Friday, 27 July 2007

Bertie has done a runner

I picked up an urgent message from "Seb" Scott sounding very distressed(!!), wondering "whether you'd heard lately from that Notting Hill cheesefruit?"

Bertie has been booked to 'series edit' a v v important Princess commission for ITV (their first I believe) as soon as he's finished 'Doing a Jamie' for some Channel 4 literacy yawnfest.

But all of a sudden he's nowhere to be found.

According to C21 Bertie has "taken a long-overdue break somewhere in Thailand with immediate effect".

With Anthony back in the fold, I had him try and reach the cockmeister of cockmeisters all morning, but with fuck-all success.

Intrigued, I dug a little further, and discovered that in the light of all this 'sexing up' business, Bertie has been under-investigation by some young upstart at The Sunday Telegraph, looking for a Big Scalp in the Industry.

I'm not in the least bit surprised. I know how many bodies have been buried in Bertie's cutting rooms BUT that's exactly what makes him a terrific Series Editor (just ask Jamie Oliver's people).

I ADMIRE how he gets all his directors to read up on the 5 golden rules of Hollywood storytelling - and applies that to the 'Factuality' form.

I LOVE the way he relishes the stage to eulogize his approach to the art of constructed documentary.

Oh, and I GET A HUGE ERECTION thinking about the BAFTAs he could win for My Channel.

I emailed him Herring's private mobile number, and reassured him the Dark Lord will turn any fucking Telegraph witchhunt-type nonsense into something far more positive.

"...and be careful of the ladyboys" I jested!!


Anonymous said...

As one of the bodies Bertie attempted, and failed, to bury in his preposterous cutting rooms, I hope the guy enjoys paying to get his cock sucked by Thai boys and never comes back....

screenwriterman said...

soon we'll all be on bbc I-player for seven days to download and watch. As no fucker watches bbc3,4, now it will be great to be able not to watch any of it again for seven whole days. Does every ancient oxbridge half-wit think that if the prefix any old shit with "I-" then it will be down with the kids? Jesus! Please find attached a new sit-com pilot "I-two pints of I-lager and a packet of I-crisps."