I've asked this question aloud countless of times during my past few years in commercial television. Where are the new polemical voices? Who do we have over here to rival the Michael Moores and Morgan Spurlocks of this world? And when my cry has gone out to the desperate and frankly aloof independent producers, what do I always get? The same usual suspects peddled in my unfortunate direction by out-of-touch dead-in-the-wood ex-liberals.
Mark Thomas? No thank you very much. Very nineties and old NME vective. The world has moved on Mark, and I'm not putting you back on the TV.
Jon Ronson? I think you'll find living in Islington and writing boring columns for the Guardian isn't going to turn you into a name for my Channel.
Mark Steel?! Are you fucking winding me up? Janice can go and continue enjoying his 'original' take on re-interpretating history over on BBC4 thankyou very much.
Frankly I'm tired of asking this question, but it all came back to me like a very horrible shaver rash from my youth earlier tonight when I had to sit down to a DVD medley of F**k Off: I'm Ginger, F**k Off I'm Fat, F**k Off I'm Racist, F**k Off I'm A Thick Arsed Twat, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Jesus Christ. They'd sent me them along with the contract in the hope that I'd be willing to consider recomissioning a second run. Fifi says that they were really popular with the core 16-34 ABC1s, but I'm going to have to beg to differ.
People just don't seem to get what I'm after. I need someone who engages totally with the viewer. Who doesn't seem trapped and stiffled by a posh, worthy, knowing, Oxbridge upbringing, and who can relate directly with the fears and frustrations that the viewers have when it comes to ordinary daily life. Forget Saturday lunchtime Radio 4 topical news shows. I fucking need something that will thump its way to the core of my schedule, and back, each and every time.
I suppose what I really need is a more youthful, more spunky, more spiky version of Richard Littlejohn. But where do I find him? Maybe I'll send over an 'All @ Everywhere' memo about my need to find fresh, edgy voices that aren't from the old liberal left to really punch through on My Channel. Get them chomping on that before I fucking rock up.
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