Monday, 11 June 2007

Lauren Hennessey's beaver

My hands are still trembling as I write this. I have just got out of *the* most erotic pitching experience of my (young) life. Now, I'm no stranger to turning on the flirty charm when it suits me, but Lauren Hennessey has just gone beyond the call of duty!

We were reclining on one of my Philippe Starck black leather sofas having a delightful chat about her mega-indie buying up some no-name wonders in Brighton to expand their 'regional footprint' when I glimpsed the most haunting sight I (or anyone else for that matter) could EVER wish to see at 11.30 on a Monday morning.

Lauren (wearing a sharp A-line power skirt) uncrossed her legs V...E...R...Y ... S...L...O...W...L...Y in what can only be described as 'Doing a Sharon' giving me an uninterrupted tunnel-like view down her milky white thighs.

Oh! My! Fucking! God!

....She was not wearing - (how can I best put this?) - any lady undergarments. In fact, to Lauren's grooming credit, she was plucked, pruned and sculpted to within an inch of her life. (I had no idea Nicky Clarke now did this sort of styling)

In an instant all my Linda Fiorentino fantasies had come true! I must have stammered mid sentence because she smiled to herself and continued to outline a big new provocative studio entertainment idea (20-hours worth) called Scratch My Back and I'll Scratch Yours hosted by Jimmy Carr (Couples vs Couples with big money prizes on offer etc etc etc).

At the end of the meeting I stood up awkwardly trying to cover my trouser tent. On the way out she pecked me on the cheek and purred knowingly: "So I'll take it you're interested then? Or is that a Greg Dyke hiding in your pocket?"

I was mortified. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights I immediately agreed to develop the show and promised her £25k.

(Afterwards Anthony had to rush to the canteen to get me a bucket-load of some ice-cold bottled Evian).


thegirl said...

I'm disappointed. Surely you should have a large personal stash of Kabbalah Mountain Spring Water to douse yourself with?

Tacky Bell said...

Now that's a show I'd watch: NC's Beaver Styling Masterclass. And I'd be quite happy with the dam building beavers too, before you get any funny ideas.

former beeba said...

Lorraine Heggessey??? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Man, there's no way I'd want to catch a glimpse of hers. But if I did, I bet it would be trimmed to within an inch of its life. Jesus, were you sitting on the floor? She's mini.

Kate said...

Methinks that Lauren Hennessy is one of the few TV execs who truly understands what you mean by Itchy Reality.

Especially about three days after a Brazilian...