10 Good Reasons why I should get the Top Job

1. What the Corporation needs right now is some uplifting good news, so what could be better than appointing The Youngest Controller of the Mothership in the Entire History of Broadcasting? Think of the positive shockwaves that such a bold move would send around the media world!

2. I have no fucking intention of ever moving up north and running the Youth Channel from this place:



3. I live, breathe, eat, sleep my job. I am single, have no children, and have no other life outside of my career. I challenge Thommo or the Trust to find anyone else who can come even close to matching my unbridled commitment, passion and enthusiasm for media content and delivery.

4. A safe pair of hands: I will never commission ANYTHING from RDF ever again.

5. I am under 40 (by six whole years in fact). The Mothership needs the pure elixir of my youth.

6. I have laid the groundwork for the next generation of ambitious genre-defining concepts like Itchy Reality™, and it would be a huge loss for the Corporation to see them rot away on a digital channel that no-one watches or takes very seriously.

7. It would be a huge loss for the Corporation to see ME rot away on a digital channel that no-one watches or takes very seriously!

8. I could get a sexy female PA of my choosing (maybe even two) and dump Anthony.

9. I am brilliant at handling on-screen talent (such as Anthea Turner) and would look to snatch a whole host of big names straight away (like Derren Brown - perfect to host a revamped 360° Generation Game format)

10. My CV is jampacked with unrivaled experience in all forms of programming: Spunky comedy (Live! Girls! Present Dogtown), Shouty multimedia entertainment (incl my shiny floor forthcoming studio show The Wall), sensitive, thought-provoking documentaries (Help I Smell of Fish!), High Impact drama (Skins) and Noisy Reality (two series of The Games).

What fucking more does Thommo want from me??!

[I am also in the process of getting a written reference from Barack Obama, after my dialogue with him and his team earlier this year. If that doesn't swing it, I'll eat my favourite corduroy jacket!]