Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Ambush of the Jewish Mother

Anthony barged in to my office in a bit of a tizz. I was on the phone to Michaela taking in some hot gossip about Dermot and Davina but he didn't seem to care. Impatiently I barked: "WHAT? COCKFACE!"

"Your mother is here to see you."

Time stopped. Started. Stopped again. Then began stabbing me in the brain like a sharp fork.

And no, this was not some sort of humourous executive PA stunt. I could bloody see her standing outside my office, fidgeting with the flower arrangement on Anthony's desk, tutting to herself and arranging some of the things in his in-tray.

I could see Anthony smirk and I ushered him out sharpish. What the fuck was my mother doing visiting me at work on a tuesday afternoon?!?

I was about to hide under my desk when she whirlwinded in, big smile on her pink lips, planting a big smacker on my cheek and launching into: "Bubeleh, is this your office? Nice, very nice, but it's dirty, have you cleaned? Is it south facing? Have you called Shlomo to ask about the leather sofas? Much better than these (pointing at my £5,000 Starck limited editions). This place is so big - you could get lost! I'm so proud of you my kindaleh! You've done so well for yourself... considering we always had such low expectations of you"

and then before I had a chance to close the door - - - she dropped the almighty clanger that is:

"and have you met any nice single Jewish girls yet?"

Argh! Jewish-Mother-In-Office was not a good look for my media brand. Even worse for my fucking non existent (and soon to be extinct at this rate) love life. Disastrous in fact. How the fuck could I get rid of her, in the nicest possible way of course?!

Out of sight for a start. I hastily took her by the arm and led her to the lift. "Let me show you where they film Dickinson Moss" - She squealed in delight - "and if you're lucky ma, I might arrange it so you can sit in his chair!"

She beamed all the way down to Studio 3. A dark, safe cocoon from the many evil backstabbing eyes of the Corporation. I really don't need this kind of shit today.

I'm up to my neck in it…


thegirl said...

There are many single Yiddishe girls out there.

But not all of us are nice.

Anonymous said...

ya gotta luv those jewish mammas,chicken soup and all!

mensch said...

Your mother found her way to White City by herself? That's incredible. The furthest mine can make it without having a turn is Radlett High Street.

Spangle said...

Come on people keep it real. he's engaged to noreena hertz.

Anonymous said...

No! How on earth did that little kosher chancer end up with her? She must have a serious personality disorder of her own. I mean that is the only way you could explain why she puts up with someone as socially inadequate and down right weird as TVC!?!

Anonymous said...

Have just recalled your predilection for older ladies…and this Hertz woman is in her 40’s isn’t she? It all makes complete sense!

Spangle said...

it would also explain her recent 'producer' credit on the not-very-good-C4-doc 'Million Pound Footballers Giveaway'