Monday, 13 August 2007

More 'F**ck Off' films, please

Just been told by Dan, my Nazi senior scheduler, that we need to re-commission another round of "F**k Offs" ("Even though the titles got under the noses of the Trust, our research shows the C1s still lap them up")

Christ. Please no. Here is me trying to shift the Youth Channel up a gear, and here they are, television's true Dark Masters commanding me to repeat Julian's dirty tabloid factual past (you can tell he was never a 'Head of Documentaries').

I sighed and waltzed back to my office. I found McDonald on his phone texting (during work hours no less) so obviously got him something very important to do instead: "Oi slack arse. I need another 10 or so F**k off titles within the next hour."

McDonald moaned back: "But boss? I thought we'd ditched all of that crap?"

[How arrogant and downright lippy!]

Peeptoe Jo suddenly appeared out of nowhere and intervened: "I can come up with some new titles, a little more female skewed if that's helpful?"

McDonald looked peeved. This is what I like. Rivalry and competition. I get high on it. It's my only drug of choice. [And the only drug I know].

So I decided to throw both of them a little further: "I don't really care which one of you does it. Just make sure you DO IT." I placed my hands on my hips for further emphasis when I said that last bit (NLP coaching coming to the fore yet again).

Divide and conquer - it's the only way to run a tight fucking team.


Anonymous said...

Fuck Off I'm A Brummie
Fuck Off I'm Welsh
Fuck Off I'm Posh
Fuck Off I'm Short

It's all so plausible and so fucking soul-destroying.

Harriet Hamster said...

Is it true they are making a documentary about how many people work on Newsnight ?
But all we ever get is Iran non stop !!

Anonymous said...

how about ...

f**k off, I'm dying
f**k off, I'm a Traffic Warden
f**k off, I used to be in S Club Juniors and now I'm hooked on crack
f**k off, I'm entering a PRTS competition
f**k off, I don't want to go back to Nigeria
f**k off, I'm an ex-reality TV contestant
f**k off, I love this sheep
f**k off, I'm a young Tory
f**k off, I'm Anthea Turner
f**k off, I'm having a fag
f**k off, I was a big star in the Eighties
f**k off, I'm a 35 yr-old Jewish virgin
f**k off, my daddy is filthy rich
f**k off, I'm Bill Oddie and I was a Goodie

Emily Bell said...

F**k off, I’m a north London, Jewish, media chancer

Anonymous said...

Why does BBC3 need a "senior scheduler" to put repeats of "Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps" on all night?

Anonymous said...

And so it came to pass that 'Men Behaving Badly' begat 'Game On' which begat 'Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps' which begat 'Grownups'. And the TV Executive looked upon them and saw that they were cheap and repeatable and that this was good and pleasing to the DG.

Anonymous said...

F*ck Off, I've never made a programme in my life