"Hello. My name is Stuart and today is quite possibly the most important one in your career at the Corporation."
I am sat in a windowless, bland room at a cheap, boardroom-style desk that should seat 12, but today only seats 5.
"Have you all switched off your mobiles?" says Stuart in a rather effeminate northern voice. Yes, Stuart, I have.
I feel really old sat here. Everyone else looks about 14, and they giggle throughout. It's as if I've gatecrashed a pyjama party for X Factor auditionees. For today, I have been told that I must sit here amongst what look like some of the most moronic runner-types I've ever had the displeasure of coming close to. It's my first Health and Safety session - something that (as much as I tried) I discovered I was unable to get out of (checked clause 132.5 in my contract last night - my worst fears confirmed. Fuck).
To say I felt patronised and insulted to have to sit through this is a fucking understatement. There are people in here who definitely know who I am. I could hear them whispering, and imagined them running back to their department. Whispering and running. Gossiping in the hallways: "You'll never guess who I did a Health and Safety with today...!!!"
Begrudgingly, I did what was asked. An hour or so in, I was sent off to another soulless room in TVC to be told that I had to spend one entire hour, completely uninterupted, answering multiple choice questions from a CD ROM. It felt faintly similar to the Driving Test I did 18 months back (on the quiet, obviously, considering I was 31 at the time) but at least that had a purpose.
But now, here I was, at the Corporation on just my second day into a really high-profile job that was being talked and written about throughout TV land, sitting in front of a fucking computer clicking on a fucking mouse to say that I understood that adjusting my fucking computer without the help of an IT bod was fucking putting my life at risk.
The only saving grace, I suppose, was seeing Anthea Turner's hair on fire on the CD Rom. I must admit to re-watching it twice. Never did like her.
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