My Big Fat Gay 3-hour Brainstorm

Simon Arkwright III brought his team in to see me today - and halfway through the meeting something quite extraordinary happened.

A Nando's delivery boy rocked up at 12.30pm carrying enough spicy chicken wings to start his own kebab shop, and Arkwright III proceeded to stuff his face whilst simultaneously pitching to me - much to the embarrassment of his team of ugly, middle-aged northern development lackies (what happened to all the pretty girls?)

I just couldn't concentrate on anything with all the chicken grease around his chops. His big fat gay belly was jiggling about as he enthusiastically launched into his pitch.

"How often do you feel like hitting the missus? You know, a quick backhander. But can't!!" he said gnawing on a bone. "Well, NOW YOU CAN!!"

He glanced at me to gauge my first reactions to his Hot New Idea. I gave nothing away. My face was a blank. (A look I have spent years perfecting)

"We've unearthed this marriage councillor called Dr Janey Whistle from New Jersey who has spent 3 years perfecting a new and radical approach to help waring couples settle their scores: put them in a boxing ring and let them fight it out!"

I raised an eyebrow.

"And best of all - [he gave me a big fat gay knowing wink] - we call it 10 Rounds With The Wife".

I was starting to feel pretty nauseous at this point: "Er, great Simon. Napkin?"

After a quick dab, he continued. There was no stopping the man. In between shovelling mouthfuls of coleslaw into his gob with great dexterity, he managed to tell me "how fucking excited" he was about the 'Facebook revolution'. I didn't want to admit that I hadn't got a fucking clue what he was talking about so I just smiled and nodded.

"I was on there and this complete and utter NOBODY invited me to be in his gang. Can you believe it?!"

He then proceeded to pitch me Sit on my Face(book), a dreadful dating show based on this utterly meaningless internet networking site. I tried to explain to him that we needed something a bit less 'female skewed' and if he could think about a way of 'muscling it up' we might be on to something.

With a loud slurp of his Diet Coke he grinned and gave me two thumbs up.

What a prick.