the smurf - and explain to me - what this new 're're're're-structure of commissioning at the BBC means - do I pitch my screetchy ideas to Kleiny now? oh my God!

English Dave said...

Smurf has too big a handicap with the words 'former controller' on his CV.

Plus he commissioned Titty Titty Bang Bang.

Anonymous said...

That's one Titty there Mr English Dave. Just one Titty.

Like Diana Moran.

Anonymous said...

"Do more with less" - now that's a challenge. Well, I've just got Philosopher's stone out my bottom drawer and I've been hunting for the soup cauldron... That should do it!

English Dave said...

Indeed! I was thinking of my upcoming ''win a makeover show'' The Sale Of Two Titties

Anonymous said...

I love Stuart Murphy - you'd be hard pushed to find a more unaffected exec in the TV industry... Plus he's a comic genius.

Anonymous said...

I like stuart murphy too. he's not a wanker than the majority of tv tosser execs are. so lay off him.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me, but someone whose standard response to critisisn is 'if you don't agree with me you're wrong and your opinion doesn't count' may be a nice person, but I for one would stop short of not calling him a wanker.