Tuesday, 10 July 2007

Briefing the Indies

FROM: TVC01@Corporation.co.uk
TO: Key Independent Suppliers
CC: Fifi01@Corporation.co.uk
BCC: Mark Thompson


You may be asking why I haven't commissioned more things from the independent sector. The answer is that we must all try harder to tap into the changing whims of the youth channel's key demographic.

Documentaries should attempt to reflect modern times as seen through the eyes of young adult audiences and seek to contextualize the past in a way that connects with contemporary young viewers.

Entertainment must try and relate to young adults but also their young at heart parents.

Yes we have the forthcoming Fart Camp, Child Ladyboy, Amsterdam Birth Canal and I am a Teenage Hoodrat, Lock Me Up in Here (a really scary reality show set in an authentic 1960s British borstal narrated by Ray Winstone).

But what else has the same desirability?

I really want you to think hard about what will work for My Channel. Recycled ideas won't wash with my viewers. They need something special to stand out in the digital landscape. So go back to your teams, and then come back to me with some really daring concepts. The louder the better.

I want my channel to be the home for your best 'Shock and Awe' ideas.



Anonymous said...

"Alain de Botton Wants to Fuck Ewe"

...in which AdeB shags animals, thinks about what he's done and resolves the old 'empiricist v rationalist' gubbins.

Anonymous said...

"Beth Tweddle's Asymmetric Rings"

...in which promising young athletes are taught to multitask by dint of tackling two pieces of gymnastic apparatus at the same fucking time.

I know sport isn't really your thing, but tie it in with 2012 and the DCMS will love you forever. Result = job for life.

Anonymous said...


Clair said...

Bee My Guest, in which topless tart Jo Guest visits an apiary each week, with stinging results!

Anonymous said...


...in which Oddie and Humble stalk an urban vixen as she searches for a mate in the Woodlands of W12.

24/7 multi-angle coverage - not cheap I know, but get some nocturnal badger footage and you're fucking sorted!

Anonymous said...

Given the way Doctor Who has really upped the ratings of your channel have you thought about trying to pick up the rights for more sci-fi such as Battlestar Galactica?

Who has shown the massive appeal out there for spin-offs and there are loads of opportunities just waiting to be mined with Battlestar:-

1. M*A*R*S (Mobile Army Repair Shop)

A cheery sitcom set against the grim back drop of unending war.

Two new Cylon models, Hawkeye 13 and Trapper 14, are repair medics working at a repair shop behind the lines.

Every day they toil over the broken air frames of damaged cylon raiders, wisecracking in the face of death and destruction, their blackly humourous banter providing a counterpoint to the awful tragedies of war

Caprica 6 is in this one, but here she plays a foxy military martinet who is the butt of Hawkeye and Trapper's ridicule and constant practical joking which generally results in her getting naked in
embarassing circumstance, eg shower hut collapses around her, tent 'blown away' by unexpected gust of wind etc.

I think that would play quite well.

Also there is a cylon centurion who goes about in ladies garments, he has bad conscience about the war and is trying to get out on an insanity ticket. A chance to replay the 'cotton / cylon mix' joke.


A comedy thriller.

A bunch of cylons go back in time to 70's Britain to change the course of Earth history.

As cover they set up a retail haberdashery and garment business.

However after a snappy TV ad campaign the product range really takes off and they find that they are spending more time running the business
and increasingly find themselves side tracked into the joys of entrepreneurial capitalism.

I am thinking guest appearances for Ricky Gervais and Alan Sugar here, as chief executives of rival businesses.

Also there is scope for comedy knock about and soap opera drama on the factory floor (I am thinking Rag Trade / Mike Baldwin's factory in Coro here)


A mini series.

The humans rebel and the cylons are forced to flee. Boomer cylon gets separated and two cylon centurions are left literally holding the baby.

Laugh as they try to cope with parenting, trying to sing lullabies and change nappies with those big scissor hands of theirs.

Cry when Boomer finally turns up and they have to hand baby back.

A heart warming comedy drama.

If any of thse ideas grab you - give me a call.

Anonymous said...

Did I detect your hand in the casting of Catherine Tate in the next series of Doctor Who?

Inspired piece of out of the box thinking....much like that of Bonnie Langford in the 'classic' days of Who....

Anonymous said...

Ray Mears in the Urban Jungle

Ray survives by re-imagining how Chavs lived in the late 2006s. With only his hood to keep him warm, he sets light to asylum-seekers to re-heat tossed-off kebabs. The bare essentials of life are obtained by mugging or by finding out ( by trial and error) how to sign on.
Still possible, as with previous progs, to film most of this in Hotel grounds so as to achieve year-on-year cost savings.

PS isn't this smoking ban wicked. I understand that in Somerset all the working class now sit in the pub car parks, while 'civilised' people chat inside. It's payback time for the fucking scum...

Anonymous said...

"Fogle's Hos"

...in which... oh look, it's basically 'Pygmalion' in W8. The winner gets a flat in Chepstow Villas and a 3 month placement on 'Tatler'.

Rationale for the BBC Trust: social redemption and inclusiveness.

Rationale for 2 Pints viewers: compare how much you'd pay each one for a gobble.

Anonymous said...

"Fearne Cotton: the Dark Side" - no idea. Just make it all up. Something about Semtex, perhaps?

Anonymous said...

"The Langham"

... in which Tamzin Outhwaite procures underage hookers for celebrity guests at swanky W1 hotel.

(I'd run this one past Olly first.)

Anonymous said...

F**king castrate me I'm Chris Langham. In which his fall from grace is made complete when you get that cadavar scientist artist bloke to whip of his nads for the nation the evil git.

Anonymous said...

Is Ned Sherrin dead yet? Might have something for him. Please advise. Urgent as fuck.