Wednesday, 17 October 2007

Is my job safe?

Called Anthony into the office, put my feet on the desk and barked: "What's happening in my empire, cock?"

He handed me a secret job cut memo he'd pinched from Fifi's assistant's desk. It confirmed all my suspicions about where the jobcuts will fall:

20% Staff Directors (Ego maniacs with no films who are now stuck in development at a cost of £1400 per week)

20% Producers (Feeding the bloated egos of staff directors with ideas to pitch in weekly meetings to Exec Producers)

10% Exec producers (Acting as filters for good ideas telling commissioning executives what to think)

30% Commissioning Executives (Whose only function it seems is to second guess and decipher the whims of important controllers. Like me)

10% New Media (3G content functionality wafflers and assorted techno wankers)

10% Scheduling (How many fucking people does it take to decide when to air a programme? I can do this with my eyes closed)

Has my beloved world of TV gone completely and utterly fucking insane??

Anthony also tells me that twinkle toes Andy Zein is jostling for poll position in the race for the top prize. Fifi is supporting the youthful munchkin because of his favourable links with the indie sector and ability to secure top level talent. (I immediately make a mental note to email top talent cock Perry Mansell to arrange a lunch.)

Anthony tells me not to fret, however, because he's heard that she is a little concerned about his lack of programme making experience.

(Shit! Since when has not making programmes ever been a problem for Fifi???)

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Andy Z? Christ, another billionaire channel controller! I think not.

English Dave said...

An insider has told me to bet the ranch on John ''Yorkie Bar Kid'' Yorke.

Mind you it's the same source who told me Fincham was safe as houses.

Anonymous said...

The question is surely not who to fire, but who NOT to fire?

Hands up all over the place. "Not my fault, sir! She pulled my hair!!"

O-level said...

Please answer BOTH questions on this page, writing in black or blue ink:

Statement - "Radio news is expected to be hardest hit, with estimated cuts of around 50%." (Guardian Online)

1. Can a working department lose 50% of staff and maintain integrity? Give reasons for your answer.

2. If a department can afford to lose 50% of staff without being fatally damaged, what sort of atrotious management led to such gross over-employment in the first place? Please spell all names correctly in your answer.

Anonymous said...

Well Mr Andrew Zein was production runner on 'The Crying Game'! That must count for some programme making experience?

Anonymous said...

This is a very sad day for the BBC...






Adrian Chiles is still presenting The One Show.

square eyes said...

Personally I'm going to get my subscription to lovefilm ramped up.

Anonymous said...

it's not that bad - surely - 'always look on the bright side of life' dududum

Anonymous said...

Sir Lion said that the Trust will be keeping a close eye to make sure that quality is kept up.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck we HE doing on Newsnight? All squeeky and if you don't agree with me you're wrong! Where was the real controller?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MndC0vtT4J0

Anonymous said...

Remember what happened to Chauchescu. It's time for us to rise and reclaim our BBC from these self agransising, justifying nutters.

Spango said...

re. The Smurf getting scissored on Newsnight, was there really any point saying viewers are promiscuous one minute and then insisting they need their own channel the next? If those 16-24's they keep banging on about have no channel loyalty, why spend all those hard earned licence fee payers' pounds on it? it don't mean nuffink to da kidz.

Anonymous said...

12 million kidz a week. Shurely shom mishtake? Hic!

Anonymous said...

surely the smurf must be leading the pack now for the top job? he's all over the news outlets!

Anonymous said...

"It was not understood that when the audience is invited to make choices within programmes, the producer is effectively ceding part of his/her sovereignty over editorial decisions," Mr Grade said.

He hasn't understood that this is "itchy" television and should be welcomed.