16 Things I Did Today

As you can see, I have a very hectic schedule as TV's Youngest (and most talented) Channel Controller. This is what I achieved today in full:

1) Answered several shouty letters from John Bird, Shelter and Bono calling Filthy Rich & Homeless "irresponsible". What do they know?

2) Ducked out of Programme Review. Can't stomach a second more of praise for The Apprentice. Thankfully Anthony invented a 'crisis in the edit' I urgently needed to attend.

3) Spent 5 minutes reading my chum Jay Rayner's review of Suka (I won't be going there then)

4) Spent 10 minutes checking out a new dating site I'm thinking of joining

5) Spent 20 minutes perving over Paris Hilton

6) Avoided Chris at Broadcast wanting my thoughts on the dead Diana pics (I'm not getting involved in this one! Let Hamish "the Boffin" dig himself out of another hole!)

7) Devised two devastatingly pithy new ways of saying 'no' to crap ideas.

8) Sent shitty email to Klein, Gale et al asking "if they were bothering to develop any new ideas for me" and if so, "could they fucking get a move on"

9) Lunched with the lovely Tamsin at The Ledbury

10) Fretted about the manliness of my straggly beard and it's overall impact on people I meet for the first time. (Do they fancy me I wonder?)

11) Spent afternoon drafting a speech I'm giving at the Young, Gifted and Yiddish Conference in Washington DC this August.

12) Ignored an email from some finance bod claiming 'irregularities' in my May expenses. Surely some mistake?

13) Ignored email from Moonbeam Films (WHO-THE-FUCK?!) asking if I'd like to acquire their series World's Greatest Shops. Fucking 'regional' people...

14) Ignored Brian Hill

15) Gave Ariel rag a quick quote about the threatened closure of a shop at White City (like I care?) and tried to sound casual-yet-clever-yet-cool-yet-not-a-complete-and-utter-smarmy-cunt.

16) Sucked up to Fifi a bit

Phew! And who said you can relax when you get to the top?