Rap the Iraq War

At last! Brian Hill has finally come up with something worthwhile for me to consider commissioning. It's noisy, shouty, young and very fucking itchy.

Rap The Iraq War is a 90 minute special that I can play straight after the new series of kung-fu-tastic Phoo Action. I am very fucking excited.

Let me explain:

Hill's preferred soft Yorkshire poet Simon Armitage has spent a few weeks hanging with some former soldiers who have recently returned from Basra and has managed (admirably) to piece together some kind of narrative detailing their experiences "fighting the enemy". For once, his pseudo-realist poetry actually works!

The TV composer Danny Pemberton has been commissioned to create a musical piece full of "thunder, reckoning and remorse" to accompany the words, and some of Brian's lackies have gone onto the streets to film vox-pops with under-16s that can slot into the musical intervals to add realism and relevance for my hard-to-please demographic.

But my biggest coup by far will be the exclusive appearance of Lethal Bizzle, who I am reliably told is one of the country's hottest up-and-coming grime artists (whatever that means). He's agreed to do an exclusive 2 minute rap and create some "beats 'n shit."

[I'm praying that this Lethal chap won't remember the last time we bumped into each other at the MOBOs.]

I don't think I'm over-egging the project by predicting that this film could very well be the Apocalypse Now for my young and itchy generation.

Commissioning Code of Conduct

Whilst I am all for greater co-operation and understanding between people like me and people like them, I do think McVay and his feeble PACT chums have taken a rather over-the-top approach to that delicate relationship between over-stressed Commissioner and thoroughly-expendable Worker, with this new, frankly ridiculous code of conduct:

FROM: john.mcvay@pact.co.uk
TO: roly@corporation1.co.uk; roly@corporation2.co.uk; TVC01@corporation.co.uk; janice@corporation4.co.uk; jbellamy@channelfour.co.uk; grade@itv.com; ben.gale@five.tv
CC: woolfster@skyone.com; youngspunk@itv2.com; jhunt_tv_flirt@hotmail.com
DATE: Tue, 25 Mar 2008 09:38:12 +0100
SUBJECT: CCC (Commissioning Code of Conduct)

Dearest colleagues,

I think I've managed to fudge together a code of conduct that will appease the moaning freelance industry just enough to let bygones continue to be bygones. Have a read and if there's anything you really object to, let me know ASAP.

We've got to do a press launch for this next Tuesday. I know it's a little embarrassing, but any takers to be on the podium alongside me?

Once again, I am sorry it has come to this. I would never - dear God - lay blame at your doors directly for this, but perhaps you would be so kind as to instruct your underlings (for whom I think this is really intended) to take heed of the concerns that the insecure indie sector has on matters like this.

Your humble TV champion,
J

PS Can one of you please remind James Herring he's not allowed to print the CCC on the back of t-shirts and distribute freely at this year's Edinburgh TV Festival? Cheers

COMMISSIONING CODE OF CONDUCT (CCC)
Pact directive 14.3.5(b)
*ratified in accordance with the Broadcasting Act 1996 by PACT board in consultation with Broadcasting organisations within the British Isles & beyond

1. Thou (meaning "the Commissioner") shall not dismiss ideas pitched by producers outright without proper and careful engagement. This means actually listening properly and intently to said idea before rejecting it out of hand based on some lazy outdated or personal idiosyncrasy to do with concept or approach to subject matter

2. Thou shall refrain from obsessive use of meaningless jargon to cover up your complete lack of knowledge and purpose in knowing the type of programmes your boss expects you to commission

3. Thou shall show proper respect (smiling upon arrival, saying hello, shaking hands, making eye contact, remembering everyone's name) to each and every member in attendance at an ideas meeting, no matter how junior and irrelevant they may appear to be

4. Thou shall not use mobile digital devices (such as blackberry's, PDAs, 3G phones etc) during edit viewings, and instead appear keen and alert to the programme you are watching in order to substantiate your important feedback and comments at the end of said viewing

5. Thou shall not make half-baked and ignorant suggestions of 'talent' to front landmark programmes you have commissioned and expect knowledgeable producers to have to deal with your naive wishlists, thus avoiding a huge amount of time and money wasted in the pre-production process

6. Thou shall never offer commissions to preferential producers or directors based on private agreements or 'favours' following previous commissions or places of employment

7. Thou shall not stagger into an edit suite all gung-ho munching on a stinking donor kebab and slugging down a bottle of Kingfisher lager at 11am because you genuinely think it puts you in "the mindset of the youth target audience watching this after the pubs have shut in some shitheap like Rochdale"

8. Thou shall remember that the people who provide you with shows are freelancers who would like to know sooner rather than later whether you will be able to commission their next six-month contract so that they will not go begging to their mortgage lenders looking extremely desperate and weak

9. Thou shall not flirt with the executive producer or series producer in order to cover up your failures at commissioning stage when the shit appears to be hitting the fan during final weeks of the edit

10. Thou shall demonstrate during pitch meetings that you are proud to think independently from your channel controller and are prepared to take risks and stake your beliefs clearly and confidently; that you posses 'balls' in other words by being brave enough not to refer every single idea up the food chain of television command

11. Thou shall appreciate the great lengths your freelance independent producers go to bring you hard-to-achieve access, and show understanding of the intricate difficulties and stresses involved for all footsoldiers involved in gaining said access.

12. Thou shall never reject an idea with the excuse that it is too similar to something else in production, when clearly you have merely run out of ways to say no to a perfectly feasible idea. Nor shall thou patronise the vastly experienced producer by worrying whether his/her ideas will "rate" highly enough for your mediocre and underperforming channel

13. Upon the unlikely event that you have commissioned a hit show, thou shall resist the temptation to heap praise and champagne on the Executive Producer, and instead give the proper credit due to the footsoldiers who have slogged their guts out, cut their weekly rates, and put their homelife on hold in order to deliver the show on time and on budget (and against the odds) thereby saving your arse and keeping you gainfully employed for another year

SIGNED (Commissioning editor/Executive)....................
DATE .............................

Major Security Breach

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: All Departments; All Corporation; All Operations
CC: Ben.Roe@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Mon, 25 Feb 2008 08:10:12 +0100
SUBJECT: Security Threat

It has come to my attention this morning that there has been a major security breach in the building:



Ben Roe has been careless enough to lose his Corporation ID card, which could easily have fallen into the hands of a Shepherd's Bush terrorist cell, or even worse, an investigative journalist from The Sun.

Thankfully my ever vigilant PA Anthony was the first to find it before any serious harm was done.

In these times of heightened security, we must all remember to do our bit to help protect the Corporation from coming under needless attack. As a result of this potentially dangerous loophole in security, I will be implementing a brand new training initiative for all Youth Channel employees entitled: "Keep Your Eyes Peeled: You Are Important in the Global Fight Against Terror" starting lunchtime on Monday the 3rd March for 6 weeks.

Ben, please come immediately and collect your ID from my office.

TVC

51 TV Love Poems by The TV Headmistress

FROM: Herring@DarkLordPR.com
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:27:02 +0100
SUBJECT: The Headmistress

TVC,

Don't take this badly but it appears another one of my clients has decided to branch out into the blogosphere. She's got a new book on the way and thought the idea of keeping a blog charting her progress would be, and I quote, "rather fun".

http://tvheadmistress.blogspot.com/

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.... but then you would know that working at the Youth Channel! (joke)

Rest assured that this is not a conflict of interest for me and I remain totally committed to your 5 year brand strategy (Head of BBC1, President Obama's communications director, Director General etc etc etc)

Yours as ever,

The Dark Lord

An Apology

AN APOLOGY TO TIMOTHY HINCKS, CHIEF CREATIVE OFFICER, ENDEMOL UK

I recognise and accept that a number of statements that I made on my blog “The Secret Diary of a TV Controller (aged 33 and 3/4)”, in particular the posts of 16th June 2007 ("Squash"), 26th August 2007 ("My Edinburgh networking night from hell") and 9th October 2007 ("MIPCOM Madness"), may have caused offence to both Endemol UK and Timothy Hincks through the depiction of the fictional character "Hincksy".

It is important for me to stress that as far as I am aware, the conversations, emails and activities depicted between the characters "Hincksy" and "TVC" never occurred, nor was there any intention to discredit or call into question the professional reputation of Mr Hincks or his employer Endemol UK.

Mr Hincks does not play squash regularly with a channel controller as falsely stated on 6th June 2007 ("Squash"), nor did Mr Hincks describe Melanie Leach, Lisa Opie and Hannah Johnson as the "bitches of Eastwick" whilst attending The Media Guardian Edinburgh International TV Festival 2007, as posted on 26th August 2007 ("My Edinburgh networking night from hell").

I would also like to state for the record that Endemol UK has never represented the international format rights to "Salopes Anglais", the fictitious television reality series described in my blog, nor did they try and sell it at MIP or any other international market, as claimed on the 9th October 2007 ("MIPCOM Madness").

I would like to apologise for any unintentional personal or professional embarrassment or distress that this may have caused, or any confusion that may have arisen from these false statements.

As a demonstration of good will I have agreed to donate an undisclosed figure to Mr Hincks' chosen charity and I trust this matter is now closed.

Yours,
the anonymous author of The Secret Diary of a TV Controller (aged 33 and 3/4)

A sneak preview of Lily

Hello again.

Here's an exclusive 2 minute preview of my forthcoming itchy entertainment show Lily Allen and Friends made by Princess Productions. I must admit I was quite surprised by the tone of it at first but Karl assured me that this is exactly what the kids want to watch these days.

I'm incredibly proud of the way it turned out. It promises to be the Youth Channel's first breakout hit of 2008!

Thanks to...

A big thanks to all of you who made it possible (in no particular order):

James Herring for keeping my identity hush-hush, Steven D Wright for all his indiscreet emails (don't worry I won't show anyone), Fiona Lennon for the iced skinny lattes, James Silver for his great advice, Rowena Gray for being a saint, Michael Gove for staying stum (thank you!), Kevin L for encouraging me during my darkest days, Lucy Lumsden for first rejecting it as a sitcom, Addison for coming up with his own storylines, David Flynn for sorting out the 'Itchy Reality' t-shirts in Edinburgh, Marty Durkin for all those inspiring rants, Andrew O'Connor for teaching me how to play poker, Jemima K for always fighting my corner, Murray for keeping me sane, Martin Davidson for being totally straight with me, Ro Newell for the birthday cake, Will Self for never knowing who I was (and not caring!), Dan Mazer for being a top man, Kufena for offering to sleep with me if I went on Screenwipe, Helena Peacock for the rollerskating lessons, Graham Smith for being a great sub-editor, Jo Shinner for the Anthea insights, Bear for being a pussy, Dan McGolpin for getting drunk to celebrate his mention, David Glover for the NASA contacts, Stuart Murphy for agreeing to play the villain, Rob Thirkell for lending me his signed McGee book, Camila Lewis for having the bottle to wear her old Word outfit in a Brighton hotel room, Danielle Lux for the Pret muffins, Kleiny for keeping me in on the loop, Nigella for taking it on the chin, Charlotte Black for the inside scoop on the "E4 years", Neale Simpson for getting me into Soho House, Ben Gale for showing me his REAL bathroom, Hannah Barnes for the gym story, Wayne Garvie for the anecdotes about Fincham, Gary Reich for the encouragement, Lambert for sexing it up just for me (thanks man, I owe you), Adam Freeland for never pandering to me, Peter for the MGEITF invite, Jon Ronson for his patience, Chris Curtis at Broadcast for being the first hack to support me, the constant smirking from Peter Salmon that kept me going during the early days, Robert Popper for taking the first hits (sorry mate), Mahoney for putting up with my kinky boot fetish, Steve Gowans for our early conversation about myspace, Dom W for giving me her opinions whether I liked them or not, Elaine Bedell for feeding me home-made hummus when the going got tough, Dan Chambers for all the proof reading (slap on back well deserved), Jay Hunt for flirting with me without realising who I was, Dan Hine for the late-night emails, Sue Murphy for the corduroy fashion advice, Yentob for the Groucho cocktails and gossip (I owe you big man), Julian B for his words of wisdom, Riley Anderson for never doubting me, Hincksy for letting me beat him at squash (and the pic of his car), Grimsdale for passing on his literary agent's details, Ben Silverman for being so Hollywood, Jana Bennett for blanking me (twice), Henrietta for introducing me to Dave Gravy, Ralph Lee for asking nasty questions, Simon Shaps for not being in it (no matter how hard he tried), Daisy Donovan for the coffee and salad, Grace Dent for worrying on my behalf, Peter Moore for his (very) dry anonymous comments, Duncan G for his invaluable help with the meaningless commissioning jargon, Claire Grimmond for the long lunches, Remy for being robust but charming, The Wolfster for giving me Murdoch's feedback on the blog, Daisy Goodwin for the encouragement (and help with Mexico), Suzanne Gilfillan for the watch, Tara Conlan for being an absolute star, Lisa O for laughing out loud at her cameo, Holly Pye for the access, Julia Wrigley for spending more time on the blog than on facebook, Andy Mac for thinking I worked at Tiger Aspect, Stephen McCrum for being very bitter, Peter Dale for finally understanding what email is for, Liz Warner for the DVDs, Charlie Brooker for snubbing me, Anna Blue for the cough medicine, Richard Bacon for the story about Ant & Dec, Simon Dickson for using the word 'organic' a record number of times in one pitch meeting, Jay Rayner for worrying that I was going through a midlife crisis and blowing the biggest break of my career, Danny Fenton for the beers and scoop on Jez, Reemah S for brainstorming buzzwords with me, Meredith for the sushi and bitching, Claudia Emery for being so supportive (will you marry me?), Helen Veale for the cycling maps, Lorraine H for inspiring me to write my favourite post, Roy Ackerman & Amanda C for the 'early years' stuff, Helen Bullough for forwarding those emails, Andy Newman for being my ultimate Libertine, Peter F for having a good sense of humour, Ben Frow for the anecdotes (I miss you- please come home), Dawn Porter for supporting me in the press despite the conflict of interest and DC for pretending not to read it. You're a legend. Thank you all and goodnight x

Love, Dominic Vallely xx

The Observer Q & A with the TVC

Journalist James Silver (left) probing the anonymous blogger. Picture courtesy of Rex features.

The Observer: Why did you start writing the blog..? Was there a particular moment or incident..? Was it general exasperation? Describe the origins, where the idea first struck?

TVC (puffing on cigar): I started to get increasingly frustrated and annoyed by the state of TV and some of the attitudes of execs and channel controllers to ordinary programme makers. I started thinking about how many ego maniacs run the industry and yet are completely unaccountable for their actions. Satire was the best way of bringing to light some of these personalities, their monstrous working practices and apathy for the ordinary viewer on the street.

The industry was lacking any kind of satirical comment, especially about the mercurial way channels are run and the dirty habits of how commissioning editors treat their producers. I’ve always enjoyed the irony of how TV channels are obsessed with chasing youth and yet they are mostly all run by middle class, middle of the road, middle aged white men. This inspired me to create the ultimate character who is obsessed with youth, and yet has no clue what the kids really want.

I remember sitting through a Channel 4 briefing when Hamish Mykura said he wanted more programmes that felt like "scaling the north face of the Eiger". Anyone who is seduced by jargon like this is in danger of disappearing up their own arse. Jana Bennett is a prime example of this awful Harvard business school-approach to talking about and making tv, and it is something we should try and resist. And so the concept for 'itchy reality' was born. So, indirectly, we can all be thankful for commissioning editor bollocks speak which has been a big inspiration for my writing.

The blog never intended to create such a fuss, it was merely supposed to be a playful 'poke in the eye' to some of the industry's big self-obsessed egos and a way for me to vent my spleen after a bad day at the office. I would highly recommend starting a fake blog for anyone who wants to engage in a cathartic up yours to their own industry. As long as you can keep your identity hidden, of course.

The Observer: What are you trying to achieve with it...? it strikes me as far more than that just a funny read/office entertainment? Is the aim for it to become, in a wonderful hall of mirrors type way, a Larry Sanders style sitcom..? Is it all one big pitch for a show!?

TVC: Well it's certainly not a pitch for a TV show. I'm not self promoting or trying to make a name for myself. To be honest, the blog just evolved over the first 6 weeks and grew organically. Writing the blog is a very 21st century way of communicating directly with my peers without the meddling influence of publishers, editors or channel execs telling you what to do and how to do it. It has been a cathartic and liberating experience.

The Observer: Why are you calling it a day?

TVC: I've been writing this now for 6 months straight updating it virtually on a daily basis which is quite a hefty amount of time and energy writing about the manic world of television.

Not to mention keeping my identity a secret which is almost a full time job in itself. I have lost count of the times my colleagues have asked me who i think is behind the blog and keeping things hidden is quite a stressful burden to carry.

I feel the time is right to take a rest, park the character of 'TVC' and his world for the time being and go back under the radar until it’s time to re-ignite things next year. There’s still a few more surprises left in store for 2008 and beyond.

The Observer: What is it about the TV industry that is so ripe for satire right now?

TVC: I started the blog in April 2007 just before the fakery scandal and crisis in viewer trust broke; little did I know the blog would become a fantastic off-the-record news source for what was happening inside White City at the time. I certainly didn’t join the bandwagon of self-flagellation going on at the BBC or use this blog as an excuse to attack Mark Thompson. I’m not a bitter disgruntled programme maker. I think history will remember Thompson as someone who made the right choices, ultimately. Job cuts are hard but so is working in an overstaffed bureaucratic-heavy organisation where lifers work with impunity no matter how useful their job role.

At the time when i started the blog it felt like no-one was pointing out how overblown, melodramatic and, frankly, ridiculous the TV industry can be or the nitty gritty of how programme makers are put under tremendous pressure to create 'narrative jeopardy' where no jeopardy exists to begin with.

If you'd have come to me 6 months ago and said that Stephen Lambert would one day be out of a job because he sexed up a trailer for a fly-on-the-wall film about the queen I wouldn't have been at all shocked or surprised. My early postings about Lambert showed him to be no longer interested in making programmes for the youth channel and snubbing TVC regularly for the warm bosom of Peter Fincham's higher profile channel. It's very easy to see how this arrogance led to the Crowngate scandal.

The Observer: The world you describe is like a seething basket of vipers. Is it as bad as the way you portray it?

TVC: There are things I've witnessed and wanted to write about but have resisted because it would have compromised me and led to my identity being outed. TV is such a bizarre, neurotic and schizophrenic place to work. It often rewards people whose erratic behaviour and bullying attitudes just wouldn't be tolerated in any other working environment.

The Observer: Your depiction of the meetings, empires, petty behaviour at the BBC is particularly sharp - instantly recognisable for anyone who has worked there - ie VEPVMC in your latest post (i) surely you must have worked at the corp at some point, perhaps you are there now? (ii) what is it about the BBC which so intrigues you as a writer?

TVC: I have worked at the BBC before, but the truth is that I've not had the type of top-level access that I fictionalise in my blog. I don't go to lunch with Mark Thompson or Jana Bennett. It's very much written from an outsider looking in and yet some of the scenarios I write about do obviously happen. When the queen stuff exploded, for example, I wrote a post about Fincham and Lambert waiting to be dressed down by Jana Bennett as 'naughty boys waiting to see the headmistress'. A day later and the media guardian reported it happening exactly like that. Everyone assumed Jana had exploded and she was quite annoyed by this suggestion when questioned at Edinburgh.

The BBC is a bit like a posh public school, anachronistic and old fashioned at times, brilliant and inspired at others. It always amazes me how a company with a guaranteed income of £3billion can be run in such a chaotic fashion. We all fund the BBC so we should care about who runs it and how they go about making programmes, much more so than ITV or Channel 4.

The Observer: Why did you pick Danny Cohen as a (semi-fictionalised) subject..?

TVC: I don't know the guy personally and I have drawn inspiration for the character of ‘TVC’ from lots of TV executives in the industry. I've got nothing personal against Cohen at all and I’d be very surprised if he had taken any of it very seriously.

The Observer: Some have criticised you for anti-semitism. How do you answer that? Why have chosen to make this character Jewish? Would you, as [Stuart Murphy] said, have made such a big deal of his skin colour..?

TVC: I'm a Jew myself so calling me anti-semitic is puzzling, and it strikes me that this is simply the only way that my detractors can have a dig at what I'm doing. If i was Sanjeev Bhaskar I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to write about an Asian channel controller.

I write from the same school of playful self-parody that Larry Sanders or Mel Brooks do. The fact that TVC is Jewish is a very minor part of his character, which is evident by how little his religion has featured in the 240-odd posts I have written.

The Observer: Similarly: How do you answer complaints that it's "bullying" (Stuart Murphy said that), "spiteful and at times downright nasty" (Owen Gibson, Guardian journalist)?

TVC: It surprises me when journalists or former channel controllers think the blog is bullying or nasty. The loyal readers who work lower down the TV food chain have never accused it of these things. It’s the same as saying that the 'Vicar of St Albans' in Private Eye was "spiteful" towards Blair and The Thick Of It was “nasty” towards Alistair Campbell. I suppose some people are too close to what I write about to understand the subtle nature of the satire.

The Observer: Why the anonymity? Would it really be career-ending, or might you not end up lauded as someone who exposed the industry for what it can be, at its shallow sharkpool worst?

TVC: I've heard that very high-powered people in the industry (some of whom feature on the blog) have not seen the funny side to what I'm doing at all. Television is a very small world run as an exclusive club and doors would certainly shut in my face after the storm I've caused. I have a successful career which I cannot risk jeopardising.

The Observer: There are those who say, so many details are spot-on that you have access to DC's diary. Can you scotch some rumours? Are you James Herring? Steven D. Wright? Are you two people?

TVC: Who I am is not important. What is more important is who I'm writing this blog for. I'm writing it for the footsoldiers of the TV industry who have no public voice, who are expected to lie to contributors, visit sink estates and persuade single mums to sell their soul, sign away their European working time directive on working hours, have no job security, slog their guts out for months on end without holiday pay and then see people like the fictional ‘TVC’ steal their ideas and take all the glory. If you look back at the over-stressed, torn-to-pieces P/D in my 'secrets of editing' post, that's who the blog is written for.

The Observer: So who are you..?! Do you work in the indy sector, tell us that much?

TVC: I am an established programme maker who has won awards and achieved critical acclaim. I love modern TV and formats, I am not some old school disgruntled programme maker with an axe to grind. I simply wish the BBC, Channel 4 and other channels were more honest about how the industry really works.

The Observer: What kind of feedback have you been getting from industry insiders? Any angry emails? Have you heard from industry bosses?

TVC: If you'd have told me that over 200,000 people would end up reading the blog I'd never have believed you. I’ve had hits from all over the world, from the Disney studio lot in Hollywood to Dominos Pizza headquarters in New York to the Houses of Parliament. The themes I address obviously resonate with a wider audience other than just the media classes.

It always amused me that lonely perverts who googled ‘sex & animals’ would regularly come across a post I wrote about a fictional animal therapy TV format from Ricochet (makers of It’s Me or the Dog) and gain this unexpected insight into the world of TV!

The level of support from well known industry figures has been surprising. I have received words of encouragement and tip-offs from indie bosses, former channel controllers, commissioning editors, producers and lots of anonymous insiders. I think the worst email I ever got was from Daisy Goodwin, who simply said: "take me off your email list". One big player - who I would never dream of naming - said the blog was "the highlight of my day" and that I was "nothing short of a phenomenon, darling".

I think that's why i was always a bit surprised when the press would use words like "despicable" or "disgusting" or "spiteful" ... That certainly wasn't the kind of feedback I was getting on a daily basis from the industry.

FUCKING FUMING!!!

Gobsmacked. I sat in silence at my desk as the rage built inside me. I feel badly let down. Distraught, actually. How can I show my face in the corridors of White City now? I have mustered all my energies into this big push, encouraged by the people I've trusted. The people who helped poach me from Channel 4; the very people who I have always placed my absolute faith in. I did everything - from meeting the great unwashed in Glasgow to bloody showing my face at these awful events.

What a HUGE fucking mistake. I have exposed my ambitions in a way that makes me a laughing stock in the industry.

Well fuck The Corporation.

And fuck them all.

Stabbed in the front

TO: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:18:31 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: Corporation One Controller Application

Fifi

I’m stunned. Was there anything in particular that hindered my application?? I thought you had given me assurances last week that I had (and I quote) “a very strong chance of securing the position” especially having revitalised the Youth Channel with appointment-to-view squelchiness.

Despite this admittedly devastating setback, rest assured that I will continue to do the job I was hired for and re-energise the Youth Channel going forward.

Best wishes
TVC


TO: Hincksy@EndemolGlobalUKInc.Com
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:21:14 +0100
SUBJECT: SHAFTED

Fucking asexual workman-like boot wearing stuffy bitch!!!!!!!!! Fifi has fucked me over for sure. And I cannot fucking believe they are even considering that Tranter witch over me!!!!!

Fuck!!!!!


TO: Herring@DarkLordPR.com
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 14:25:02 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

I would like to formally terminate our 26-month Brand New Me contract. I am aware this will be to great financial cost to myself but I cannot continue with this marriage of convenience any longer, James.

It pains me to say that I feel badly let down by you and your agency’s inability to secure me the Top Job.

Ciao, and thanks for the memories,

TVC


TO: Headgirl@silverbollocks.com
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:03:02 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: Swishing Format

Where were you when I needed you the most?????
TVC


TO: Roly01@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:06:24 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: good luck today!

I thought I had your backing for the Top Job? The world is changing son, and I worry that you're going to be left well behind.

Fuck you,
TVC


TO: Yentob-personal@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:07:24 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

Don't you have any fucking power left anymore? Or were you just humouring me over lunch last week??

TVC


TO: Beddell@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:08:41 +0100
SUBJECT: RE: The Wall talent sign-off

Kleiny says you’re supporting Tranter over me??? Explain. Is this some RSC fucking drama mafia connection???

I’m bitterly disappointed in you

TVC


TO: personalassistant@Corporation.co.uk
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:10:12 +0100
SUBJECT: (No Subject)

Anthony- get me Clifford on the fucking phone NOW! I need to get hold of some dirt on Tranter. And do NOT put any journos through to me, especially those cunts Glibson, Conlan and Norman.


TO: Rt Honourable James Purnell MP
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:19:40 +0100
SUBJECT: Any openings?

Sir,

I would like to be considered for any future Ministerial posts that might become available in your department. As a young firebrand creative leader, I have all the necessary skills to be an asset in your team. (I also went to school with both the Milliband brothers).

Respectfully,
TVC


TO: Applications@HarvardBusinessSchool.Com
FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 15:23:01 +0100
SUBJECT: Fast track application?

Dear Sir / Madam

I would like to enquire about your Dual Semester Fast-track Advanced Senior Media Executive Consolidation and Expansion Course 2007/8. I am the Youngest Controller in British Broadcasting history (by 9 months) and I would like to find out if you could squeeze me on your new course starting next week?

Best wishes
TVC

STUNNED

FROM: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
CC: humanresources@Corporation.co.uk
DATE: Fri, 2 Nov 2007 13:26:02 +0100
SUBJECT: Corporation One Controller Application

Dear TVC,

On behalf of The Corporation, I would firstly like to thank you for taking the time to take part in the formal internal application process for the role of Controller of Corporation One.

As you can imagine for such a prestigious job, the calibre of applicants was extremely high.

Unfortunately, after very careful thought, on this occasion you have not been selected to go through to the next stage of the internal interview round.

Once again thank you for your application, and we wish you the very best of luck in the future.

Yours sincerely

Fifi

still waiting...

13.10: Snuck out to the canteen. Felt all eyes were on me. Noticed Jane Tranter looking very pleased with herself. What's going on?


12 noon: Nothing has come through yet from top brass on either my email, blackberry, direct line, mobile or on the ringmain... but I know it's only a matter of hours now. Have locked myself away in my office to work on my acceptance speech whilst Anthony decorates the office with balloons and party banners in readiness for the party later on.

Richard not Judy

A bottle of MOËT is chilling in the fridge and Anthony is rushing about making frantic last minute arrangements so there's an Ariel photographer present when my appointment is announced on the Ringmain later today.

For the special occasion I am wearing a cashmere blend knit jumper (that I picked up in Scotland on my travels) and simple chinos. It is understated and says I am approachable, friendly, a safe pair of hands, and most of all - that I would never dream of fucking over The Queen.

What better way to start the first day of my soon-to-be new empire at White City than with the sun shining down and Richard & Judy announcing they are free agents? Richard is coming in to see me next week (I knew wooing Amanda Ross would pay off) and I cannot wait to float my new idea past him for Corporation One's primetime Sunday evening show called "Richard NOT Judy" ( in which Richard hosts an itchy chat show and 'virtual' Judy joins via live satellite link up from her boudoir, reclining in a black-lace negligee and sipping on a glass of chilled Chardonnay)

The grannies will love it. Fuck yeah!!

The TVC Years they'll call it (maybe Maggie Brown will write a book about me? Must lunch her ASA-fucking-P)

I put my feet up on my desk, ordered a double espresso, and waited...

Stephen Lambert's CV

Fuck me, guess which persona non grata has just emailed!

FROM: StephenLambert@formatguru.com
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Coffee?

TVC,
As the architect (and founding member) of itchy reality factual formats, I feel you and I have always had a lot in common. We both understand what the kids want to watch (scraps, conflict, jeopardy etc). Now that I have left RDF Media I feel it is the right time to try my hand in commissioning. I'm keen to know if you could use someone at the Youth Channel with my track record in building core programming brands from creative kernels and jumpstarting teams?

CV attached.

Best,
Stephen
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Shit - there is no way on earth I can be associated with this cockcheese! What if IT were to find out I was in email dialogue with him?? Imagine the fall out for my media brand if some tabloid hack ran a scurrilous "new Mothership Controller considers Lambert for key post" headline??

I immediately hit delete and ask Anthony if its possible for old emails to be saved in some central server or something. I cannot risk there being any fucking trace of Lambert's approach to me.

Must admit though, it's funny how the mighty have fallen. Next thing you know he'll want to start making 'serious' 'organic' sob-umentaries!!

10 Reasons why I hate Glasgow

1. The helicopter ride was very fucking bumpy. I was sick twice.

2. It took over 30 minutes to drive from the airfield to the Corporation Scottish HQ!

3. Everyone looked cynical and very miserable.

4. No one laughed when I told my Aspen skiing trip joke.

5. Too many girls wearing cashmere

6. Angry atmosphere during Q+A - there is nothing worse than a shouty Scottish crowd when you've been on the road all morning.

7. Lack of ambition in their ideas for Corporation One during 60-second itchy pitch session.

8. Muriel Gray lives up here.

9. So does Hamish Barbour.

10. Even colder than fucking Manchester.

10 Reasons why I hate Manchester

1. It's really fucking cold.

2. It rained the entire two and three-quarter hours I was there.

3. No on-site holistic therapist waiting for me at Oxford Road HQ (I felt like I needed a treatment after sitting in British Midland economy for the 40 minute flight up from Heathrow).

4. Too many small teams = lack of creative impetus and creativity. It's obvious they just sit around on their arses all day feeling fucking sorry for themselves.

5. Total lack of drive. No probing questions AT ALL about what Itchy Reality™ programming will mean for their regional quotas.

6. Lack of girls wearing peeptoe heels. I know it is cold, but you have GOT to make an effort!

7. I just don't like their accents very much.

8. They dress way too provincially.

9. I am sure I saw Mark Radcliffe sitting in on the meeting. Old school Radio 2 fart. Has no place in the future television geology of Corporation One. Someone (other than me) should have spotted him and escorted him out of the meeting room.

10. Lack of black and asian faces in the audience. This won't do.

Off to Glasgow now... let's hope they do a fuck of a lot better!

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Giving to charity

On my way back from last night's very successful Oxford Union speech, Anthony soured the atmosphere in Hincksy's car by reminding me about this.

The Corporation's in-house Charity Tsar has suggested that for this year's Children In Need event, all the Controllers should engage in doing something for charity. (I hear Fifi is threatening to attempt a high NRG dance aerobics session in the Canteen, in leotards and all....gulp....)

Shit.

After that unfortunate mishap shortly after rocking up at The Corporation, the last thing I need is for this to go badly wrong for me. These events are great for my media brand but a PR disaster if you fuck them up.

The Dark Lord has emailed his thoughts and says I should take a leaf out of uber agent and party monster Perry Mansell's last charity fundraiser.

Shit shit shit!

The last thing I want is for Mansell to steal my limelight. How can I do something that is edgy but doesn't involve doing anything quite so life threatening and dangerous as the Gumball rally?

And then it hit me: instead of ME doing some embarrassing stunt I can volunteer my hapless PA Anthony and he could be my figurehead in all of this.

So I have suggested to my lackie that he should do a marathon parachute jump (six times over in the same afternoon) to raise thousands for Scope or whichever charity is 'in' at the moment.

What a chance I am giving him!

[I'll be expecting Yentob to dig a lot fucking deeper than the measly £50 he only bothered to muster for Mansell's effort. I mean, how much is he paid a year??? I'll certainly be wanting him to at least quadruple that for Anthony's multiple suicide jumps.]

"My Destiny" speech

Tonight I am addressing my old chums at the Oxford Union (what fond memories of my youth!)

Make no mistake about it. This is like launching a political campaign and I need to have all the trappings of a Corporation One Top-Level Executive if I am going to secure The Big Job.

So Hincksy has very kindly promised to drive me up in his car:




Here's a sneaky peak at my speech. I cannot wait for Thommo to hear this!

"Good evening.

I look around this grand, historic hall and then I look down at you. The young creative intelligent minds of the future. The people that will someday lead governments, industry and, most importantly, the media.

You, my friends, are the future. Your turn will deservedly come. Just as mine has come now.

You see, ten or twelve years ago, I was exactly like you.

I was bright, intelligent, hard-working and ambitious.

I still am.

I studied here for three years, dreaming of my future. Well tonight, I'm going to reveal exactly where my future lies.

Lord Reith once said it was the Corporation's job to educate, inform and entertain.

One day, our current Director General Mark Thompson will become a Lord, and his mantra will be remembered too: To reach out and touch the audience.

I am one of Mark's New Generation of creatives, here to implement His Vision. It is my job to boldly go where no channel controller has gone before. To always strive for what is beyond the event horizon. To innovate, motivate and creatively exfoliate, so I can be the best a man can be™.

It is the only way we can keep ahead of the curve and provide value for money for all our users.

Yes, you heard me right. User as opposed to viewer.

You see the next generation don't just "view" the media. They "use" it.

And by the same token, they can also "abuse" it.

And we have to make sure that this self abuse does not tarnish the hard work being done to harness the eyeballs of the New User Generation.

And who are these New Users? You are.

You are the ones who'll want to buy homes, find good schools for your kids, and have amazing holidays in far-flung places abroad. Television can feed these important life stages with itchy reality™ programming.

I put it to you, in an age of concern over fakery, deception and spin, that we need to ensure that the Corporation never fails its audience. Be them your parents, grandparents or your nephews.

Or you.

Because it is your generation that matters to me.

When I was your age, I used to think: Why isn't there a channel just for me?

What I want to see is the Corporation becoming this beacon of media light. It is not simply a pipedream, it is my destiny. And it is here, and it is now.

The Corporation has more difficult and painful decisions to make. Like who should be leading Corporation One, our flagship channel, into 2008 and beyond.

For the Corporation to survive and to remain relevant to its users, it's simply not enough to have young creative visionaries like myself pigeon holed into running "youth" programming. That's like saying that the people who run the Asian Network can't work in network television. Ludicrous!

The new breed of Television Executive who is in touch with contemporary culture, like myself, should be driving the future development of our broadcasting crown-jewels.

I hope you agree.

If it is my destiny, then you have been privileged here tonight to listen to my oration and I put it to you to decide for yourself whether the Corporation will be bold and brave enough to make what I think is a momentous decision.

Thank you and good night Oxford

[PS. Remember to pump right hand in the air at this point during rapturous applause]

[PPS. Remember to have Anthony video it all from the back of the hall]

The campaign

With the considerable help of Hincksy and The Dark Lord (acting as my campaign managers) we've put together a timetable for this week as I strive to position myself as the number one frontrunner for the Top Job.

Hincksy reckons I need to grow a support base in the regions as they feel neglected. Plus it will look good for Thommo to see that I'm not an exclusive metropolitan media animal.

TUESDAY:
Breakfast with Fifi @ Automat to get her seal of approval(AM)
Interview with John Blunkett from Guardian to counter-bluff suggestions I am a favourite for the job (AM)
Lunch @ Petrus with Matthew Norman from The Independent
Second Lunch with Glenwyn Benson to get her onside (grab a canteen sandwich)
Interview with in-house hack for Ariel rag (PM)
Speech at the Oxford Union (EVE)
Dinner with Thommo (VENUE TBC)

WEDNESDAY: Whistlestop Tour of the Regions
BD582 Heathrow-Manchester departs 07.05
Meet & Greet with Manchester in-house Entertainment and Factual development (AM)
Helicopter to Glasgow
Meet & Greet with Scotland drama and factual Execs (LUNCHTIME)
Helicopter to Bristol
Meet & Greet with Bristol in-house factual & features development teams (PM)
Return to London - interview on Newsnight? (TBC)

THURSDAY: Charm offensive London
Appearance on Today programme (very early AM)
Monthly Controller Meeting (AM) - Hincksy thinks I should treat this like I'm doing PMQs as Leader of the Opposition!
Interview with Chris Curtis from Broadcast (LUNCH)
Do walkabout through White City production offices accompanied by photographer to lift staff morale (PM)
Mass email to key execs outlining my 10-point plan for Corporation One (PM)

FRIDAY: Gain power!
Live appearance on Snooze24 to talk about My Plans for the Channel (AM)
Press Conference at somewhere very media like Century Club flanked by Fifi and Thommo (LUNCHTIME)
Sack Anthony and move into bigger office on 6th floor (PM)
Meet my two new sexy PAs and set down dress policy (peeptoe heels, cleavage, etc) (PM)
Dinner with Thommo to start work on 5-year plan (EVE)

Daisy G in Tears

I've just come off the phone from a hysterical Daisy G. Jesus! Here I am, in Hincksy's sitting room, sipping herbal tea whilst mapping out the next few days of my campaign to take the Top Job, and I get this!

Daisy is all upset about the latest problem to hit her controversial child-rearing Channel 4 show Bringing Up Baby. The Times (who usually love her - even to the point of permitting her to write meandering fluff pieces about 'lifestyle' stuff) have put the boot in by questioning whether one of her experts was bonafide or not.

For fuck's sake, relax people!

Just because some kiddy nurse doesn't have a fucking BTEC in nursery school studies doesn't mean she isn't good telly. I happened to like Claire Verity A LOT and would hire her for one of my itchy parenting shows. This is a woman, remember, who has worked for people like Sting (viewers love that kind of shit).

I consoled Daisy G as best I could, but also vowed to blackmark the scurrilous hack Patrick Foster. Are there not people dying in Africa, Patrick? WMD to find? Homeless folk who need beds? Etc. Etc.

Go and do your job reporting and investigating IMPORTANT STUFF, not wasting time on TV stories trying to smear a bloody good friend of mine.

10 Good Reasons why I should get the Top Job

1. What the Corporation needs right now is some uplifting good news, so what could be better than appointing The Youngest Controller of the Mothership in the Entire History of Broadcasting? Think of the positive shockwaves that such a bold move would send around the media world!

2. I have no fucking intention of ever moving up north and running the Youth Channel from this place:



3. I live, breathe, eat, sleep my job. I am single, have no children, and have no other life outside of my career. I challenge Thommo or the Trust to find anyone else who can come even close to matching my unbridled commitment, passion and enthusiasm for media content and delivery.

4. A safe pair of hands: I will never commission ANYTHING from RDF ever again.

5. I am under 40 (by six whole years in fact). The Mothership needs the pure elixir of my youth.

6. I have laid the groundwork for the next generation of ambitious genre-defining concepts like Itchy Reality™, and it would be a huge loss for the Corporation to see them rot away on a digital channel that no-one watches or takes very seriously.

7. It would be a huge loss for the Corporation to see ME rot away on a digital channel that no-one watches or takes very seriously!

8. I could get a sexy female PA of my choosing (maybe even two) and dump Anthony.

9. I am brilliant at handling on-screen talent (such as Anthea Turner) and would look to snatch a whole host of big names straight away (like Derren Brown - perfect to host a revamped 360° Generation Game format)

10. My CV is jampacked with unrivaled experience in all forms of programming: Spunky comedy (Live! Girls! Present Dogtown), Shouty multimedia entertainment (incl my shiny floor forthcoming studio show The Wall), sensitive, thought-provoking documentaries (Help I Smell of Fish!), High Impact drama (Skins) and Noisy Reality (two series of The Games).

What fucking more does Thommo want from me??!

[I am also in the process of getting a written reference from Barack Obama, after my dialogue with him and his team earlier this year. If that doesn't swing it, I'll eat my favourite corduroy jacket!]

Bertie gets drunk on my expense account

Had lunch with Bertie (the butcher from Notting Hill) yesterday at Tamarind.

We ended up in a heated discussion about the merits of his earnest Channel 4 Last Chance Kids versus my noisy, very shouty Leave Us Kids Alone.

He hit his second bottle of Pinot Noir before informing me that he had nailed the TV formula for doing "rough kids in inner city schools" and was planning on writing a book about it for Harper Collins. He looked chuffed with this statement, and sat back smoking an imaginary cigar. What a prick.

"Bertie, your literacy series was admirable and very 'Jamie' but it felt a bit like you'd messed about too much with the series stucture in the edit. It wasn't organic enough. My series is really tackling different things," I said sipping from my mineral water on ice.

He started twitching at this moment, and then went into an involuntary spasm. Remembering that Bertie wasn't used to any kind of criticism, I got a little worried to see such a fine master of the edit lose control like this.

"Wake up and smell the 3 act structure TVC! There are only 2 and half types of different stories to tell! How many times have you actually bothered to read the Robert McKee book I gave you??" he shouted back. The waiter looked disturbed. I made a weak smile and signaled for the bill.

"I made Jamie who he is today," he yelped as he dragged himself up from his chair (having slipped a few seconds previously with glass of wine still in hand). Fuck. I thought he was having a heart attack or something.

After this unfortunate episode, how the hell can I trust Bertie in the edit with my Next Big Gig? I've drafted him in to series edit Betty TV's constructed documentary series about teens who give up smoking, drinking, taking drugs and having sex to make sure there's enough emotional confrontation in their transformations.

Very fucking worried.

I settled up the bill and got Bertie into a cab, before heading back to the safe confines of White City trying to figure out who the other decent Series Editors were for my twitchy™ new reality show. Maybe Liz 'the mentalist' Warner can suggest someone?

Muscling in on Docudrama

I really want to muscle in on the crowded docu-drama genre but I haven't got a fucking clue what will resonate with my young, spunky myspace audience.

They don't give a fuck about Tony Blair, Iraq, the Queen or David Blunkett's latest floozie.

But what they *do* care about is getting drunk, taking drugs, going to T in the Park and falling out with their parents because of a difference of opinion over the new Arctic Monkeys "download".

Hardly typical grandad Tony Marchant stuff, but I've thrown £5K his way on a whim anyway and told him in no uncertain terms to think up three of four "shouty docu-drama ideas" by close of play next week.

I'm missing out on this zeitgeist (why don't people use that word anymore??) and need to find something that feels right for me.

No cast-offs and failed ideas please. They've got to strike right at the heart of my "sweetspot" 19-20 year old core viewers, and I've told Marchant to ensure that each drama has at least 4 or 5 amazing YouTube moments – great television my tech-savvy viewers will want to share with their friends.

Bring me something bang on the fucking money for the Youth Channel!!!

Sarah Walmsley's carcrash cock-up

I'm a bit fucking worried.

Having had my job offer rebuffed by Dominique Walker (something to do with her impending marriage to that Touching The Void millionaire and mutterings about only wanting to do "two days a week"), I decided to make a lightning quick move for IWC's in-house vixen Sarah Walmsley.

(Now there's someone who can wear boots with a bit of style!)

But I fear that I have made a grave mistake.

I have just got round to watching a tape of her crown jewel Location, Location, Location that was broadcast live on Channel 4 last week. It was without doubt the worst car-crash telly I'd seen since watching Mick Fleetwood and Samantha Fox host the Brits when I was just a kid!

Walmsley has been talking nonstop about Kirsty's sister, saying she was a "bright hope" in terms of on-screen talent for My Channel. Not on this evidence she fucking isn't.

I simply cannot be associated with an Exec responsible for anything this clunky and have made moves to backtrack super quickly.

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: sarah.walmsley@iwcscotland.com
SUBJECT: RE: Re: London meet-up

Hi Sarah,

Given the current climate, I think it probably best if we think about bringing you in possibly in the New Year, rather than now. No-one here really expected the kind of cuts that Mark is going to have to make, and I think it will be difficult to get you in right now with tension among the staff running so high.

Lets talk again soon though. PS loved the fresh move of doing Location live last week. Very brave decision to use Kirsty and Phil in that way. Was Sue (Murphy) happy with the results?

Please give my regards to Hamish and the lovely Muriel, as ever

TVC x

And now for the Northern Irish vote...

Some nobody regional commissioning exec in entertainment from Northern fucking Ireland has had the cheek to email me:

FROM: Mike.Edgar03@Corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Friday Nights

Hi TVC,

I know it's probably already in hand, but would you consider letting us pitch for the prestigious tender of producing your Friday night live entertainment show?

We've been working with Paddy Kielty's independent production company Green Inc and think we've got a real spinner of an idea for you.

Me and my team are coming to the mainland in two weeks. Can we pop by and see you?

All the best

Mike

What, the Corporation has an entertainment department in Belfast?? I suppose post the troubles there would have been a need to corporately realign the staffing (less news, more 'fun' stuff).

Anyway, I'm not going to get sidetracked from my plans for Friday night (it's now down to Hat Trick, Objective, Zeppotron and the in-house Comedy Unit) so I send this stiff but polite email back to Edgar:

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Mike.Edgar03@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: RE: Friday Nights

Hi Mike,

Thanks for getting in touch, and nice of you to be thinking of me and my channel.

I'm afraid I've now finalised the companies shortlisted to produce the Friday evening post-peak studio entertainment format for My Channel. However, if you've got any other ideas that you think might appeal to my nationwide (let's not forget!) youth audience please feel free to email them to Suzanne Gilfillan who looks after this part of the schedule for me.

Best regards,

TVC

Little Britain Complaints Committee

At this morning's monthly yawnfest meeting with the 12-strong Vision Editorial Policy and Viewer Monitoring Committee (VEPVMC), I was forced into a corner defending of all things a fucking 2am repeat of Little Britain from last week.

Why?

Because some ignorant, dumb-as-fuck viewer (probably from Middlesbrough) has launched a petty letter-writing crusade against the portrayal of Daffyd Thomas as "the bullying of a young defenceless homosexual man living in the provinces"

Jesus Christ! What fucking planet is this guy on??

I had to wade through 27 pages from the Viewer Logs reading every single piece of twaddle this person has made against the show:

"I think that the show is disgusting actually. The insights about physically handicapped people are funny. But the bullying of Daffyd is pretty revolting. And when it starts to talk about his boyfriend and his sexual orientation . . . I've got to say the media have been outrageous to keep going on about it. Would they have done that if it kept referring to his skin colour? No. So why is it OK to keep commenting on the guy being gay? I mean what the fuck has that got to do with anything?"

Have been forced by Fifi to draft a groveling response (Kevin never made me do this kind of shit at Channel 4.)

Dear Viewer,

As the Controller of a publicly funded and accountable broadcaster, I treat any complaints about our output very seriously indeed.

Little Britain is a phenomenally successful comedy show featuring fictitious characters that has won countless awards and brought a great deal of joy and happiness to viewers.

The portrayal of Daffyd is actually a satirical and affectionate play on sexual identity in contemporary Britain. I should also stress that Daffyd is a work of fiction. Any references to real people called "Daffyd" who happen to be gay, live in Wales and wear tight-fitting black PVC shorts are entirely coincidental.

The sharpness of the character reflects how sophisticated this country has become in terms of tolerance, to the point where David Walliams (straight) and Matt Lucas (gay) - along with the entertainment commissioning teams here at the Corporation - felt able to create a character tackling sexual tolerance in the regions.

Your valued comments have been noted and I take great pleasure in enclosing a £5 Corporation token that can be used to purchase books or DVDs from the Corporation shop. (Little Britain Series 2 is 50% off right now)

Yours sincerely

TVC
Channel Controller

Give me back my £10million!

FROM: James.Silver@Guardian.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Grade

TVC,

Are the rumours true that Michael Grade was hauled in for questioning last night by the Serious Fraud Squad and questioned over how his company was able to fleece the public of £7.8million and get away with it? And how is it that heads haven't rolled over this?

Is it also true that Simon Shaps brought in Paul McKenna to coach Grade in presentation techniques to prepare for yesterday's announcements?

James
PS. Are they going to axe the Youth Channel or not?

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: JamesHerring@DarkLord.com
SUBJECT: Grandad Grade

Herring

Are the rumours true that Michael Grade was hauled in for questioning last night by the Serious Fraud squad and questioned over how his company was able to fleece the public of £7.8million and get away with it? And how is it that heads haven't rolled over this?

Is it also true that Simon Shaps brought in Paul McKenna to coach Grade in presentation techniques to prepare for yesterday's announcements?

Best
TVC
PS. Why haven't you squashed rumours about My Channel getting axed??

FROM: JamesHerring@DarkLord.com
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Re: Grade

I'm busy. Go away.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Youth Channel rumours

Fifi,

Slightly concerned that these vicious rumours about the Youth Channel being axed have been allowed to run in the press unchallenged. Should I meet with Press&Publicity today and draft a swift and unequivocal denial from yourself to run in Monday's Media Guardian??

Your humble servant,
TVC

FROM: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: RE: Youth Channel rumours

Please schedule a meeting for next month with my assistant to discuss this.

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: All Suppliers; All Commissioning; All Genre Heads
SUBJECT: Don't believe what you read in the papers

Hello.

Despite the unfortunate redundancies and across-the-board programme budget cuts, I'd like to reassure you - our valued suppliers and creatives - that I remain absolutely committed to commissioning the best Itchy™ programmes and finding the best Screamy™ onscreen talent.

The Youth Channel remains very much Open For Business!

I am available next week for face-time meetings to drill down on my 2008/9 Needs List.

Keep the faith,
TVC

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Anthea_perfect@aol.com
SUBJECT: your idea

A,
Terrible news - have you seen the papers? I've had £10million slashed from next year's budget and until I have a chance to re-allocate my (meagre) funds, I will have to put a temporary hold on your new development: ANTHEA TURNER BATTLES THE YOSHIMI ROBOTS.
Lunch soon?
TVC x

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: personalassistant01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: crying in the workplace

Anthony,

I know these are difficult times and you're upset about your camp friend in programme finance being given the chop, but we need to keep professional about this. (And not cry all over the level one treatments for next week!)

Imagine how I feel? I've just lost 10 million quid, I've got the Trust poking their noses into all the ed specs for my Autumn 08 slate, my brand manager is refusing to answer my calls and my boss won't meet me, but you don't see me weeping about it, do you?

Your boss (and friend)
TVC

What the Fuck is Herring up to?

Increasingly alarmed that Herring's slick campaign to raise The Smurf's profile is having a dangerous impact on my own media brand.

I can see what The Dark Lord is up to: in a perfect world, I get the Mothership job, and Murphy gets his old job back at the Youth Channel. Why else would Herring be orchestrating a campaign for The Smurf to speak out defending My Channel left, right and centre? First it was the Guardian, now it's fucking Newsnight! What next? Going on Dickinson Moss and dancing around with 4 poofs and a piano?

Where was MY fucking invite to appear on Newsnight or even The Heaven & Earth show??

How can I be expected to implement my important creative vision with The Smurf snapping away at my heels like a ferocious pug-faced little Chihuahua! Doesn't The Dark Lord think I'm old enough and strong enough to fight my own corner anymore?

I have decided that the only option I have right now is to abide by Herring's oft-quoted slogan: "keep the cunts you hate closer than the dicks you dislike" (he has this hanging up in his ensuite office bathroom)

TO: Stuart_Murphy@twofour.regional.com
FROM TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
BCC:fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Congrats!

Stuart

You and your team have successfully won our Mexican tender.

Fifi, Ben and myself thought '24hr Mexican Rave' would be a fantastic accompaniment to the next series of Last Twat Standing airing next spring. I love the way we can access the grim poverty of the country through an upbeat mix of hedonistic drugs and music. Let's meet up soon to go over how we can strip it over 2 weeks and build the jeopardy for the live finale.

Also, re: presenters. I have my doubts about Preston from the Ordinary Boys. Can we have a think about someone a bit more screamy™?

Regards
TVC

Murphy is in my sights now......

Dickinson Moss's Benevolent Fund for Unemployed Hacks

Having emailed the notorious uber-agent Perry Mansell with a request to do lunch, I get this rather aggressive response back instead:

FROM: perry.mansell@closedheadphones.com
TO: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
SUBJECT: Re: Lunch?

I've got an idea for you, you nerdy little prick. I've just come back from a meeting with all the creatives for Children In Need. Mossy was there, as was Gervais, Norton and the rest of the cunts. They want to club together and donate a week of their fees to a benevolent fund for the soon-to-be out-of-work Broadcast Journalists that the Ginger bearded cunt is going to lay off.

Dickinson wants to know if you'd do a programme following his efforts to convince fellow A-list celebrities to do the same?

But we have to call it Dickinson Moss's Benevolent Fund for Unemployed Hacks (D.M.B.F.F.U.H for short) - none of this Save the Journos or fucking crap like that.

You have 1 hour to respond to this email or I'll fuck off and take it to ITV

Perry x

Christ! What a load of shit. Not to mention a complete rip-off of that crudely executed idea over at C4.

I emailed Perry back within ten minutes:

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: perry.mansell@closedheadphones.com
SUBJECT: RE:Re: Lunch?

Perry

Fantastic to hear from you. I'm honoured that you thought of The Youth Channel as a home for this wonderful idea. Dickinson should be knighted for his selfless actions (by my rough calculations 1 week of Moss could probably cover the salary of 13 Broadcast Journalists, so we're well on our way)

Have you considering getting the likes of Paxman, Moyles, Humphreys or Wogan involved? They earn a wedge (Paxo is on £800k a year I hear) and their involvement would be crucial to the integrity of this Big Thinking project.

I will take this immediately to Fifi and get her thoughts.

Warm regards,
TVC

Is my job safe?

Called Anthony into the office, put my feet on the desk and barked: "What's happening in my empire, cock?"

He handed me a secret job cut memo he'd pinched from Fifi's assistant's desk. It confirmed all my suspicions about where the jobcuts will fall:

20% Staff Directors (Ego maniacs with no films who are now stuck in development at a cost of £1400 per week)

20% Producers (Feeding the bloated egos of staff directors with ideas to pitch in weekly meetings to Exec Producers)

10% Exec producers (Acting as filters for good ideas telling commissioning executives what to think)

30% Commissioning Executives (Whose only function it seems is to second guess and decipher the whims of important controllers. Like me)

10% New Media (3G content functionality wafflers and assorted techno wankers)

10% Scheduling (How many fucking people does it take to decide when to air a programme? I can do this with my eyes closed)

Has my beloved world of TV gone completely and utterly fucking insane??

Anthony also tells me that twinkle toes Andy Zein is jostling for poll position in the race for the top prize. Fifi is supporting the youthful munchkin because of his favourable links with the indie sector and ability to secure top level talent. (I immediately make a mental note to email top talent cock Perry Mansell to arrange a lunch.)

Anthony tells me not to fret, however, because he's heard that she is a little concerned about his lack of programme making experience.

(Shit! Since when has not making programmes ever been a problem for Fifi???)