Wednesday, 16 May 2007

Derren Brown I'm coming to get you

Right, I've decided that the one bit of talent that I'm going to poach from my old paymasters is Derren Brown. He is ripe for a move over to the Corporation and, more importantly, to My Channel.

If I do it correctly, the move will send all the right kind of noisy shockwaves through the industry, and perhaps beyond. I don't want to fuck around on this one - I need to do it quickly and super smoothly. I want the deal to signal to everyone - especially my old colleagues at Channel 4 - that I mean fucking business and that I'm not afraid to use my power and influence.

First thing today I'll get my PA Anthony to put a high-profile call straight into Andrew O'Connor requesting a meeting A-S-A-fucking-P. I've dealt with Derren quite a bit before, but to be honest that was on small-fry stuff compared to what I'm thinking about. I'll really roll the red carpet out, make him feel 10 foot fucking tall, and stress to him that this is his chance (once in a fucking lifetime chance I hasten to add) to stop pissing about on Friday nights being watched by drunk students and single women. I want him to be the Face of My Channel. We're talking the kind of coverage he's only had wet dreams about.

I'm salivating at the prospect, just thinking about the immediate impact it will have in the industry. It will signal my intentions so fucking clearly you'd have to be deaf, blind, or Simon Shaps not to see it.

Everyone will be v v jealous.

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