Monday, 14 May 2007

The First Day (of the rest of my life)

And what a day it has been. Felt like my first day at school with so much to absorb and study. I'm really exhausted so, in brief, here's how my first day with the Corporation went:

Woke up v early. Had the runs. twice. Flicked through The Guardian on the loo, then caught up with the news on the Today programme before watching 10 minutes of GMTV to see what My Viewers would be watching.

Car turned up 15 minutes late. The driver apologised and blamed it on Ian Hislop. My driver had taken the bald headed smarmy fucker to Television Centre before me so he could go and promote his horribly lurid Scouting For Boys documentary on BBC Breakfast. Anyway, arrived as fresh as I could having spent the journey absorbing today's Daily Mail and having a quick thumb through of The Sun and The Times.

Was met at reception by a gorgeous, well-spoken brunette called Jessica, but then became v dissapointed when she told me that she was from HR and wasn't actually my new PA. Was hurried through the bowels of TVC, passing through a variety of windowless corridors (could see lots of people checking me out) before stepping into a lift that took me to my floor. The 6th floor. The commissioning floor. The hub of the creative brains of the Corporation. And my new home.

Bring It On.

It was at this point that Jessica (who was wearing a gorgeous pair of peeptoe heels that had me mesmerised in the lift) handed me over to Anthony. This kid looked 15 and revealed he was my new PA. What?! Surely this was some sort of joke, a prank played on the New Boy?

Er, well it turns out, no.

Fifi was supposed to take me out to lunch at The Electric on Portobello, but I got an email from her at 11.47am to say that she had been overtaken by events surrounding tonight's Scientology Panorama. Haven't seen it myself but apparently John Sweeney is zipping round YouTube faster than a fat kid binge-eating hotdogs.

If this wasn't bad enough (bumped by John-fucking-Sweeney) the only email that was addressed directly for my attention was from HR Jessica telling me I had to report to a meeting room in the basement of The Doughnut at 9.30am tomorrow. Got quite excited at the prospect until I opened the attachment.

What?! Some bloke called Stuart will be "facilitating"' a 'This is the Corporation: Why Health and Safety Lets us Do What We Do' seminar. Horrified, I note it is a day long event. DAY LONG? Surely some mistake. Why on earth would I, as a Channel Controller a) have the time to sit through something as dull and unneccessary as this, and b) actually fucking need to?

I rang Jessica and said that there must have been some processing error. Jessica said no, as a new employee (employee?? I'm a fucking Executive darling) I would have to sit through 2 separate H&S seminars, and this would be the first. She asked me: "Will you ever need access to studios?" Yes, for fuck's sake, I'm sure I will! "And will you ever need to visit location shoots?" Bloody hell, which ex-Poly dished out her fucking degree? 'Possibly', I remarked. "Well then you'll definitely need to pass both Health & Safety days."

Bloody hell. Can I really afford an entire day to be taking up with something so trivial and frankly unneccessary when I've only just arrived? Emailed Fifi to express my concern. But by the time my driver was ready to take me home at 5.30pm I still hadn't had an email back.

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